First, I am not happy with myself for not being able to post as much as I would like. This blog is in place for many reasons, one of which is so I can document my experience, thoughts and feelings. It doesn't do me any good if I am not actually writing.
Second, a lot has happened since my last post. It seems that fate has been working against me and not much good has happened. I was continuing along with the plan, with high hopes for a transfer taking place on the 26th. It seemed "perfect" because it was after my kiddo's birthday and my sister's birthday so those major events would be over and I could focus completely on making a baby (or two) stick. I went to my follow-up ultrasound on the 17th with the expectation that my uterus would be ready to go. The doc had already increased me to 6 estrogen patches and added on some estrogen pills, so I was feeling especially estrogen-y. I had my fingers and toes crossed as I waited for them to take me to the ultrasound room. They were really busy that day and so I had to wait for quite a while. It was the worst wait ever. I was so anxious and stressed, and kept repeating a mantra in my head about my uterus being ready. When they finally took me to the room, I was wound up and had to try and relax. The ultrasound tech was my usual girl and she tried to reassure me. She was excited to tell me that my uterine lining had grown to 7.9 to 8.0. She was excited because this is the level they require to proceed forward. I had to explain to her (again) that it is not good enough for my clinic. I left feeling defeated and worried that my uterus being stubborn would put an end to things. I kept crossing my fingers (hard to do when driving, by the way) and hope they would give me another week.
I heard from the nurse at the fertility clinic later that day. My progesterone levels were low and my ovaries were quiet, meaning my body was not planning to ovulate anytime soon and I could continue with the patches for another week. She also said the doctor wanted to increase the "vaginal" estrogen pills to two in the morning and two at night. I was a little confused at first because the pills I had been sent had the instructions of taking the orally. I started to worry that I had been taking them wrong and that is why the lining wasn't responding. I went home and researched on the internet and pulled out the pharmacy slip. Everything I found said to take it orally and nothing talked about taking them vaginally. I texted with the IM and she was confused as well. I was able to talk with my regular nurse the next day and she said that the pills are traditionally taken orally but could also be used vaginally. And they are more potent if used vaginally. So, starting Thursday morning I began taking the pills vaginally. I will spare you the gross details but let's just say that panty liners became my new best friend. I had to carry quite a few with me because blue pills make something similar to what a smurf's sneeze must look like. lol
I also asked the nurse lots of questions about what I was doing wrong and what I could change. She told me to stay away from anything with soy (which I don't eat anyway) and Vitamin C (which I already knew). She also told me to take it easy and not stress so much. I took this as permission (aka doctor's orders) to take a break from work. I took off that Thursday and Friday, and enjoyed a long weekend with the kiddo. He was off school for Fall break so we did lots of fun things for his birthday. It was very relaxing and just what I needed.
The following week (last week) was pretty much the same. Back to a busy schedule at work and home. I was nervous about my follow-up ultrasound for the 24th but had convinced myself that whatever happened was what was meant to be. I was nervous as I drove to the clinic but kept reminding myself that I have done everything asked of me. I was wearing and changing the estrogen patches, inserting the lovely smurf pills twice a day, being careful what I ate and exercising. There was nothing else to do but pray and hope. I didn't have to wait as long this time so I think my anxiety was down. My usual tech did the ultrasound. She was really quiet and turned the screen away at one point. I leaned forward and commented that the lining looked thicker than last week. She said it was the angle and my lining had not grown at all. In fact, it had shrunk and was back to being 7.7 to 7.9. We both were quiet as she took the pictures needed. Inside, I was upset and angry. Upset that I knew it meant that we couldn't proceed forward. Angry at my body for not cooperating. I left feeling dejected. I made it about half way home before I started crying. I am not sure who the tears were for more, me or the Intended Parents. I truly felt like I had let them down and failed them in so many ways. They had worked so hard and gone through so much disappointment to get to where they are now. And it was me stopping them from moving forward. I cried hard for a few minutes and then felt spent. I haven't cried like that in a very long time. I think all the estrogen had something to do with it. I had gained 6 pounds and gained two boob sizes from all the hormones. I blamed them for my tears soo.
After my cry, I got a call from the nurse at the fertility clinic. She said I needed to take off the patches and stop the cycle. My lining is healthy but not thick enough to proceed. I am ashamed to say that I bawled on the phone with her. She kept trying to reassure me that everything was fine and we would try again. I told her my fears and she reassured me that all would be well. She also pointed out the IM took two cycles to see success so maybe I am meant to do the same. This made a lot of sense and gave me a fresh perspective. I stopped my blubbering and promised to take it easy this weekend. To try and refresh myself again.
I texted back and forth with the IM for most of the day. She was very understanding and supportive. It definitely have me pause to realize that this process is all about her and her husband, and yet she was reassuring and comforting me. It gave me a greater insight as to her as a person and also how close we are becoming. It also gave me renewed purpose to see this through and give them the baby (or two) they deserve. I clarified with the fertility clinic that we can use my next period (coming soon) to start over and don't have to skip a month. As the IM pointed out, this only puts our plans off by a couple weeks. This also helped renew my spirits and I stopped feeling so sad. The clinic sent out a prescription for Provera so that I will start a period soon. I used it after the mock cycle and started within a few days. I expect the same will happen now.
Today I feel good. I spent the weekend hanging out with friends and spending time with the kiddo. I relaxed, ate and slept. I haven't been able to lose the 6 pounds I gained (and haven't really tried) but my boobs are less painful and may have gone down a bit. They are still out of control but I accept it. I feel good and am ready to start again. I think my period will start in a day or two and then we can start over. My mock cycle went well so I have high hopes my body will cooperate this time. Here's t hoping for a 10.5 by day 11...... :)
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Thursday, October 11, 2012
My Pissy Ranting.
Ok. Pissy ranting warning. I was super excited and then all my hopes and dreams were dashed. Not really all my hopes and dreams but it kinda feels like it. It just sucks when you have something planned out so well and then "someone" (AKA the doc) puts a stop to those plans. I know it is for a good reason but that doesn't make it feel any better. But let me explain since my last post:
I haven't posted in a long time because nothing was really happening. After the majority of the embryos did not survive there wasn't much for me to do. Just continue on with life as usual and wait for the call that things were progressing. It kind of felt like I was in a holding pattern. The IM (intended mom) started a new round of meds to prepare for another extraction, and from what I understand it has gone pretty well. She has still been feeling sick and tired, but I think this round has gone better and will produce better results. Her follicle extraction is actually scheduled for tomorrow. Cross your fingers that she has lots of healthy, juicy eggs that are so ready to be impregnated!
Me, I have just been going about my business. Nothing too exciting; dieting, exercising, getting the body ready. I was able to give up caffeine completely. I felt like I was going to die some days but it actually was pretty easy and I feel good now. I still crave a nice hot cup of coffee every now and then, especially with these cold mornings we have been getting. (I love Fall!) I also printed off the food limitation list and have it hanging at home. I figured I might as well get used to the restrictions before the transfer so it wouldn't be so hard after the transfer. I was worried but it has been a lot easier than I thought. I don't really care about the no fast food or most of the other stuff. My hardest part will be not being able to have nuts that third trimester. I love nuts. Maybe I am part squirell or was a squirrel in my past life.... Anyway, nothing too crazy happening. I lost a few pounds from this dieting and exercising, and was really loving that. While all this was going on, I was hoping for an October transfer date just because I was this thing to happen already and October is such a great month. For a while I worried it would be more like November or even December.
Then I heard from the IM a few weeks ago that she wanted to try for the transfer this month. I was so excited!! October is a magical month and it made me think "this is it, this is the perfect time." She talked to me just a few days before my period was due to start so it was perfect timing. Of course my period did not show up when it was supposed to, but it started on the 1st. Which I like because it is much easier to track my days. :) October 1st became "patch day" and I put on those good old patches and away we went. I started with the 4 patches but after a few days the doc moved me up to 6. I haven't really noticed a big difference; I feel about the same as last time. I go through these weird moods of wanting clean and organize everything (my "nesting phase"), then I want to cry over every little thing like commercials or seeing moms with new babies but it's weird because I don't cry about things I should really cry about (my "whiny baby phase") and then I get these weird mood swings of wanting to either run a marathon while carrying an elephant or start boxing it out with someone. I haven't noticed that I am bitchier than usual and no one has made any comments about me being weird so I guess I am only showing symptoms on the inside. I actually like the energy the estrogen patches give me and don't mind taking them.
The new plan became that I would travel out there and do a transfer on the 25th or 26th. Which I love because my sister's bday is the 25th. This transfer would be a frozen one and they could see how many ebryos decide to still around this time. And it is around a weekend so that makes it easier for everyone involved to take some time off.
Then I get a call from the fertility clinic Tuesday night (just a couple days ago). I guess the Doc was looking at the calendar and realized that we were very close to being able to do a fresh transfer. That meant the transfer date was pushed up to the 16th. I will admit I was kind of in shock when they said that. I started panicking, like am I ready to be knocked up already? Shouldn't be take some time? The shocked feeling only lasted a few minutes and then I was super excited. Like jump up and down and make squealing noises excited! It became very real and I was completely in to making this happen. It came down to how my lining would look for my ultrasound on Wednesday. I didn't even think that would be an issue because I feel like my insides are one thick lining. I started crossing my fingers that it would be the much needed 8.0.
So, Wednesday (yesterday) came and I went to my ultrasound appt. The tech was asking a bunch of questions and seemed really confused about how we could just change plans. I don't know what she was bugging about cause it has nothing to do with them. Anyway, she gave me the news that my lining was measuring 7.6 to 7.9. For the Utah clinic that is the sign to go ahead. I left a message for the Cali clinic that it was lower than expected but still was hopeful they would say to go ahead.
Now the reason for my disappointment: I got a call back from the Cali clinic that the Doc wants my lining to be bigger (like close to 9) before I start the progesterone shots. So, we are back to the original plan of doing a frozen transfer on the 26th. I was really disappointed at first. I felt like things were happening and we were moving forward and it was going to be so soon, and then my stupid uterus goes and messes it all up. :( I was frustrated, pissy and kinda sad. I felt like it was my fault that we couldn't move foward next week.
But I thought about it last night and finally came to the conclusion that the 26th is the better day. The 16th was rushing it and I don't know that I was ready. I was also stressing about being gone for my kiddo's bday. I feel like I should at least be home with him and then celebrate it next weekend, as we planned. And it gives me more time to get my cases at work settled and ready to do without me for a few days.
So, I was super disappointed and pissy but I feel much better now. It was meant to happen on the 26th and I am okay with that. And I plan to blame the estrogen for the pissy moment. :)
I haven't posted in a long time because nothing was really happening. After the majority of the embryos did not survive there wasn't much for me to do. Just continue on with life as usual and wait for the call that things were progressing. It kind of felt like I was in a holding pattern. The IM (intended mom) started a new round of meds to prepare for another extraction, and from what I understand it has gone pretty well. She has still been feeling sick and tired, but I think this round has gone better and will produce better results. Her follicle extraction is actually scheduled for tomorrow. Cross your fingers that she has lots of healthy, juicy eggs that are so ready to be impregnated!
Me, I have just been going about my business. Nothing too exciting; dieting, exercising, getting the body ready. I was able to give up caffeine completely. I felt like I was going to die some days but it actually was pretty easy and I feel good now. I still crave a nice hot cup of coffee every now and then, especially with these cold mornings we have been getting. (I love Fall!) I also printed off the food limitation list and have it hanging at home. I figured I might as well get used to the restrictions before the transfer so it wouldn't be so hard after the transfer. I was worried but it has been a lot easier than I thought. I don't really care about the no fast food or most of the other stuff. My hardest part will be not being able to have nuts that third trimester. I love nuts. Maybe I am part squirell or was a squirrel in my past life.... Anyway, nothing too crazy happening. I lost a few pounds from this dieting and exercising, and was really loving that. While all this was going on, I was hoping for an October transfer date just because I was this thing to happen already and October is such a great month. For a while I worried it would be more like November or even December.
Then I heard from the IM a few weeks ago that she wanted to try for the transfer this month. I was so excited!! October is a magical month and it made me think "this is it, this is the perfect time." She talked to me just a few days before my period was due to start so it was perfect timing. Of course my period did not show up when it was supposed to, but it started on the 1st. Which I like because it is much easier to track my days. :) October 1st became "patch day" and I put on those good old patches and away we went. I started with the 4 patches but after a few days the doc moved me up to 6. I haven't really noticed a big difference; I feel about the same as last time. I go through these weird moods of wanting clean and organize everything (my "nesting phase"), then I want to cry over every little thing like commercials or seeing moms with new babies but it's weird because I don't cry about things I should really cry about (my "whiny baby phase") and then I get these weird mood swings of wanting to either run a marathon while carrying an elephant or start boxing it out with someone. I haven't noticed that I am bitchier than usual and no one has made any comments about me being weird so I guess I am only showing symptoms on the inside. I actually like the energy the estrogen patches give me and don't mind taking them.
The new plan became that I would travel out there and do a transfer on the 25th or 26th. Which I love because my sister's bday is the 25th. This transfer would be a frozen one and they could see how many ebryos decide to still around this time. And it is around a weekend so that makes it easier for everyone involved to take some time off.
Then I get a call from the fertility clinic Tuesday night (just a couple days ago). I guess the Doc was looking at the calendar and realized that we were very close to being able to do a fresh transfer. That meant the transfer date was pushed up to the 16th. I will admit I was kind of in shock when they said that. I started panicking, like am I ready to be knocked up already? Shouldn't be take some time? The shocked feeling only lasted a few minutes and then I was super excited. Like jump up and down and make squealing noises excited! It became very real and I was completely in to making this happen. It came down to how my lining would look for my ultrasound on Wednesday. I didn't even think that would be an issue because I feel like my insides are one thick lining. I started crossing my fingers that it would be the much needed 8.0.
So, Wednesday (yesterday) came and I went to my ultrasound appt. The tech was asking a bunch of questions and seemed really confused about how we could just change plans. I don't know what she was bugging about cause it has nothing to do with them. Anyway, she gave me the news that my lining was measuring 7.6 to 7.9. For the Utah clinic that is the sign to go ahead. I left a message for the Cali clinic that it was lower than expected but still was hopeful they would say to go ahead.
Now the reason for my disappointment: I got a call back from the Cali clinic that the Doc wants my lining to be bigger (like close to 9) before I start the progesterone shots. So, we are back to the original plan of doing a frozen transfer on the 26th. I was really disappointed at first. I felt like things were happening and we were moving forward and it was going to be so soon, and then my stupid uterus goes and messes it all up. :( I was frustrated, pissy and kinda sad. I felt like it was my fault that we couldn't move foward next week.
But I thought about it last night and finally came to the conclusion that the 26th is the better day. The 16th was rushing it and I don't know that I was ready. I was also stressing about being gone for my kiddo's bday. I feel like I should at least be home with him and then celebrate it next weekend, as we planned. And it gives me more time to get my cases at work settled and ready to do without me for a few days.
So, I was super disappointed and pissy but I feel much better now. It was meant to happen on the 26th and I am okay with that. And I plan to blame the estrogen for the pissy moment. :)
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