Just shy of 9 weeks

I have tried to update this a few times but for some reason it keeps getting jammed and doesn't let me.  I guess that means I was supposed to wait for today, for some reason.

Time is going by pretty quickly, but some days it doesn't feel like it is going by quick enough.  I took the home pregnancy test 8 days after the transfer and it was positive.  Faint but positive.  On a side note, the other surros refer to it as POAS.  Peeing on a Stick.  That phrase grosses me out.
Anyway, My first beta test at the OB's office was 11 days post transfer.  I was so nervous as they took my blood and kept asking if they could rush the results.  The lab tech told me she would put in the request but was not sure whether it would be done that day or the next day.  I told her I needed the results right away and would die without them.  She laughed at my drama.  I was being honest, not dramatic.  I think she missed my sincerity.  I kept calling and calling until the results finally came in and someone gave them to me.  My first beta count (HcG level) was 215.  My OB called to discuss the number.  She said it was within the 'normal range' for a pregnancy but she was not super excited about it.  She asked me to come back the following Monday (on day 14) to take another.  She said the number needs to double before she will feel more confident about the pregnancy.  I was kinda bugged at first but then realized she just wants to be realistic and not get too excited because of what happened last time.  I ended up looking up a bunch of stuff about beta numbers on the internet but of course everyone has a different experience.  I did some stalking on the surro FB page too to check up on everyone else's numbers.  They all seemed about the same as mine so that gave me some hope.  Then I noticed my number last time was about the same.  That made me worry.  I was nervous all weekend but kept reminding myself that there is nothing I can do but wait and see what happens.  I tried to relax and not stress.  The weekend actually went by pretty quickly and Monday morning I was back at my OB's office for another beta test.  I had the same lab tech and we giggled about seeing a lot of each other.  I warned her this was only the beginning and I would be there a lot.  I asked about a rewards card for getting my blood drawn so much but I guess they don't have that.  I didn't get the second results until later in the evening.  My OB called me personally after hours to let me know the number had more than TRIPLED, to 680.  She said she felt very confident about that number and set up my first ultrasound for Thursday, August 29th.  I was so excited when I got off the phone.  I texted an update to the parents and then texted a couple friends that I have told about this transfer.  I felt like I was on cloud 9.  I started getting really anxious for the first ultrasound and get trying to tell myself it would be different this time.  There was no way I could have blighted ovums again.  I told myself to be more anxious about the possibility of twins because my beta had tripled.  I figured that would give me something to focus on while waiting.

The morning of the first ultrasound arrived and I was a nervous mess.  I had to wait a very long time before I finally got to go back to a room.  I was texting with the IM as I waited and that got me even more nervous.  When I finally went back to the room, the nurse informed me that my OB was handling some emergency and would take a bit longer.  She was very apologetic.  I was bugged but then reminded myself I like my OB so much because she takes care of everything and does not just pass things off to others.  I would expect her to be there for me in an emergency so I can't be disgruntled if she is helping someone else.  The nurse agreed to come let me know so that I could undress right before my OB came in, instead of waiting around naked and cold for a long time.  I started reading a magazine and only waited a few minutes before my OB came in.  She talked with me for a few minutes about everything and then talked about doing an external ultrasound to check on things.  She had me lie on the table and used the wand on my abdomen.  I was able to see everything she was looking at because she had the screen turned toward me.  I noticed right away that there was a definite gestational sac.  It looked like it had some bright white material in it.  She said it was most likely a fetal pole but it was hard to see.  She said it was measuring a week behind so she was not sure whether it would be something or not.  I reminded her that the fertility clinic had found a fetal pole at 5 weeks but it was not there later.  My OB agreed we would continue to monitor it and see if it progresses over time.  She did more looking around but did not find any other sacs or stuff.  She did notice a large cyst on my right ovary.  She said that is normal in many pregnancy, as the cyst actually helps feed the uterus as it starts to grow.  She felt it was a positive sign.  Then she decided to do an internal ultrasound just to check and make sure she didn't miss anything.  I thought that was awkward because I wasn't undressed.  I expected her to step out and come back in, but she told me to just strip from the waist down and lay back down.  I think she noticed that I hesitated so she commented that she has seen me naked before.  I laughed and just stripped.  I thought it was weird but I guess she is right.  I also had to remind myself that everyone is going to see everything on me by the end of this adventure.  No time to get all weird about it now.  The internal ultrasound did not show anything more than the external.  She did get a good picture of the gestational sac and it had a clear yolk sac inside it.  She made the same comments about monitoring it and asked me to come back the following Thursday for another ultrasound.  She also asked me to do another blood test before I left to check on the beta levels.  She reminded me to eat healthy and take my prenatals, and left.  I stopped by the lab and did my blood before I left.  I had the same lab tech again.  They took a lot of blood this time.  The lab tech said my OB was asking for a full work up because the pregnancy had been confirmed.  That made me smile.
I got a call from my OB's office the next day with the beta results.  They said it had gone up to over 18,600.  They said that was a very good number and reminded me of my follow-up appt the next week.  I felt so good and happy and relieved.  I started to tell myself that it was different this time and I was pregnant for real.  That it was really happening.  That this family was finally going to get the baby they wanted so much.  I told myself that positive thinking does pay off and good things do happen to good people.

And then I started to worry.  My symptoms this time have not been at all like the pregnancy with my son or the pregnancy during the blighted ovum.  I haven't had the crazy dreams anymore,  I wasn't having heartburn or being tired all the time.  I wasn't gaining a bunch of weight.  I wasn't craving weird things or eating all the time.  I felt normal and fine.  I worried that maybe that was a bad sign.  I told my mom about my fears and she responded that I was pregnant with a girl and that is why I was feeling that way.  I think my mom says some funny things sometimes but this statement felt good and it felt right.  My mom has a way of knowing things sometimes so I told myself to stay positive and just believe.

The rest of the week flew by and the first part of the next week too.  I was busy with work, home, kid, errands, house, etc.  I really didn't have time to think about the pregnancy and really didn't have reminders except the pic of the yolk sac I keep next to my bed and texting with the IM.  I think I just got busy with life and did not want to get to thinking too much or getting negative.  I think it was a good thing I was focused on other stuff.  It kept me from having the crazy irrational thoughts I sometimes have.

On September 4th, I woke up and discovered I was bleeding.  A lot.  It was a dark brown/black color and it scared the crap out of me.  I had no idea what to do.  I cleaned myself up and threw away the pajamas and underwear I was wearing.  There was no way they were getting clean.  I put my dog out to go to the bathroom and sat on my front steps for a long time.  I remember sitting and rocking, and trying to reassure myself.  I knew that some people have spotting during the early part of pregnancy and everything is still fine.  But this did not seem like spotting.  And the dark color freaked me out.  I reminded myself there was nothing I could do and needed to get accept that it may not work out.  I kept repeating this mantra in my head.  I ended up taking a shower and getting ready for work.  I knew there was no way I could go to work and focus, but I had to have some normalcy in my life.  I got my kid up and ready for school.  I dropped him off at school and then decided I needed to call my OB on her cell phone.  She gave it to me for a reason and this seemed like a very good reason to call.  I was surprising calm as I explained to her what was going on.  She knew who I was and told me that everything was fine and to come in today for the ultrasound.  She kept reassuring me and reminded me to stay positive.  She made an appt for me to go to the super high powered radiology department at 9 am, and told me to come over to her office once I was done.  I agreed and hung up with her.  I don't know how I stayed calm but I managed somehow.  I decided I should just drive to the appt, even though it was early, just to give myself something to do.  I ended up driving almost on auto-pilot.  I noticed I started to have some really bad cramping during the drive.  It scared me because I know the motion of the car can sometimes start delivery.  I panicked that I was having a miscarriage as I drove.  I fluctuated between negative crazy thoughts and then reminding myself to stay calm and think positive.  Somehow I made it to the clinic.  I checked in at the radiology department and then just waited.  I ended up going in the bathroom a couple times to check on things and found more spotting, but very minimal.   The cramping was continuing and getting really painful at some times.  I sat in the chair and rocked as I waited. I tried to stay positive and  tried to reassure myself that maybe the worst part was over and the ultrasound would show whether I was still pregnant or not.  I don't know how I did it but I stayed calm and semi-normal in the waiting room.

The ultrasound tech came to get me and talked with me as she walked me to the room.  I told her about the situation and stayed calm still.  I answered her questions.  And then we walked in the room (the same as last time) and I fell apart.  I was crying and sobbing,  It was not pretty.  The ultrasound tech was an older lady and very mothering.  She gave me a hug and kept reassuring me.  She told me she would do an external ultrasound first and had me lay on the bed.  I was crying the whole time.  It was like the flood gates had been opened and they were not stopping until I had cried out every last bit of moisture my body had.  She moved the wand around and did lots of bigger picture mapping before she zoomed in.  I just kept crying.  She had the screen turned toward me so I could watch, so I did and kept crying.  I was able to recognize my uterus and ovaries.  She said the cyst on my right ovary is still there but smaller than what was measured before.  She said that is normal and should continue to shrink as the pregnancy progresses.  This helped calm me and I was finally able to stop crying.  I told her I was still cramping and she said she could tell that I was.  She agreed to go slow to make it less painful for my body and hopefully the cramps would stop.  I appreciate that she did so much to make me comfortable.  It was hard to be there alone but I felt like she was there offering me the reassurance I needed.  She zoomed in and started mapping my uterus next.  She found a really big gestational sac and labeled it.  She did lots of measurements and said it measures at 8 weeks, 6 days,  That was really confusing because I was only 7 weeks, 1 day at this point.  And it had measured really small last week.  I could tell it did not look good.  It did not have the clear lines that it did the week before, and was filled with a glob of weird looking material.  She kept scanning for a heart beat but there was none.  I felt very defeated.  I wanted to cry but felt numb and didn't know what to do.  I just laid there as she took lots of images and kept measuring away, having cramps the whole time.  After she finished measuring, she started to scan back over my uterus.  She found a second gestational sac but it was a lot smaller and hard to see.  She told me we needed to do an internal ultrasound to look at it more closely.  I agreed but I already felt like I had my answer.  She had me empty my bladder in the bathroom next door.  I sat in that bathroom for a long time, not wanting to go back in that room and see more bad news.  But I did.  I did the undressing thing and laid on the bed again.  She came in and started the internal ultrasound,  She found the ugly sac again and did more measurements.  I asked her if there was any hope for it and she told me I would need to talk with my OB about it.  She looked sad and I could tell from her face there wasn't any hope.  I started crying again and begged her to tell me something.  She said she was not sure what it was but it was not viable and would not develop into anything.  She agreed to have the radiologist come in and talk with me.  She then searched for the other sac again.  She found it and I could immediately tell it had some sort of activity going on,  She took a bunch of pics and labeled it baby B.  She did a heartbeat scan and it came back as being active.  I could see the heart beating.  And I started crying,  Hard.  I was so excited.  I wanted to jump off that bed and jump up and down in excitement.  I was ecstatic and emotional at the same time.  She said it seemed viable and was measuring at 6 weeks, 5 days.  Just 3 days behind.  She took a bunch of pics of this one and then went to get the radiologist.  He came in and reviewed the scans she had done.  The probe was still inserted so he did some looking around.  He finally told me that there was a viable pregnancy and everything looked good, but there was also this sac of "abnormal cells" in my uterus.  He hypothesized it could be the embryos that did not work, or something my body created, or something else.  He said that my body is most likely rejecting the cells and that is why I am having the bleeding and cramping.  He said they can see the sac bleeding and believe it is the source.  He told me to follow-up with my OB about suggested I come back the next week for another ultrasound.  He was very nice and I appreciated him being honest and direct with me.  I left feeling like there as a chance.

I called the IM as I was leaving the appt.  I probably should not have.  I was still very emotional and was crying.  I know I freaked her out.  I told her what was going on and that there is a viable sac with a heartbeat for now.  It was unknown whether this other sac would cause a miscarriage or other complications, or what would happen with this other sac.  I agreed to call her after meeting with my OB.

The drive across the street to my OB's office took forever.  And I was not driving well.  Note to self: no driving when emotional and upset.  I know I looked like a crazy person walking in because everyone stayed out of my way, would not get on the elevator with me, and the receptionist knew I was not taking any shit from anyone.  She agreed to get me in right away.  I sat in the waiting room and continued to have cramps.  The spotting seemed to have stopped because I hadn't noticed anymore after the ultrasound.

The meeting with my OB was brief.  She agreed with everything the radiologist had told me.  She reminded me that it will happen if it is meant to be, and it won't if it is not meant to be.  She said I could be on bed rest for the day but said nothing could prevent a miscarriage if it happens.  It is too early for an medications or interventions.  She told me the viable sac was high in the uterus, in a prime location.  She felt the cyst was helping to feed it and the other sac was down lower, near the exit.  She said my body seems to be ridding itself of the other material and not to worry about it.  She also talked about my thyroid being slightly off and needing to up my meds.  I told her I had the cyst and med increase when I was pregnant with Jared.  She pointed out these are all good signs for this pregnancy.  She told me to go home and rest, and eat some chocolate.  I started crying and told her I am not allowed to have chocolate yet.  She laughed and told me to have some anyway, to help lift my spirits.  I left feeling much better but still confused about what the future will bring.  I called the IM to update her and texted the IF.  I know they want definite answers but there aren't any.  The IM asked me to go in for an ultrasound the next week.  I told her my OB wants me to wait two weeks because she feels like the internal ultrasounds are too hard on my body.  She feels like two weeks will give us a definite answer of what will happen.  I personally hate waiting but I also respect my OB and trust that she knows what is best.  My next ultrasound appt is set for this Wed, September 18th.  We will know then whether the pregnancy will last or not.  I will be 9 weeks, 1 day at that point.

I stayed on bed rest that day and the next.  The spotting stopped Wednesday afternoon but the cramping continued until Thursday morning.  TMI warning- I noticed some snotty brown material in my underwear Thursday morning.  I think it was my body just getting rid of the last little bit, and surprisingly I was not freaked out about it.  It did remind me about me about the mucus plug so I did some research about it.  I found out the plug forms around week 7 to 9, so I started to think that maybe my body was preparing to make the plug and had to get rid of this extra stuff before it sealed off everything for the rest of the pregnancy.  The more I thought about it, the more it made sense.  It gave me a huge piece of mind.

The last week and a half have gone by quickly and also crawled at the same time.  I have tried to stay busy and also keep telling myself positive things.  I think it helps me mentally and emotionally to do this.  I have felt more pregnant during this time.  I have started to feel icky during the day.  It's not nausea or morning sickness.  I just feel blah and the thought of food turns me off.  I don't really get hungry very much and most every food sounds disgusting.  I have to force myself to eat and then feel sick afterward.  I have had heartburn a few times but not bad.  I have been craving sugar really bad.  Sugar sounds so good.  Seriously, so good!  I am being careful with my food choices so I have been eating a lot of fruit.  I also noticed that I can stomach soup and not feel sick afterward.  I made a huge batch of Tuscan veggie soup last weekend and ate it all week.  I don't usually like carrots but I was eating them like crazy as I prepped the soup.  I know carrots have a lot of natural sugar so I think that is why they were so good.  I have also started to feel more tired.  I could take a nap every day, and do on some weekend days.  I have also gotten very nesty.  I feel the need to clean and organize everything.  I have started about 4 craft projects and am in this zone to update and freshen the decor in my house.  Even just a new throw pillow seems to make everything better.

I am looking forward to the ultrasound this week and am feeling positive and hopeful.  I have noticed my abdomen is getting harder and swelling a bit.  I can still wear my own clothes (and hopefully will for quite a while) but I can't lay on my stomach anymore.  It feels like a hard armadillo is under me and is really uncomfortable.  I also can't lay on my back because the shot sites on my butt are really hard and sore all the time.  The knots are huge and not going away.  I end up sleeping on my side, hugging a body pillow.  I did a blood test on Wednesday to check my progesterone and estrogen.  If all is well, my last round of estrogen pills and progesterone shot will be tomorrow night.  I know my body is so ready to be done with them and take over on its own.  It seems like my body is rejecting them because it doesn't need them anymore.  It can handle the hormones on its own.  I guess Wednesday will be able to tell everything we are waiting to know.