I am sure you can tell by the title and the large time span since my last post that the pregnancy did not work. It has been a long and very painful journey, both physically and emotionally. I told myself several times that I would get on here and update this story. But every time I thought about it and even logged in, it was too painful and I couldn't do it. A friend inspired me to finally end this story. And it still isn't easy. I am crying as I type this.
I went back for the ultrasound that Wednesday. I was feeling okay and pretty optimistic that things would be fine. I wasn't having any more bleeding or weird symptoms. I was tired all the time, which to me means pregnant. I was lucky that I didn't have to wait long for the ultrasound. I got a new technician and she was very young (and it seemed inexperienced). She started with the external ultrasound. I was able to see the screen while she did the scan. She was able to find one gestational sac and it measured small. She scanned several times for a heartbeat. I asked her if there was one and she said it seems like there is one but it is inconsistent. I thought this was odd because it was so strong and obvious two weeks ago. I figured it was due to her being new and unskilled and not because of an issue. I was feeling very pregnant and was not taking 'no' for an answer. It took her about 10 minutes to do the external ultrasound. She was very slow and it didn't seem she was that way to be thorough. She asked me about doing an internal ultrasound but I told her my OB did not want me to. She told me the report from my OB asked for an internal. I finally agreed because I wanted some answers. I emptied my bladder and undressed. I waited on the bed for a few minutes and she came back. She did an internal ultrasound for about 30 minutes. I know this because I was watching the clock. It was the only thing to look at because she had moved the screen away and I couldn't see it anymore. She wouldn't tell me anything and I finally had to tell her to stop because I was in pain from the wand. She seemed very inept. I know I was rude with her but I felt justified in being that way. Of course she would not tell me the results and I had to go over to my OBs office. My OB said the results showed only one gestational sac, still measuring a little small but not too far behind. She said the tech was not sure if she found a heartbeat or not, but felt there was some activity. My OB told me not to worry and advised she wants me to repeat the ultrasound next week. She stated it is still early in the pregnancy but things should be definite one way or the other next week. I agreed. I left and tried to stay positive. I knew it was still a long shot that the pregnancy would work but wanted to believe it was happening this time.
The next couple days were normal and busy with work and home. And then I had bleeding again that Friday. The morning had been very normal and then I felt like I had to use the bathroom at lunch time. It was that bathroom feeling you get when you have your period, which I obviously wasn't. I ran to the bathroom and discovered the bleeding was back. Still dark brown and chunky. The chunks looked like pieces of tissue but it was weird that they were dark brown and not red. I kept telling myself that all the research I had done was that red is bad and brown is fine. I went out to my car and called my doctor again. I told her the bleeding was back. She reassured me that everything was fine and not to worry. She suggested we run another ultrasound today instead of waiting for next week. Obviously I agreed. She said she would call me back with an appt time. I couldn't stand the idea of going back into work so I ended up driving around. My OB called back and told me they could see me at 2:30 pm. I didn't know what to do so I kept driving around, went back to work for a few minutes, and then went to the ultrasound early. I had to wait a while because I was early. I played a game on my phone, looked through emails, sent some texts, anything to keep my mind busy. I requested the original ultrasound tech and refused to use the one from a few days before. They agreed to accommodate me.
Finally I went back for the ultrasound. I had my favorite tech and filled her in on everything from the past few weeks. I was surprisingly calm and not emotional at all. She did both an external and internal ultrasound I was able to see the screen and the answer became very obvious. She was very kind and explained to me what she was looking at. She told me the large gestational sac was still there and measuring very large. She was not sure how the tech missed it because it is very noticeable. She said it still shows a bleed and that is most likely why I am having the continued spotting. She said the other sac is measuring 8 weeks, 2 days and there is no longer a heartbeat. She was very sorry. I told her I kind of suspected and had prepared myself. It was a lie. I had not prepared myself and was not okay with the answer I was being given. I was devastated. I wanted to cry and sob and wail, but I stayed calm. The tech said she wanted to have the radiologist talk with me and I agreed to wait. He came in a few minutes later and reviewed the results. He told me that I was most likely experiencing a molar pregnancy. He explained it to me a little but I honestly wasn't listening. I was busy thinking about how I was going to tell the IPs that it did not work. Again. I knew I could look it up on my phone later. He asked me to go over to my OBs office and I agreed.
I can't remember if I texted the IM then or after my OBs office. I do remember I sat in my car and looked up the molar pregnancy thing. It was bad, very bad. Basically, the embryos had formed into a viable pregnancy that would never grow into a healthy pregnancy and another embryo that was a tumor. A TUMOR! The information I saw on the internet said that 30% of these types of tumors do become cancerous and require chemotherapy and radiation. I told myself to not freak out and that most likely the diagnosis was wrong. I met with my OB and went over the information with her. She told me to stay calm and expected that it would be fine. She went over the molar pregnancy diagnosis and said it was most likely a partial molar pregnancy because one of the embryos had been viable at one point. I left her office and went home. I called my mom and told her what was happening. And then I broke down I cried and cried and cried. The pregnancy had not worked, I had failed again, and now I had a chance of cancer. I told her my OB was recommending a D&C. Again. My mom told me to stay strong and have faith that things would be okay. I believed her and it helped calm me down a little.
There are a lot of other things that happened but they aren't super important for this story. My mom ended up coming out to be here for me and I had the D&C. I knew what to expect this time, which helped the situation. I also think it is sad that I knew about it and felt like no one should have to go through one, let alone two D&Cs in such a short period of time. My OB said the D&C went well and they were able to get everything. They sent the tissue for testing and we finally found out about two weeks later that the tissue was not cancerous and the cancer doc who reviewed the material also felt the tissue was not consistent with a molar or partial molar pregnancy. They changed my diagnosis to non-viable pregnancy. My body continued to think it was pregnant for a while and I had to take follow-up beta tests to confirm my body was getting rid of the pregnancy hormones. It took another couple weeks but finally zeroed out.
And now the journey has ended for both myself and the IPs. I have done A LOT of thinking and what I have decided is that this is not for me. I know that everything that happened was because of the eggs and not my body, but I know I can't put myself back in this situation. Emotionally I don't want to face another failure. Physically my body has gone through so much and is still trying to recover today. Mentally I am still wrapping my head around the fact that I could have ended up with cancer. I don't want to put myself in that situation again and possibly have my child and family affected if something were to go wrong in the future. The surro director has asked me to carry for another family and has several families waiting, ones with guaranteed embryos. I thought about it but I can't do it. I know the IPs are done too. They contacted me after a few days and told me they are done trying and were thankful for everything I had done. I know this has been hard on them. They have given so much and at the end have to walk away with empty hands.
There are things I left out. Thoughts, emotions, etc. I just wanted to get this story down and skipped some of the details because they are hard to talk about. I am not sure where I will be in the future but am keeping an open heart and mind about my life. I am always looking for a new journey and will post when it happens. My heart is with everyone who reads this. I wish you luck in your journeys....
