First, I am not happy with myself for not being able to post as much as I would like. This blog is in place for many reasons, one of which is so I can document my experience, thoughts and feelings. It doesn't do me any good if I am not actually writing.
Second, a lot has happened since my last post. It seems that fate has been working against me and not much good has happened. I was continuing along with the plan, with high hopes for a transfer taking place on the 26th. It seemed "perfect" because it was after my kiddo's birthday and my sister's birthday so those major events would be over and I could focus completely on making a baby (or two) stick. I went to my follow-up ultrasound on the 17th with the expectation that my uterus would be ready to go. The doc had already increased me to 6 estrogen patches and added on some estrogen pills, so I was feeling especially estrogen-y. I had my fingers and toes crossed as I waited for them to take me to the ultrasound room. They were really busy that day and so I had to wait for quite a while. It was the worst wait ever. I was so anxious and stressed, and kept repeating a mantra in my head about my uterus being ready. When they finally took me to the room, I was wound up and had to try and relax. The ultrasound tech was my usual girl and she tried to reassure me. She was excited to tell me that my uterine lining had grown to 7.9 to 8.0. She was excited because this is the level they require to proceed forward. I had to explain to her (again) that it is not good enough for my clinic. I left feeling defeated and worried that my uterus being stubborn would put an end to things. I kept crossing my fingers (hard to do when driving, by the way) and hope they would give me another week.
I heard from the nurse at the fertility clinic later that day. My progesterone levels were low and my ovaries were quiet, meaning my body was not planning to ovulate anytime soon and I could continue with the patches for another week. She also said the doctor wanted to increase the "vaginal" estrogen pills to two in the morning and two at night. I was a little confused at first because the pills I had been sent had the instructions of taking the orally. I started to worry that I had been taking them wrong and that is why the lining wasn't responding. I went home and researched on the internet and pulled out the pharmacy slip. Everything I found said to take it orally and nothing talked about taking them vaginally. I texted with the IM and she was confused as well. I was able to talk with my regular nurse the next day and she said that the pills are traditionally taken orally but could also be used vaginally. And they are more potent if used vaginally. So, starting Thursday morning I began taking the pills vaginally. I will spare you the gross details but let's just say that panty liners became my new best friend. I had to carry quite a few with me because blue pills make something similar to what a smurf's sneeze must look like. lol
I also asked the nurse lots of questions about what I was doing wrong and what I could change. She told me to stay away from anything with soy (which I don't eat anyway) and Vitamin C (which I already knew). She also told me to take it easy and not stress so much. I took this as permission (aka doctor's orders) to take a break from work. I took off that Thursday and Friday, and enjoyed a long weekend with the kiddo. He was off school for Fall break so we did lots of fun things for his birthday. It was very relaxing and just what I needed.
The following week (last week) was pretty much the same. Back to a busy schedule at work and home. I was nervous about my follow-up ultrasound for the 24th but had convinced myself that whatever happened was what was meant to be. I was nervous as I drove to the clinic but kept reminding myself that I have done everything asked of me. I was wearing and changing the estrogen patches, inserting the lovely smurf pills twice a day, being careful what I ate and exercising. There was nothing else to do but pray and hope. I didn't have to wait as long this time so I think my anxiety was down. My usual tech did the ultrasound. She was really quiet and turned the screen away at one point. I leaned forward and commented that the lining looked thicker than last week. She said it was the angle and my lining had not grown at all. In fact, it had shrunk and was back to being 7.7 to 7.9. We both were quiet as she took the pictures needed. Inside, I was upset and angry. Upset that I knew it meant that we couldn't proceed forward. Angry at my body for not cooperating. I left feeling dejected. I made it about half way home before I started crying. I am not sure who the tears were for more, me or the Intended Parents. I truly felt like I had let them down and failed them in so many ways. They had worked so hard and gone through so much disappointment to get to where they are now. And it was me stopping them from moving forward. I cried hard for a few minutes and then felt spent. I haven't cried like that in a very long time. I think all the estrogen had something to do with it. I had gained 6 pounds and gained two boob sizes from all the hormones. I blamed them for my tears soo.
After my cry, I got a call from the nurse at the fertility clinic. She said I needed to take off the patches and stop the cycle. My lining is healthy but not thick enough to proceed. I am ashamed to say that I bawled on the phone with her. She kept trying to reassure me that everything was fine and we would try again. I told her my fears and she reassured me that all would be well. She also pointed out the IM took two cycles to see success so maybe I am meant to do the same. This made a lot of sense and gave me a fresh perspective. I stopped my blubbering and promised to take it easy this weekend. To try and refresh myself again.
I texted back and forth with the IM for most of the day. She was very understanding and supportive. It definitely have me pause to realize that this process is all about her and her husband, and yet she was reassuring and comforting me. It gave me a greater insight as to her as a person and also how close we are becoming. It also gave me renewed purpose to see this through and give them the baby (or two) they deserve. I clarified with the fertility clinic that we can use my next period (coming soon) to start over and don't have to skip a month. As the IM pointed out, this only puts our plans off by a couple weeks. This also helped renew my spirits and I stopped feeling so sad. The clinic sent out a prescription for Provera so that I will start a period soon. I used it after the mock cycle and started within a few days. I expect the same will happen now.
Today I feel good. I spent the weekend hanging out with friends and spending time with the kiddo. I relaxed, ate and slept. I haven't been able to lose the 6 pounds I gained (and haven't really tried) but my boobs are less painful and may have gone down a bit. They are still out of control but I accept it. I feel good and am ready to start again. I think my period will start in a day or two and then we can start over. My mock cycle went well so I have high hopes my body will cooperate this time. Here's t hoping for a 10.5 by day 11...... :)
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