Lessons from a Squatty Potty 1- WARNING! (poo talk)

If you don't know what a squatty potty is, look it up. It is not an actual toilet but a helpful stool that lifts our legs up into a squat position, allowing your body to naturally release the poo. The commercial would have you believe that your poo will be soft serve, glittering ice cream but this is not true. DO NOT eat your poo. I have found from personal experience that the poo that comes out of your body is the poo that has been trapped inside for way too long. It is death.

I have been wanting a squatty potty for several months and asked for one for Christmas. People did not think I was serious but my son, Jared, knows me well enough to know that I ask for what I want. So he got it for me. And I love it. I am seriously considering getting one to take to work, cause lots of good toilet time happens there too.

Today I was using the squatty potty and had some observations. I ended up texting two friends, who are my potty supporters, and shared my observations with them. They reflected that my observations were real and perhaps something to be shared. We have named ourselves the 3 Squatateers. :)

My first observation is that we pay for what we put in our bodies. I loved the way the chili felt going in but I did not live the way it felt going out. As it was the first poo of the New Year, I worried that perhaps it was representative for how my year was going to proceed- firing and painful. I panicked. I simply cannot go through another year like that. I tried to change my poo, I tried to force things. And I realized that the more I did this, the more pain I felt. So I stopped. I decided to let things work the way they will and not make it my way or according to my timeline. I gave it another hour and suddenly poo #2 was great. It felt relieving and magical. It was what I needed. My second observation is that I need to sit back and allow more things to happen instead of trying to force them into my way. This is really difficult for me because I like control, I like things going my way. But those two things often do not match for me. Most of the time I either have control and it doesn't go my way or I have no control and it works out but makes no sense. My third observation is that often times things sneak up on us. DO NOT trust every fart. But do not be angry about something being sneaky. Just appreciate the humor that can be found in that moment. :)

The start of a new journey...the journey to learn about me.

I have been thinking quite a bit about 2016. Every year, I tell myself that it is going to be a great year. I am going to set some amazing "resolutions" and/or goals and it is always the same- to do things that help me. Or things that I want to do. To focus on me. And as I was thinking about this, the same as I do every year, it dawned on me that I don't really know ME. I have had many inspirations and revelations throughout the years but am still working on this journey of being me. So, instead I have decided to focus on the journey that is me. To be open to things as they happen and hopefully pick up on some life lessons as I go along. Maybe you'll learn something as well.

It has been two years and I still mourn that the surrogacy did not work. I can honestly say that I have gone through the stages of grief, recycled through them time and again, and finally reached the stage that I need to "accept." Accept that it did not work and blaming myself or others or the universe or whatever is not going to change anything. Part of me thinks I spent the past two years trying to distract myself from facing the reality and part of me thinks I just tried to do the best I could to muddle through. I think about trying again and then I remind myself that the definition of sanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting a different result. In fact, this pretty much describes my entire life in the past two years. I loved the unlovable, tried to distract myself with unhealthy habits to avoid the pain of not being loved back, and ended up angry and bitter. My intention now is to move forward and avoid the insanity.

My primary goals for this year are to be open, honest with myself, and try some new things. Maybe by trying these new things, I will be able to change my patterns and invite more healthy things into my life.
Goal number 1 is to discover me. One way I can do this is to start figuring out who I am and what I stand for. I have a gigantic mirror in my bathroom and I noticed that I do everything I can to avoid looking at myself in it. I will quickly glance to insure I am put together enough to venture out, but I really don't stare at me. This is going to change. I am going to start investing some time into looking at myself, staring and noticing but trying really hard not to judge. I want the things I notice about myself to be things of love and positivity- like I do for a friend or loved one. Give myself some praise and recognition. I am going to accomplish this by writing one word about myself every day. Right on the mirror. I cleaned the mirror really good and put some dry erase markers in the bathroom and titled it; I AM. My entry for today was READY. I am ready. Ready to make some changes and do things in a new way.
Goal number 2 is focused on loving my body by putting healthy things into it and using the exercise I love to show that it can get stronger and stronger. My focus needs to stop being on the numbers, what the scale says and clothing sizes, and more about how I feel. I want to feel strong. I want endurance. I want to be able to link goal 1 and goal 2 together, and feel myself connected. I know the food will be the hardest because I often turn to food for comfort or to entertain me when I am bored. No more. I am making the choice to stop these unhealthy habits and the insanity they bring.
Goal number 3 is to focus more on journeys. To find more adventures for myself and with Jared. Big trips, little trips, routine adventures. Trying new things and seeing new things. Learning what we like beyond the scope of our "normal." In order to do these things, I need to really focus on money and being careful with it so that I can afford to do more fun things. And I need to keep my eyes up. I noticed that I will go out and do things but my eyes are often focused on the destination and not the journey along the way. I am forgetting to watch for those hidden paths and hidey-holes that bring a smile to my face.

That's it. Just a new year with a new journey. Focused on New.

The End of This Journey and the Beginning of Something New

I am sure you can tell by the title and the large time span since my last post that the pregnancy did not work.  It has been a long and very painful journey, both physically and emotionally.  I told myself several times that I would get on here and update this story.  But every time I thought about it and even logged in, it was too painful and I couldn't do it.  A friend inspired me to finally end this story.  And it still isn't easy. I am crying as I type this.

I went back for the ultrasound that Wednesday.  I was feeling  okay and pretty optimistic that things would be fine.  I wasn't having any more bleeding or weird symptoms. I was tired all the time, which to me means pregnant.  I was lucky that I didn't have to wait long for the ultrasound.  I got a new technician and she was very young (and it seemed inexperienced).  She started with the external ultrasound.  I was able to see the screen while she did the scan.  She was able to find one gestational sac and it measured small.  She scanned several times for a heartbeat.  I asked her if there was one and she said it seems like there is one but it is inconsistent. I thought this was odd because it was so strong and obvious two weeks ago.  I figured it was due to her being new and unskilled and not because of an issue.  I was feeling very pregnant and was not taking 'no' for an answer.  It took her about 10 minutes to do the external ultrasound.  She was very slow and it didn't seem she was that way to be thorough.  She asked me about doing an internal ultrasound but I told her my OB did not want me to.  She told me the report from my OB asked for an internal.  I finally agreed because I wanted some answers.  I emptied my bladder and undressed.  I waited on the bed for a few minutes and she came back.  She did an internal ultrasound for about 30 minutes. I know this because I was watching the clock.  It was the only thing to look at because she had moved the screen away and I couldn't see it anymore.  She wouldn't tell me anything and I finally had to tell her to stop because I was in pain from the wand.  She seemed very inept.  I know I was rude with her but I felt justified in being that way.  Of course she would not tell me the results and I had to go over to my OBs office.  My OB said the results showed only one gestational sac, still measuring a little small but not too far behind.  She said the tech was not sure if she found a heartbeat or not, but felt there was some activity.  My OB told me not to worry and advised she wants me to repeat the ultrasound next week.  She stated it is still early in the pregnancy but things should be definite one way or the other next week.  I agreed.  I left and tried to stay positive.  I knew it was still a long shot that the pregnancy would work but wanted to believe it was happening this time.
The next couple days were normal and busy with work and home.  And then I had bleeding again that Friday.  The morning had been very normal and then I felt like I had to use the bathroom at lunch time.  It was that bathroom feeling you get when you have your period, which I obviously wasn't.  I ran to the bathroom and discovered the bleeding was back.  Still dark brown and chunky.  The chunks looked like pieces of tissue but it was weird that they were dark brown and not red.  I kept telling myself that all the research I had done was that red is bad and brown is fine.  I went out to my car and called my doctor again.  I told her the bleeding was back. She reassured me that everything was fine and not to worry.  She suggested we run another ultrasound today instead of waiting for next week. Obviously I agreed.  She said she would call me back with an appt time.  I couldn't stand the idea of going back into work so I ended up driving around.  My OB called back and told me they could see me at 2:30 pm.  I didn't know what to do so I kept driving around, went back to work for a few minutes, and then went to the ultrasound early.  I had to wait a while because I was early.  I played a game on my phone, looked through emails, sent some texts, anything to keep my mind busy.  I requested the original ultrasound tech and refused to use the one from a few days before.  They agreed to accommodate me.
Finally I went back for the ultrasound.  I had my favorite tech and filled her in on everything from the past few weeks.  I was surprisingly calm and not emotional at all.  She did both an external and internal ultrasound  I was able to see the screen and the answer became very obvious. She was very kind and explained to me what she was looking at. She told me the large gestational sac was still there and measuring very large.  She was not sure how the tech missed it because it is very noticeable.  She said it still shows a bleed and that is most likely why I am having the continued spotting.  She said the other sac is measuring 8 weeks, 2 days and there is no longer a heartbeat.  She was very sorry.  I told her I kind of suspected and had prepared myself.  It was a lie.  I had not prepared myself and was not okay with the answer I was being given.  I was devastated. I wanted to cry and sob and wail, but I stayed calm.  The tech said she wanted to have the radiologist talk with me and I agreed to wait.  He came in a few minutes later and reviewed the results. He told me that I was most likely experiencing a molar pregnancy.  He explained it to me a little but I honestly wasn't listening.  I was busy thinking about how I was going to tell the IPs that it did not work.  Again.  I knew I could look it up on my phone later.  He asked me to go over to my OBs office and I agreed.
I can't remember if I texted the IM then or after my OBs office.  I do remember I sat in my car and looked up the molar pregnancy thing. It was bad, very bad. Basically, the embryos had formed into a viable pregnancy that would never grow into a healthy pregnancy and another embryo that was a tumor.  A TUMOR!  The information I saw on the internet said that 30% of these types of tumors do become cancerous and require chemotherapy and radiation.  I told myself to not freak out and that most likely the diagnosis was wrong.  I met with my OB and went over the information with her.  She told me to stay calm and expected that it would be fine.  She went over the molar pregnancy diagnosis and said it was most likely a partial molar pregnancy because one of the embryos had been viable at one point.  I left her office and went home.  I called my mom and told her what was happening.  And then I broke down  I cried and cried and cried.  The pregnancy had not worked, I had failed again, and now I had a chance of cancer.  I told her my OB was recommending a D&C.  Again.  My mom told me to stay strong and have faith that things would be okay.  I believed her and it helped calm me down a little.
There are a lot of other things that happened but they aren't super important for this story.  My mom ended up coming out to be here for me and I had the D&C.  I knew what to expect this time, which helped the situation.  I also think it is sad that I knew about it and felt like no one should have to go through one, let alone two D&Cs in such a short period of time.  My OB said the D&C went well and they were able to get everything.  They sent the tissue for testing and we finally found out about two weeks later that the tissue was not cancerous and the cancer doc who reviewed the material also felt the tissue was not consistent with a molar or partial molar pregnancy.  They changed my diagnosis to non-viable pregnancy.  My body continued to think it was pregnant for a while and I had to take follow-up beta tests to confirm my body was getting rid of the pregnancy hormones.  It took another couple weeks but finally zeroed out.
And now the journey has ended for both myself and the IPs.  I have done A LOT of thinking and what I have decided is that this is not for me.  I know that everything that happened was because of the eggs and not my body, but I know I can't put myself back in this situation.  Emotionally I don't want to face another failure.  Physically my body has gone through so much and is still trying to recover today.  Mentally I am still wrapping my head around the fact that I could have ended up with cancer.  I don't want to put myself in that situation again and possibly have my child and family affected if something were to go wrong in the future.  The surro director has asked me to carry for another family and has several families waiting, ones with guaranteed embryos.  I thought about it but I can't do it.  I know the IPs are done too.  They contacted me after a few days and told me they are done trying and were thankful for everything I had done.  I know this has been hard on them.  They have given so much and at the end have to walk away with empty hands.

There are things I left out. Thoughts, emotions, etc.  I just wanted to get this story down and skipped some of the details because they are hard to talk about.  I am not sure where I will be in the future but am keeping an open heart and mind about my life.  I am always looking for a new journey and will post when it happens.  My heart is with everyone who reads this.  I wish you luck in your journeys....

Just shy of 9 weeks

I have tried to update this a few times but for some reason it keeps getting jammed and doesn't let me.  I guess that means I was supposed to wait for today, for some reason.

Time is going by pretty quickly, but some days it doesn't feel like it is going by quick enough.  I took the home pregnancy test 8 days after the transfer and it was positive.  Faint but positive.  On a side note, the other surros refer to it as POAS.  Peeing on a Stick.  That phrase grosses me out.
Anyway, My first beta test at the OB's office was 11 days post transfer.  I was so nervous as they took my blood and kept asking if they could rush the results.  The lab tech told me she would put in the request but was not sure whether it would be done that day or the next day.  I told her I needed the results right away and would die without them.  She laughed at my drama.  I was being honest, not dramatic.  I think she missed my sincerity.  I kept calling and calling until the results finally came in and someone gave them to me.  My first beta count (HcG level) was 215.  My OB called to discuss the number.  She said it was within the 'normal range' for a pregnancy but she was not super excited about it.  She asked me to come back the following Monday (on day 14) to take another.  She said the number needs to double before she will feel more confident about the pregnancy.  I was kinda bugged at first but then realized she just wants to be realistic and not get too excited because of what happened last time.  I ended up looking up a bunch of stuff about beta numbers on the internet but of course everyone has a different experience.  I did some stalking on the surro FB page too to check up on everyone else's numbers.  They all seemed about the same as mine so that gave me some hope.  Then I noticed my number last time was about the same.  That made me worry.  I was nervous all weekend but kept reminding myself that there is nothing I can do but wait and see what happens.  I tried to relax and not stress.  The weekend actually went by pretty quickly and Monday morning I was back at my OB's office for another beta test.  I had the same lab tech and we giggled about seeing a lot of each other.  I warned her this was only the beginning and I would be there a lot.  I asked about a rewards card for getting my blood drawn so much but I guess they don't have that.  I didn't get the second results until later in the evening.  My OB called me personally after hours to let me know the number had more than TRIPLED, to 680.  She said she felt very confident about that number and set up my first ultrasound for Thursday, August 29th.  I was so excited when I got off the phone.  I texted an update to the parents and then texted a couple friends that I have told about this transfer.  I felt like I was on cloud 9.  I started getting really anxious for the first ultrasound and get trying to tell myself it would be different this time.  There was no way I could have blighted ovums again.  I told myself to be more anxious about the possibility of twins because my beta had tripled.  I figured that would give me something to focus on while waiting.

The morning of the first ultrasound arrived and I was a nervous mess.  I had to wait a very long time before I finally got to go back to a room.  I was texting with the IM as I waited and that got me even more nervous.  When I finally went back to the room, the nurse informed me that my OB was handling some emergency and would take a bit longer.  She was very apologetic.  I was bugged but then reminded myself I like my OB so much because she takes care of everything and does not just pass things off to others.  I would expect her to be there for me in an emergency so I can't be disgruntled if she is helping someone else.  The nurse agreed to come let me know so that I could undress right before my OB came in, instead of waiting around naked and cold for a long time.  I started reading a magazine and only waited a few minutes before my OB came in.  She talked with me for a few minutes about everything and then talked about doing an external ultrasound to check on things.  She had me lie on the table and used the wand on my abdomen.  I was able to see everything she was looking at because she had the screen turned toward me.  I noticed right away that there was a definite gestational sac.  It looked like it had some bright white material in it.  She said it was most likely a fetal pole but it was hard to see.  She said it was measuring a week behind so she was not sure whether it would be something or not.  I reminded her that the fertility clinic had found a fetal pole at 5 weeks but it was not there later.  My OB agreed we would continue to monitor it and see if it progresses over time.  She did more looking around but did not find any other sacs or stuff.  She did notice a large cyst on my right ovary.  She said that is normal in many pregnancy, as the cyst actually helps feed the uterus as it starts to grow.  She felt it was a positive sign.  Then she decided to do an internal ultrasound just to check and make sure she didn't miss anything.  I thought that was awkward because I wasn't undressed.  I expected her to step out and come back in, but she told me to just strip from the waist down and lay back down.  I think she noticed that I hesitated so she commented that she has seen me naked before.  I laughed and just stripped.  I thought it was weird but I guess she is right.  I also had to remind myself that everyone is going to see everything on me by the end of this adventure.  No time to get all weird about it now.  The internal ultrasound did not show anything more than the external.  She did get a good picture of the gestational sac and it had a clear yolk sac inside it.  She made the same comments about monitoring it and asked me to come back the following Thursday for another ultrasound.  She also asked me to do another blood test before I left to check on the beta levels.  She reminded me to eat healthy and take my prenatals, and left.  I stopped by the lab and did my blood before I left.  I had the same lab tech again.  They took a lot of blood this time.  The lab tech said my OB was asking for a full work up because the pregnancy had been confirmed.  That made me smile.
I got a call from my OB's office the next day with the beta results.  They said it had gone up to over 18,600.  They said that was a very good number and reminded me of my follow-up appt the next week.  I felt so good and happy and relieved.  I started to tell myself that it was different this time and I was pregnant for real.  That it was really happening.  That this family was finally going to get the baby they wanted so much.  I told myself that positive thinking does pay off and good things do happen to good people.

And then I started to worry.  My symptoms this time have not been at all like the pregnancy with my son or the pregnancy during the blighted ovum.  I haven't had the crazy dreams anymore,  I wasn't having heartburn or being tired all the time.  I wasn't gaining a bunch of weight.  I wasn't craving weird things or eating all the time.  I felt normal and fine.  I worried that maybe that was a bad sign.  I told my mom about my fears and she responded that I was pregnant with a girl and that is why I was feeling that way.  I think my mom says some funny things sometimes but this statement felt good and it felt right.  My mom has a way of knowing things sometimes so I told myself to stay positive and just believe.

The rest of the week flew by and the first part of the next week too.  I was busy with work, home, kid, errands, house, etc.  I really didn't have time to think about the pregnancy and really didn't have reminders except the pic of the yolk sac I keep next to my bed and texting with the IM.  I think I just got busy with life and did not want to get to thinking too much or getting negative.  I think it was a good thing I was focused on other stuff.  It kept me from having the crazy irrational thoughts I sometimes have.

On September 4th, I woke up and discovered I was bleeding.  A lot.  It was a dark brown/black color and it scared the crap out of me.  I had no idea what to do.  I cleaned myself up and threw away the pajamas and underwear I was wearing.  There was no way they were getting clean.  I put my dog out to go to the bathroom and sat on my front steps for a long time.  I remember sitting and rocking, and trying to reassure myself.  I knew that some people have spotting during the early part of pregnancy and everything is still fine.  But this did not seem like spotting.  And the dark color freaked me out.  I reminded myself there was nothing I could do and needed to get accept that it may not work out.  I kept repeating this mantra in my head.  I ended up taking a shower and getting ready for work.  I knew there was no way I could go to work and focus, but I had to have some normalcy in my life.  I got my kid up and ready for school.  I dropped him off at school and then decided I needed to call my OB on her cell phone.  She gave it to me for a reason and this seemed like a very good reason to call.  I was surprising calm as I explained to her what was going on.  She knew who I was and told me that everything was fine and to come in today for the ultrasound.  She kept reassuring me and reminded me to stay positive.  She made an appt for me to go to the super high powered radiology department at 9 am, and told me to come over to her office once I was done.  I agreed and hung up with her.  I don't know how I stayed calm but I managed somehow.  I decided I should just drive to the appt, even though it was early, just to give myself something to do.  I ended up driving almost on auto-pilot.  I noticed I started to have some really bad cramping during the drive.  It scared me because I know the motion of the car can sometimes start delivery.  I panicked that I was having a miscarriage as I drove.  I fluctuated between negative crazy thoughts and then reminding myself to stay calm and think positive.  Somehow I made it to the clinic.  I checked in at the radiology department and then just waited.  I ended up going in the bathroom a couple times to check on things and found more spotting, but very minimal.   The cramping was continuing and getting really painful at some times.  I sat in the chair and rocked as I waited. I tried to stay positive and  tried to reassure myself that maybe the worst part was over and the ultrasound would show whether I was still pregnant or not.  I don't know how I did it but I stayed calm and semi-normal in the waiting room.

The ultrasound tech came to get me and talked with me as she walked me to the room.  I told her about the situation and stayed calm still.  I answered her questions.  And then we walked in the room (the same as last time) and I fell apart.  I was crying and sobbing,  It was not pretty.  The ultrasound tech was an older lady and very mothering.  She gave me a hug and kept reassuring me.  She told me she would do an external ultrasound first and had me lay on the bed.  I was crying the whole time.  It was like the flood gates had been opened and they were not stopping until I had cried out every last bit of moisture my body had.  She moved the wand around and did lots of bigger picture mapping before she zoomed in.  I just kept crying.  She had the screen turned toward me so I could watch, so I did and kept crying.  I was able to recognize my uterus and ovaries.  She said the cyst on my right ovary is still there but smaller than what was measured before.  She said that is normal and should continue to shrink as the pregnancy progresses.  This helped calm me and I was finally able to stop crying.  I told her I was still cramping and she said she could tell that I was.  She agreed to go slow to make it less painful for my body and hopefully the cramps would stop.  I appreciate that she did so much to make me comfortable.  It was hard to be there alone but I felt like she was there offering me the reassurance I needed.  She zoomed in and started mapping my uterus next.  She found a really big gestational sac and labeled it.  She did lots of measurements and said it measures at 8 weeks, 6 days,  That was really confusing because I was only 7 weeks, 1 day at this point.  And it had measured really small last week.  I could tell it did not look good.  It did not have the clear lines that it did the week before, and was filled with a glob of weird looking material.  She kept scanning for a heart beat but there was none.  I felt very defeated.  I wanted to cry but felt numb and didn't know what to do.  I just laid there as she took lots of images and kept measuring away, having cramps the whole time.  After she finished measuring, she started to scan back over my uterus.  She found a second gestational sac but it was a lot smaller and hard to see.  She told me we needed to do an internal ultrasound to look at it more closely.  I agreed but I already felt like I had my answer.  She had me empty my bladder in the bathroom next door.  I sat in that bathroom for a long time, not wanting to go back in that room and see more bad news.  But I did.  I did the undressing thing and laid on the bed again.  She came in and started the internal ultrasound,  She found the ugly sac again and did more measurements.  I asked her if there was any hope for it and she told me I would need to talk with my OB about it.  She looked sad and I could tell from her face there wasn't any hope.  I started crying again and begged her to tell me something.  She said she was not sure what it was but it was not viable and would not develop into anything.  She agreed to have the radiologist come in and talk with me.  She then searched for the other sac again.  She found it and I could immediately tell it had some sort of activity going on,  She took a bunch of pics and labeled it baby B.  She did a heartbeat scan and it came back as being active.  I could see the heart beating.  And I started crying,  Hard.  I was so excited.  I wanted to jump off that bed and jump up and down in excitement.  I was ecstatic and emotional at the same time.  She said it seemed viable and was measuring at 6 weeks, 5 days.  Just 3 days behind.  She took a bunch of pics of this one and then went to get the radiologist.  He came in and reviewed the scans she had done.  The probe was still inserted so he did some looking around.  He finally told me that there was a viable pregnancy and everything looked good, but there was also this sac of "abnormal cells" in my uterus.  He hypothesized it could be the embryos that did not work, or something my body created, or something else.  He said that my body is most likely rejecting the cells and that is why I am having the bleeding and cramping.  He said they can see the sac bleeding and believe it is the source.  He told me to follow-up with my OB about suggested I come back the next week for another ultrasound.  He was very nice and I appreciated him being honest and direct with me.  I left feeling like there as a chance.

I called the IM as I was leaving the appt.  I probably should not have.  I was still very emotional and was crying.  I know I freaked her out.  I told her what was going on and that there is a viable sac with a heartbeat for now.  It was unknown whether this other sac would cause a miscarriage or other complications, or what would happen with this other sac.  I agreed to call her after meeting with my OB.

The drive across the street to my OB's office took forever.  And I was not driving well.  Note to self: no driving when emotional and upset.  I know I looked like a crazy person walking in because everyone stayed out of my way, would not get on the elevator with me, and the receptionist knew I was not taking any shit from anyone.  She agreed to get me in right away.  I sat in the waiting room and continued to have cramps.  The spotting seemed to have stopped because I hadn't noticed anymore after the ultrasound.

The meeting with my OB was brief.  She agreed with everything the radiologist had told me.  She reminded me that it will happen if it is meant to be, and it won't if it is not meant to be.  She said I could be on bed rest for the day but said nothing could prevent a miscarriage if it happens.  It is too early for an medications or interventions.  She told me the viable sac was high in the uterus, in a prime location.  She felt the cyst was helping to feed it and the other sac was down lower, near the exit.  She said my body seems to be ridding itself of the other material and not to worry about it.  She also talked about my thyroid being slightly off and needing to up my meds.  I told her I had the cyst and med increase when I was pregnant with Jared.  She pointed out these are all good signs for this pregnancy.  She told me to go home and rest, and eat some chocolate.  I started crying and told her I am not allowed to have chocolate yet.  She laughed and told me to have some anyway, to help lift my spirits.  I left feeling much better but still confused about what the future will bring.  I called the IM to update her and texted the IF.  I know they want definite answers but there aren't any.  The IM asked me to go in for an ultrasound the next week.  I told her my OB wants me to wait two weeks because she feels like the internal ultrasounds are too hard on my body.  She feels like two weeks will give us a definite answer of what will happen.  I personally hate waiting but I also respect my OB and trust that she knows what is best.  My next ultrasound appt is set for this Wed, September 18th.  We will know then whether the pregnancy will last or not.  I will be 9 weeks, 1 day at that point.

I stayed on bed rest that day and the next.  The spotting stopped Wednesday afternoon but the cramping continued until Thursday morning.  TMI warning- I noticed some snotty brown material in my underwear Thursday morning.  I think it was my body just getting rid of the last little bit, and surprisingly I was not freaked out about it.  It did remind me about me about the mucus plug so I did some research about it.  I found out the plug forms around week 7 to 9, so I started to think that maybe my body was preparing to make the plug and had to get rid of this extra stuff before it sealed off everything for the rest of the pregnancy.  The more I thought about it, the more it made sense.  It gave me a huge piece of mind.

The last week and a half have gone by quickly and also crawled at the same time.  I have tried to stay busy and also keep telling myself positive things.  I think it helps me mentally and emotionally to do this.  I have felt more pregnant during this time.  I have started to feel icky during the day.  It's not nausea or morning sickness.  I just feel blah and the thought of food turns me off.  I don't really get hungry very much and most every food sounds disgusting.  I have to force myself to eat and then feel sick afterward.  I have had heartburn a few times but not bad.  I have been craving sugar really bad.  Sugar sounds so good.  Seriously, so good!  I am being careful with my food choices so I have been eating a lot of fruit.  I also noticed that I can stomach soup and not feel sick afterward.  I made a huge batch of Tuscan veggie soup last weekend and ate it all week.  I don't usually like carrots but I was eating them like crazy as I prepped the soup.  I know carrots have a lot of natural sugar so I think that is why they were so good.  I have also started to feel more tired.  I could take a nap every day, and do on some weekend days.  I have also gotten very nesty.  I feel the need to clean and organize everything.  I have started about 4 craft projects and am in this zone to update and freshen the decor in my house.  Even just a new throw pillow seems to make everything better.

I am looking forward to the ultrasound this week and am feeling positive and hopeful.  I have noticed my abdomen is getting harder and swelling a bit.  I can still wear my own clothes (and hopefully will for quite a while) but I can't lay on my stomach anymore.  It feels like a hard armadillo is under me and is really uncomfortable.  I also can't lay on my back because the shot sites on my butt are really hard and sore all the time.  The knots are huge and not going away.  I end up sleeping on my side, hugging a body pillow.  I did a blood test on Wednesday to check my progesterone and estrogen.  If all is well, my last round of estrogen pills and progesterone shot will be tomorrow night.  I know my body is so ready to be done with them and take over on its own.  It seems like my body is rejecting them because it doesn't need them anymore.  It can handle the hormones on its own.  I guess Wednesday will be able to tell everything we are waiting to know.

5 weeks

Quite a bit has happened in the past two weeks.  Bed rest went well.  Nothing too exciting about it.  I had the crazy dreams, like last time.  I seemed more tired this time and just wanted to sleep and nap all the time.  I think that it because I have been so busy lately and not because of any major medical stuff.  But we can say my body was doing some serious baby-making if we want. :)
I did get to spend some time with the Intended Parents and it was really nice.  The more I get to know them, the more I fall in love with them.  They are such amazing people and are so ready to be parents.  I feel for them and am so hopeful that the transfer works this time.  I know it will be devastating for both them and me if something happens and it doesn't work.  But I don't like to think about that.  I am choosing to stay and think positive until we know one way or the other.
Bed rest went by way too quickly and it was back to regular life.  I went back to work the next day and have been pretty much normal, other than the reduced physical activity.  I have been craving the gym and am excited to be able to go back once I get the clearance from the fertility doc.  For now I have to content myself with walking the dog, James.  The "walks" are more like a slow meandering around the block.  It is such a short distance but seems to take us forever.  There are just so many things to sniff at, dig in, and pee on.  (James does these things, not me.  I promise.)  I find that I take about 4 to 5 steps and then have to stop as James checks everything out.  I used to get frustrated and impatient about it but now it is good for me because it reminds me to take it slow and not push it.
I didn't notice any major symptoms or things to be aware of this time.  I had the crazy dreams a few times, lots of nights with leg cramps, but that was about all.  No heart burn, no nausea, no extreme tiredness.  I worried that maybe it didn't take so I ended up taking a home pregnancy test about a week after the transfer.  My fellow surros had been bugging me to take one but I didn't feel the urge like I did last time.  I think I am more calm this time and just accepting what may happen.  I did finally break down and take one.  I was kind of scared at first because the control window filled in nice and dark, but the pregnant/non-pregnant window took a long time.  It was probably a full minute before the little plus actually appeared.  I read and reread the instructions a few times just to make sure.  It was the same result- pregnant!  I worried that maybe the test was broken because the result was faded.  I texted the IPs and sent them a pic, and then asked a fellow surro.  She reassured me that pregnant is pregnant, faded or not.  I will admit I did not get super excited this time.  I was excited but I also remembered that this happened last time and it ended up not working out.  I guess I did not want to get my heart set on it again when there was still no guarantee.  I know the IPs are feeling confident that the "one who is not like any others" will be a sure thing but I still didn't know whether to invest my heart into it or not.  Sorry it that seems harsh but it's true.  So, I was excited for a few minutes and then went back to life as normal.  I didn't tell many people about it because I don't want to have to explain everything all over again.  I am keeping the circle quite small this time.

I guess I should explain about the "one who is not like any others."  The IM did an initial follicle extraction.  She was very sick and did not respond well to the meds.  She ended up with only a few eggs that were extracted and they were only able to create one embryo that lived and was viable.  The embryo did not rate high at the time so the fertility clinic recommended they freeze it and continue with another extraction.  They were able to get 4 embryos from that process.  We transferred the two strongest last time and they did not work out.  We ended up transferring the three remaining embryos this time, with the hopes that at least one of them would work.  We are all trying to be positive about the "one" being the embryo that will defy all the odds and actually stick this time.  After the thawing process, it was rated a BBC.  The embryologist felt positive about it and said it has a great chance of making it.  BTW- the embryologist was great this time and did not pause for dramatic effect or give any of us a heartattack.  It was a different one and she simply said that all three "survived" and were ready.  One of them was smaller than the others and the two rated less than the "one" but she explained they all have a chance of working.  I guess we will have to wait and see.

The next step after the home pregnancy test was to take the actual blood test to check the beta (HcG) levels.  I went to my OBs office and did the test right away Friday morning.  I will admit I got a little teary eyed as I waited but was trying to stay positive and think happy thoughts.  My doc was out of the office doing surgeries but they told me she would call me later to give me the results.  It was such a hard day having to wait for news!!  I finally heard back from the fertility clinic.  The nurse was so excited and screamed "You are pregnant!" when I picked up the phone.  She said my initial beta was 212 and they thought the number was "great" and did not feel I needed to repeat it.  She told me to set up my initial 6 week ultrasound at the end of the month and I was officially 4 weeks and 2 days on Friday.  She had already called the IPs to give them the news.  The IM texted me as I was on the phone with her.  The nurse seemed to excited and confident that it made me feel the same way.  It felt like it was really happening this time.
My OB ended up calling me the next day (on a Saturday!).  She said the number was within the normal range but she wanted to avoid any heartache because of what happened last time.  She asked me to come back on Monday to repeat the beta.  They had also forgotten to test my estrogen and needed me to do that anyway.  I will admit I kinda worried over the weekend.  My OB can sometimes be very serious and hard to read.  I wasn't sure if I should be worried or not.  I went back on Monday and repeated the blood draw.  The nurse called me in the afternoon and told me my progesterone level had come back "really high" at 66.9.  She said this was either because of all the meds they have me on or because it was a multiple pregnancy.  She didn't have the beta level but agreed to call me back with it.  Of course she left me stressing for a while.  When she finally called back, it was with good news.  My beta had not doubled, like my OB wanted.  It had tripled!  It was now 680!!  I called the fertility clinic and they said to continue on with the same amount of meds and wait for confirmation for the ultrasound.  I made my appt for Thursday, August 29th at 11 am.  I am honestly waiting on pins and needles until then!

The meds are going pretty good this time.  I ended up having a reaction to the estrogen and got very itchy (down there).  I looked it up online and it said it can result from many things but is often early sign of pregnancy.  Nothing to worry about but obviously very uncomfortable.  My OB gave me a prescription for a pill that helps balance out the chemicals since I needed to continue the estrogen.  The itching has finally gone away (sweet relief!).  I have also noticed my body is starting to fight the progesterone injections.  The knots are back and they are big and tough this time.  We are getting creative with the injection shots and having to move them around a bit.  If we try to use the same spot, the progesterone is hard to inject and will actually leak out a little.  I had to give myself the shots for three days while my neighbor was gone (God bless her for giving them to me!!).  It was a very odd experience.  It went well the first two times.  Of course I freaked myself out about the needle and finally had to just stab myself.  I missed a couple times and ended up doing a "few" injections per shot.  My butt looked like it was attacked my mini mosquito bites for a few days.  Once the needle was in, it was easy going.  The third day did not go well.  I finally got the needle in but it met with resistance.  I didn't get blood when I drew the plunger out, so I knew it wasn't a blood vessel or bone.  It was just a tough spot.  I didn't want to try and stick myself again so I just went for it.  It took a lot of pushing but I finally got all the progesterone in.  When I pulled the needle out, it leaked a little and there was some blood.  I got really queasy and ended up crawling out of the bathroom on my hands and knees.  I was very grateful it was the last night because I did not want to go through that again.  I will let my neighbor handle the next few weeks.  She is much better and stronger at it than I am.  I am way too squeamish. Blech!

I have actually been feeling pretty good.  I did get a few minutes of heartburn today and was tired in the afternoon.  I was glad I only worked a half day because I took a nap and it was wonderful.  Most of the time my energy is normal.  I was worried about being tired all the time because I am not having any caffeine, but it has been easier than I thought.  I have noticed I have been eating a lot of bananas and veggies, and they seem to provide me with natural energy.  I guess those health nuts do know what they are talking about!  lol

I titled the post 5 weeks because I am officially 5 weeks today.  My IM texted me that the heart is still being formed but starts cardio contractions today.  Basically the first heart beats.  I celebrated by posting random heartbeat quotes and lines from songs all day.  It's really exciting.

There are more things to update but I am tired and will do it another night.  Think positive and hope for at least one heart beat on the 29th!!

Take 2!

I haven't updated this in quite some time. I better just jump into it and give you the skinny on the latest news. Right now I am on bed rest. Yep, bed rest. The last few weeks has been quite the whirlwind.
Since my last blog entry, I started my period again in July. I was hoping it would start around the 14th or 16th  but it actually started on the 19th. The day after my 36th birthday. That meant it was time to start taking meds for a new transfer. I was really excited to get the process started again and felt kind of like an old pro. For the first few days it was just using the estrogen pills like before. My good old smurf pills. Then I went to the Utah clinic on the following Monday for my baseline ultrasound. They said everything looked great and I was good to go. I continued on estrogen pills and went back on day 11, the following Monday, for my lining check ultrasound. My lining measured 9.6. That is a good number but the ultrasound tech mentioned that the lining was thickening but haven't started to separate and fluff up. She thought that would happen soon and sent the results out to the Cali clinic to get their approval. I was so nervous all day while I waited for the call from them. I was nervous because I wanted the process to move forward but knew from past experiences that sometimes my body does not always cooperate. I got the call from the clinic nurse that night and she said we were good to go. She had spoken with the IPs and they wanted to do a Monday, August 5th transfer. She gave me my instructions and sent the meds.
I started my oral meds and progesterone shots on Wednesday. The first shot actually went well. I think my body remembered and I already knew what to expect. The second was a little more uncomfortable but still not bad. The third shot left a bruise and lump. They have been hurting since. Each shot is still fine but using the heating pad definitely helps.
The next step was to fly to Cali for the transfer. I have been so excited! I didn't mind getting up early to travel and it felt surreal as I stepped off the plane in Cali. I just felt this amazing peace and comfort, that this is supposed to happen. I met the IM and her mom outside the airport. It felt good and comfortable to see them. The IM gave me a hug and I felt close to her. She and I have talked a lot more over the last few months and I feel like she is an important part of my life now. We went for a short drive through beautiful San Diego and then stopped at a place called Snooze for lunch. It was really yummy and worth the long wait. The IF cane to join us and it was really good to see him too. I look at them and see two people who should be parents. They have so many amazing qualities and deserve this.
After brunch we had to drive to the clinic. The California scenery is so calming and beautiful, but my thoughts were on the transfer and hoping it would go well. I was trying to think positive and encourage positive vibes for the family.
Things actually went quickly at the clinic. We waited for a few minutes and then they took the IPs back to talk with them about the embryos. I waited for a few more minutes and then they came to get me too. The embryologist basically said the three embryos all "survived" the process and were viable. This talk went much better than last time with the whole "collapsed" debacle. It was relieving to hear it went well, which I kind of figured. This fertility clinic is amazing and knows their stuff. I have faith that they are good at what they do. Once they talked about the embryos, they took me into the room to get prepped. I took my Valium to be calm and then undressed into the gown, hair cover and booties. The nurse checked my bladder and gave me more water to drink. She went to check with the doc and cane back to say we were ready to proceed. She left again to get the family. I did some reflection while I was waiting. I didn't feel nervous or scared. I felt hopeful and ready. I think I need this just as much as the family at this point. I thought about how I need this to be successful so I del like I have completed something I set out to do. I tried to stay positive and just encourage my womb with positive thoughts.
They brought the IPs and her mom in and then got my body ready for the procedure. The fertility doc came in and did his prep work. The embryologist brought in the space age case with the embryos. It looked kind if like a NICU infant case a little this time. It made me think more about a baby than a lab setting. The process of implantation went quickly this time. The doc chose to place all three right in the middle. I couldn't tell what we were looking at but the IM thought my uterus looked like a winking face. At least we know now my uterus is just as funny as I am. ;)
The aftermath was really simple. No emotions or fears. Just peace and calm. Probably because of the Valium but mainly because it felt right. We went to the hotel and I fell asleep in the car on the way. I fell asleep again in the hotel. I was exhausted.
So now I am just chilling on bed rest. I had the crazy dreams last night and I have had to pee a lot today. Those are my only symptoms so far. My blood test is going to be on Friday, August 16th. So I guess we are just waiting until then. Everybody needs to think sticky thoughts, be positive and pray that this is THE time. 😃

The Journey Continues.....

I haven't posted in a while because there hasn't been anything to post.  After the D&C in March, they told me I had to wait for two good periods before anything else could be done.  I was hoping they might happen right away but they pretty much took their time.  But, I did finally have them and then the process got to continue.  I went to the Utah Fertility Clinic on Monday and had a follow-up water ultrasound done.  It was the same thing I had done in California last summer, but was much quicker and easier.  There was no space age chair to try and balance on and there were only two people in the room.  The process went quickly.  The doctor said everything looked great and my uterus was ready for another transfer.  She sent the results out to Dr. G and his office.  The nurse called me on Tuesday and confirmed I am ready to move forward.  She said to start the estrogen tablets on my next period and then we can transfer as soon as my body is ready.  I will have an ultrasound on day 3 and day 10.  If my lining is ready by day 10, then I would do a few days of progesterone shots and maybe transfer the end of July.  I am excited and can't wait!

Back at it....

I have thought many times about updating this post but keep making excuses to not do it.  I didn't want to say anything because I was upset and disappointed.  Then I thought I owed it to my faithful followers (the few) to update what is happening with the process and myself.  Then my dad got really sick and I went out to see him, and that became my new excuse.  Then I got busy and figured it was in the past and didn't mean anything.
But today I am back on track and in a good place, and I am ready to update this.

What happened, you ask?  Well, my follow-up appointment did not go well.  I was seen by the radiology department again.  It was the same experience but much faster.  She didn't tell me anything but I snuck a look at the screen and saw the same thing.  Two black, empty sacs.  It looked like one of the them had something coming off of it.  I knew she wouldn't tell me anything so I hurried over to my OB's office as soon as the ultrasounds were done.  My OB showed me the images and explained that both fetal sacs had grown and were now caught up with where they should be as far as gestational age.  She said that my body is fighting hard to make the pregnancy work and is doing everything it can to help that happen.  I had two gestational sacs with placentas but nothing inside of them to take advantage of everything.  She couldn't give me answers about why this happened but guessed that the fetal material was not healthy and could not grow.  I asked about the Utah Fertility Clinic seeing a fetal pole but now there was nothing.  She said there most likely was something but that it stopped growing because it was unhealthy.  She said this happens a lot and women are not even aware.  I had the (dis)advantage of early knowledge and exams to realize I was pregnant and see the early signs.  My OB was very direct but positive about what was going on and reassured me that everything is fine with my body and I would be able to get pregnant again.  I was relieved to hear her say this as I was blaming myself a lot.  I had gone back and thought about every second of the past several weeks and wondered if I had done or not done something that could have changed the outcome.  MY OB reassured me I was fine and to continue to have hope.  She was very caring and it made me feel some comfort to know that she was giving me that support.  Usually doctors are too busy to offer a relationship like this.
My OB then talked about the reality of needing to terminate the pregnancy.  I was technically about nine weeks and my body should have spontaneously miscarried.  My OB was worried that my body was not letting go of the pregnancy and worried about how that would impact my health.  She discussed my options and recommended I follow through with the D&C.  I did not like this idea and wanted to wait for things to happen naturally.  She explained the problems with doing this and said it may impact my body and health.  I finally agreed and it was set for the next day.  She went over all the information so I would be prepared.
I don't want to say much about the D&C.  If you have never had one, hope that you never do.  If you have, you understand.  I do not want to do that again but I feel more prepared for what it will be like if it does happen again.

Right while all this was going on, my dad got really sick and was in the hospital for a few weeks.  They weren't able to figure out what caused his illness but said it was some sort of infection.  It was really hard on him and made his overall physical health and capabilities degrade.  I decided to take a break from life and all this stuff, and went out to see him for a week.  It was an amazing visit and helped lift my spirits.  It was hard to see him so deteriorated but it also reminded me about how precious life is.  I thought a lot that week about this process and if I wanted to try again.  I figured out that I am even more committed now to making this work.

Now?  Now we are just waiting for my body to reset and be ready.  The Cali fertility clinic said they want me to have two normal periods (cycles) and then we will retest my uterus and start over.  I am sad that this process is taking longer but I will try and be patient.  I know the IPs are having to do the same.  I am hopeful that things will work out this time and that this won't happen again.  I spoke with the nurse and she said the doc is optimistic that we will have one successful pregnancy with the next transfer.  They talked about transferring the remaining three embryos at the next transfer, to increase the odds.  I am fine with this and not worried about ending up with triplets.  The odds are against that.

I will try and keep this updated more.  Right now I am just trying to get my body ready through exercise and eating healthy.  Mentally I am already ready and just waiting for this adventure to continue. :)

Stuck on the Roller Coaster for a few more days.

You could probably guess from the title that the appointment on Thursday did not quite go so well.  I went to the Radiology department and saw the specialist for the mega powerful ultrasound.  She did both an external and internal ultrasound.  She didn't let me see the screen and told me she couldn't answer any questions for me.  She told me to follow-up with my doctor about any questions and to get the results.  I kind of understood where she was coming from.  She doesn't want to say something she shouldn't and then get in trouble.  At the same time, I was really frustrated that I had to lay there for about 45 minutes and didn't get any answers.  I did peek at her screen when she left the room for a minute.  The images basically showed what we already knew: there are two black circles with nothing inside.  I was hoping that wasn't the case and that there was something I couldn't see.  Ultrasounds make no sense to me and I am not sure what they look at sometimes.  I couldn't wait to get to my doctor's office for the news.
After the ultrasound, I rushed to my doctor's office down the street.  They were pretty good about getting me back to see her right away but I had to wait a few minutes while waiting for her to finish up with another patient.  I was feeling every emotion possible and did not like sitting in that room by myself.  I ended up Googling some information on my phone while I sat there.  The first thing that came up was this thing called a "blighted ovum".  The websites I looked at described that the body will think it is pregnant and will create a healthy gestational sac and placenta, but will not allow the fetus to actually grow and develop.  This is usually due to a chromosomal abnormality.  It's the body's way of protecting a fetus from growing that could have a deformity or genetic issue.  I figured this explained why my HCG levels keep going up and my body acts pregnant, but nothing else seems to be happening.  The nurse came in at one point and gave me some blood test results.  it showed that my HCG on Monday was way over 25,000 and the blood test I did yesterday showed it had gone up to over 32,000.  According to the information on the bottom of the page, that was within the normal range for where I was.
My doctor finally came in and went over the results with me.  She was very friendly and sincere, and genuine.  She confirmed that the ultrasounds showed that I still have two gestational sacs and placentas are forming, but there is nothing inside the sacs.  The sacs are bigger today and have a more firm circular shape, telling her they are more healthy than a few days ago and they are growing.  She didn't have a lot of answers about why they are empty so I asked about the "blighted ovum" thing.  She said that is a term they used to use but no longer do.  Now they simply call it a viable sac with no fetus.  She said it basically is what it is.  She said my blood tests were great and she felt like we should give it another week before we make a final decision.  I asked what waiting a week would do.  She explained that there is still a small chance that a fetal pole and heartbeat could develop in the next week.  The sacs had grown from being 5 weeks 5 days on Monday to being just under 7 weeks today.  She felt like we should give it one more week to see if anything develops since the sacs are catching up to where they should be with the timeline we have.  I didn't feel like she gave me any false hope but what she was saying made sense.  I think she wants to be 100% sure and give them every chance she can before anyone calls it quits.
She did say that if nothing develops by next week, then we need to stop the cycle and schedule a D&C.  This freaked me out because I have always thought of those as being very negative and scary. She explained the process to me and why she would recommend one instead of just having my body miscarry naturally.  She said that if the pregnancy is not viable, my body will start a natural miscarriage in the next few weeks.  The problem with letting it happen naturally is that the chance of having complications and hemorrhaging.  She recommended the D&C to protect me.
I am scheduled to go back on Thursday for another super mega ultrasound and then see my OB right after.
I left the appointment and talked with the IM for a few minutes.  I honestly wasn't sure what to say.  I felt like it was a "no" that things weren't working out but there is also this part of me that refuses to accept that and needs everything to work out and be okay.  Part of me felt some hope because the sacs are still growing and are catching up.  And my blood tests are great.  The websites I read on said that many of those empty sacs ended up having fetal growth and heartbeats by week 8.  And I am right at that point.  I felt like she knew it was a "no" and was accepting it more than I am.  I am not sure how she can be that strong but I definitely value that in her.  I know that I am a mess and this isn't my child we are talking about.  This experience has made me feel that these IPs are the most deserving people and it makes me want to fight even harder to make this happen.
After I talked with her, I checked in with the nurse at the fertility clinic.  She agreed with the plan of action but needed to run it by the Doc.  She agreed to call me back later.  She shared with me that she has had a "blighted ovum" before and they are not the end of things.  She was very positive and made me feel much better about the situation.  She told me to stay positive and just wait for the news on Thursday.  She called me back later that day to say the Doc was in agreement with the plan and my blood levels are good.  So, I continue on the meds for one more week.

Today- I am not sure today.  I was feeling pretty good before but I think things are catching up with me now.  I am not sure if I should keep fighting or give up.  I keep talking to my uterus, hoping to convince P. Shirley and Squishie to grow and be there for Thursday.  I have prayed and begged a higher power or the universe to make this okay.  The IM texted me and said they want to proceed with another transfer once I am ready.  I read the text and thought "heck yes!".  I am so ready to do this all over again, even with everything that has happened.  But there is still that part of me that won't give up on these two.

From this experience, I have learned so much.  I knew that there would be times it would be emotional and hard, but I never really knew just how hard it would be until I was in it.  I can only imagine how hard it has been on the IPs.  I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone.

As far as my health, I feel okay.  I am less tired than before but my body is being weak and fatigued.  I still get tired at night and am in bed by 9 pm most nights.  I am still doing the nightly shots.  They were much easier in the beginning.  It is harder now because my bum has built up scar tissue so the shots are harder to get in.  Sometimes they hurt and burn really bad.  I bleed almost every time now.  Sometimes I can use a bandaid to stop it.  Sometimes it bleeds through.  The good news is that the shots will end soon; because either the babies will grow and I will pass the shot mark or because we end and have to start over.

It's a Roller Coaster

I will be honest.  I am not sure what to even think or feel at this point.  I went for my second ultrasound on Monday. This appointment was at my OBs office.  The appointment was originally set for last Friday but they called as I was getting to the clinic to reschedule because my doctor was taking a patient to surgery.  I was irritated but also realized this is why I like this doctor so much.  She treats all of her patients like they are her good friends.  I decided to not be irritated about it and figured it would be better to wait until Monday because then they would have more time to cook.
I arrived for my appointment and all seemed well.  I filled out a bunch of paperwork and they finally took me back into a room. The physician's assistant then came in and talked with me for a few minutes.  Then she took me into another room (the ultrasound room) and told me to undress.  All the way.  And put on the paper gown.  And then I had to wait for a long time.  And it was cold.
My doctor finally came in and talked with me.  I think she had forgotten that we met and talked last year about me wanting to do this.  She is still excited to be a part of it and was excited to hear about the process and how it has gone.  She finally did an external ultrasound and showed me that she could find two sacs.  They both appeared to be about the same size this time but she couldn't see very well and had to switch to an internal ultrasound.  It doesn't even phase me anymore because I am so used to them.  She used the internal wand and had to move around for a while before she found them.  She said the same thing the Utah fertility clinic had said before, about there being some shadow or something that was preventing her from getting a clear picture.  And this machine seemed a lot better than the one at the fertility clinic.  She finally found the two embrionic sacs.  They measure the same size but are considered to be "lagging" because they only measure about 5 weeks 5 days each.  She did more looking to see if either of them had a fetal pole or heartbeat but she couldn't find anything.  She said that one of the sacs did have something in the corner but it was hard to tell.
I felt deflated.  I was really hoping that there would have been at least one heartbeat and was frustrated that there wasn't.  I was so focused on not getting to hear a heart beat that it took me a while to realize that she had talked about not seeing any fetal material inside either sac.  Once I realized this, I was really confused.  How could they be growing and now be the same size and have nothing inside them?  And how could I have the symptoms of being pregnant if I really am not??  After the exam, my doctor talked with me about some options.  She recommended the first course of action be to get my HCG levels tested again.  She said my number by now should be well over 22,000 if the pregnancy is working.  She also knew to test my progesterone and estrogen for the fertility clinic.  She also suggested that I go to the radiology department for a super high powered ultrasound.  My doctor's office is inside the hospital so I offered to wander down the hall in my paper gown.  Unfortunately, the earliest available appointment was for Thursday at 9 am.  So I was back to waiting.  She also asked me to come back and re-do my blood test for an additional HCG.  And then wait to talk with her about the final results.  It was hard to get a read on her and whether she was hopeful that something could happen.  She has a dry personality, kinda like Dr. G, and is hard to read.  I agreed with her plan and headed back to work.
I ended up looking up some information on the internet because I just couldn't understand how I could have two embrionic sacs but have them be empty.  Maybe the babies just went on a walk or a little vacation?  I know that is not possible but there is something odd going on here.  I did find information about lots of women that have had IVF and had empty sacs on ultrasounds until about week 8 or 9, and the embryos and heartbeats suddenly appear.  I am hoping that is the case now.
My emotions were all over the place all day.  I was happy, I was sad, I was confused, I was angry, I was content and accepting, back to confused and sad.  I felt like I had gone through the stages of grief.
To add to all of this, I got a call from the fertility clinic Monday night.  My HCG came back at over 25,000.  Well over the 22,000 my doctor predicted.  The nurse was just as confused as I was and said she wasn't sure what to think either.  She told me to be hopeful and just wait for the ultrasound on Thursday to see what happens then.
I went back to the doctor today and did my follow-up blood test.  I am curious to see what my HCG comes back as.  And I am very anxious for the ultrasound tomorrow.  They better be able to see one way or the other what will happen.
I will keep you posted.....