First, I have not posted and kept up as I have wanted to. I have tons of excuses so just fill in the blank with anything you think sounds reasonable.
Second, I think I have not posted in the past two months (seriously a long time but it has flown by) is because not a whole lot is happening. After the big disappointment of October, I have just been kind of floating along. I started my next period in November. I texted the IPs and contacted the fertility clinic. I didn't hear back from them right away so my impatient self went ahead and applied the patches. I was all geared up to get going again, and had my fingers and toes crossed that it would work this time. When I finally heard back from the clinic, they said they had decided to not do any transfers after Thanksgiving. My period had started just a few days past their cut off date. The lab was closing for the entire holiday season so the next available transfer time is early January 2013. I was surprised to hear this and I think the IM was just as shocked. You would think they would have told us about a two month break a long time ago, so we could anticipate it. Oh well. Not a whole lot we can do now.
So, I am just waiting for my end of December period. My little app says it should start around the 27th or 28th. The clinic said that I can be ready for a transfer by day 16 of my cycle, as long as my lining is thickening like it should. Let's all cross our fingers and toes that it does. And I promise to be better about keeping this blog more updated.
Third (and most important), I wanted to write about the title of this blog post. I was talking to a friend the other day about this adventure and it dawned on me that it has been one year since I made the final decision to do this and put in my application with the surrogacy agency. I have been thinking about doing this for years but I finally decided last December to commit to starting the process. I looked into different agencies and decided I liked the experience my friend had with this particular agency. So, then it was putting in the application, checking on the insurance process, talking with other surros about the pros and cons, and then take the leap. [My new mantra: Leap Fearlessly.]
I have no regrets or fears about the decision I made. It feels so right and I am ready for the next step in this process. When I was talking to my friend, it also dawned on me that this situation has become so common place and normal to me. I get kind of confused when people are taken back about the decision I made and wonder how they don't get it. Then I have to remind myself that I have been living and breathing this for a year already, and they are still new to the idea. Maybe they will catch up to where I am now. :)
The last thing I have to say before I stop for the night (cause I am tired and there is so much more to do before bed- holidays, sheesh) is about the Holidays. It is hard for me to be away from my family during the holidays but I always have my kid and can enjoy the holidays with him. I think this gives me some insight into why some couples chose this process so they can have their own children and family to make their traditions and memories with. Having a kid is the greatest thing I have ever done and I am happy to be able to help someone else do this.
Sorry if this post was random but my brain feels like that today. Happy Holidays to All!!
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Sunday, October 28, 2012
And yet another let down.... in a long line of let downs.
First, I am not happy with myself for not being able to post as much as I would like. This blog is in place for many reasons, one of which is so I can document my experience, thoughts and feelings. It doesn't do me any good if I am not actually writing.
Second, a lot has happened since my last post. It seems that fate has been working against me and not much good has happened. I was continuing along with the plan, with high hopes for a transfer taking place on the 26th. It seemed "perfect" because it was after my kiddo's birthday and my sister's birthday so those major events would be over and I could focus completely on making a baby (or two) stick. I went to my follow-up ultrasound on the 17th with the expectation that my uterus would be ready to go. The doc had already increased me to 6 estrogen patches and added on some estrogen pills, so I was feeling especially estrogen-y. I had my fingers and toes crossed as I waited for them to take me to the ultrasound room. They were really busy that day and so I had to wait for quite a while. It was the worst wait ever. I was so anxious and stressed, and kept repeating a mantra in my head about my uterus being ready. When they finally took me to the room, I was wound up and had to try and relax. The ultrasound tech was my usual girl and she tried to reassure me. She was excited to tell me that my uterine lining had grown to 7.9 to 8.0. She was excited because this is the level they require to proceed forward. I had to explain to her (again) that it is not good enough for my clinic. I left feeling defeated and worried that my uterus being stubborn would put an end to things. I kept crossing my fingers (hard to do when driving, by the way) and hope they would give me another week.
I heard from the nurse at the fertility clinic later that day. My progesterone levels were low and my ovaries were quiet, meaning my body was not planning to ovulate anytime soon and I could continue with the patches for another week. She also said the doctor wanted to increase the "vaginal" estrogen pills to two in the morning and two at night. I was a little confused at first because the pills I had been sent had the instructions of taking the orally. I started to worry that I had been taking them wrong and that is why the lining wasn't responding. I went home and researched on the internet and pulled out the pharmacy slip. Everything I found said to take it orally and nothing talked about taking them vaginally. I texted with the IM and she was confused as well. I was able to talk with my regular nurse the next day and she said that the pills are traditionally taken orally but could also be used vaginally. And they are more potent if used vaginally. So, starting Thursday morning I began taking the pills vaginally. I will spare you the gross details but let's just say that panty liners became my new best friend. I had to carry quite a few with me because blue pills make something similar to what a smurf's sneeze must look like. lol
I also asked the nurse lots of questions about what I was doing wrong and what I could change. She told me to stay away from anything with soy (which I don't eat anyway) and Vitamin C (which I already knew). She also told me to take it easy and not stress so much. I took this as permission (aka doctor's orders) to take a break from work. I took off that Thursday and Friday, and enjoyed a long weekend with the kiddo. He was off school for Fall break so we did lots of fun things for his birthday. It was very relaxing and just what I needed.
The following week (last week) was pretty much the same. Back to a busy schedule at work and home. I was nervous about my follow-up ultrasound for the 24th but had convinced myself that whatever happened was what was meant to be. I was nervous as I drove to the clinic but kept reminding myself that I have done everything asked of me. I was wearing and changing the estrogen patches, inserting the lovely smurf pills twice a day, being careful what I ate and exercising. There was nothing else to do but pray and hope. I didn't have to wait as long this time so I think my anxiety was down. My usual tech did the ultrasound. She was really quiet and turned the screen away at one point. I leaned forward and commented that the lining looked thicker than last week. She said it was the angle and my lining had not grown at all. In fact, it had shrunk and was back to being 7.7 to 7.9. We both were quiet as she took the pictures needed. Inside, I was upset and angry. Upset that I knew it meant that we couldn't proceed forward. Angry at my body for not cooperating. I left feeling dejected. I made it about half way home before I started crying. I am not sure who the tears were for more, me or the Intended Parents. I truly felt like I had let them down and failed them in so many ways. They had worked so hard and gone through so much disappointment to get to where they are now. And it was me stopping them from moving forward. I cried hard for a few minutes and then felt spent. I haven't cried like that in a very long time. I think all the estrogen had something to do with it. I had gained 6 pounds and gained two boob sizes from all the hormones. I blamed them for my tears soo.
After my cry, I got a call from the nurse at the fertility clinic. She said I needed to take off the patches and stop the cycle. My lining is healthy but not thick enough to proceed. I am ashamed to say that I bawled on the phone with her. She kept trying to reassure me that everything was fine and we would try again. I told her my fears and she reassured me that all would be well. She also pointed out the IM took two cycles to see success so maybe I am meant to do the same. This made a lot of sense and gave me a fresh perspective. I stopped my blubbering and promised to take it easy this weekend. To try and refresh myself again.
I texted back and forth with the IM for most of the day. She was very understanding and supportive. It definitely have me pause to realize that this process is all about her and her husband, and yet she was reassuring and comforting me. It gave me a greater insight as to her as a person and also how close we are becoming. It also gave me renewed purpose to see this through and give them the baby (or two) they deserve. I clarified with the fertility clinic that we can use my next period (coming soon) to start over and don't have to skip a month. As the IM pointed out, this only puts our plans off by a couple weeks. This also helped renew my spirits and I stopped feeling so sad. The clinic sent out a prescription for Provera so that I will start a period soon. I used it after the mock cycle and started within a few days. I expect the same will happen now.
Today I feel good. I spent the weekend hanging out with friends and spending time with the kiddo. I relaxed, ate and slept. I haven't been able to lose the 6 pounds I gained (and haven't really tried) but my boobs are less painful and may have gone down a bit. They are still out of control but I accept it. I feel good and am ready to start again. I think my period will start in a day or two and then we can start over. My mock cycle went well so I have high hopes my body will cooperate this time. Here's t hoping for a 10.5 by day 11...... :)
Second, a lot has happened since my last post. It seems that fate has been working against me and not much good has happened. I was continuing along with the plan, with high hopes for a transfer taking place on the 26th. It seemed "perfect" because it was after my kiddo's birthday and my sister's birthday so those major events would be over and I could focus completely on making a baby (or two) stick. I went to my follow-up ultrasound on the 17th with the expectation that my uterus would be ready to go. The doc had already increased me to 6 estrogen patches and added on some estrogen pills, so I was feeling especially estrogen-y. I had my fingers and toes crossed as I waited for them to take me to the ultrasound room. They were really busy that day and so I had to wait for quite a while. It was the worst wait ever. I was so anxious and stressed, and kept repeating a mantra in my head about my uterus being ready. When they finally took me to the room, I was wound up and had to try and relax. The ultrasound tech was my usual girl and she tried to reassure me. She was excited to tell me that my uterine lining had grown to 7.9 to 8.0. She was excited because this is the level they require to proceed forward. I had to explain to her (again) that it is not good enough for my clinic. I left feeling defeated and worried that my uterus being stubborn would put an end to things. I kept crossing my fingers (hard to do when driving, by the way) and hope they would give me another week.
I heard from the nurse at the fertility clinic later that day. My progesterone levels were low and my ovaries were quiet, meaning my body was not planning to ovulate anytime soon and I could continue with the patches for another week. She also said the doctor wanted to increase the "vaginal" estrogen pills to two in the morning and two at night. I was a little confused at first because the pills I had been sent had the instructions of taking the orally. I started to worry that I had been taking them wrong and that is why the lining wasn't responding. I went home and researched on the internet and pulled out the pharmacy slip. Everything I found said to take it orally and nothing talked about taking them vaginally. I texted with the IM and she was confused as well. I was able to talk with my regular nurse the next day and she said that the pills are traditionally taken orally but could also be used vaginally. And they are more potent if used vaginally. So, starting Thursday morning I began taking the pills vaginally. I will spare you the gross details but let's just say that panty liners became my new best friend. I had to carry quite a few with me because blue pills make something similar to what a smurf's sneeze must look like. lol
I also asked the nurse lots of questions about what I was doing wrong and what I could change. She told me to stay away from anything with soy (which I don't eat anyway) and Vitamin C (which I already knew). She also told me to take it easy and not stress so much. I took this as permission (aka doctor's orders) to take a break from work. I took off that Thursday and Friday, and enjoyed a long weekend with the kiddo. He was off school for Fall break so we did lots of fun things for his birthday. It was very relaxing and just what I needed.
The following week (last week) was pretty much the same. Back to a busy schedule at work and home. I was nervous about my follow-up ultrasound for the 24th but had convinced myself that whatever happened was what was meant to be. I was nervous as I drove to the clinic but kept reminding myself that I have done everything asked of me. I was wearing and changing the estrogen patches, inserting the lovely smurf pills twice a day, being careful what I ate and exercising. There was nothing else to do but pray and hope. I didn't have to wait as long this time so I think my anxiety was down. My usual tech did the ultrasound. She was really quiet and turned the screen away at one point. I leaned forward and commented that the lining looked thicker than last week. She said it was the angle and my lining had not grown at all. In fact, it had shrunk and was back to being 7.7 to 7.9. We both were quiet as she took the pictures needed. Inside, I was upset and angry. Upset that I knew it meant that we couldn't proceed forward. Angry at my body for not cooperating. I left feeling dejected. I made it about half way home before I started crying. I am not sure who the tears were for more, me or the Intended Parents. I truly felt like I had let them down and failed them in so many ways. They had worked so hard and gone through so much disappointment to get to where they are now. And it was me stopping them from moving forward. I cried hard for a few minutes and then felt spent. I haven't cried like that in a very long time. I think all the estrogen had something to do with it. I had gained 6 pounds and gained two boob sizes from all the hormones. I blamed them for my tears soo.
After my cry, I got a call from the nurse at the fertility clinic. She said I needed to take off the patches and stop the cycle. My lining is healthy but not thick enough to proceed. I am ashamed to say that I bawled on the phone with her. She kept trying to reassure me that everything was fine and we would try again. I told her my fears and she reassured me that all would be well. She also pointed out the IM took two cycles to see success so maybe I am meant to do the same. This made a lot of sense and gave me a fresh perspective. I stopped my blubbering and promised to take it easy this weekend. To try and refresh myself again.
I texted back and forth with the IM for most of the day. She was very understanding and supportive. It definitely have me pause to realize that this process is all about her and her husband, and yet she was reassuring and comforting me. It gave me a greater insight as to her as a person and also how close we are becoming. It also gave me renewed purpose to see this through and give them the baby (or two) they deserve. I clarified with the fertility clinic that we can use my next period (coming soon) to start over and don't have to skip a month. As the IM pointed out, this only puts our plans off by a couple weeks. This also helped renew my spirits and I stopped feeling so sad. The clinic sent out a prescription for Provera so that I will start a period soon. I used it after the mock cycle and started within a few days. I expect the same will happen now.
Today I feel good. I spent the weekend hanging out with friends and spending time with the kiddo. I relaxed, ate and slept. I haven't been able to lose the 6 pounds I gained (and haven't really tried) but my boobs are less painful and may have gone down a bit. They are still out of control but I accept it. I feel good and am ready to start again. I think my period will start in a day or two and then we can start over. My mock cycle went well so I have high hopes my body will cooperate this time. Here's t hoping for a 10.5 by day 11...... :)
Thursday, October 11, 2012
My Pissy Ranting.
Ok. Pissy ranting warning. I was super excited and then all my hopes and dreams were dashed. Not really all my hopes and dreams but it kinda feels like it. It just sucks when you have something planned out so well and then "someone" (AKA the doc) puts a stop to those plans. I know it is for a good reason but that doesn't make it feel any better. But let me explain since my last post:
I haven't posted in a long time because nothing was really happening. After the majority of the embryos did not survive there wasn't much for me to do. Just continue on with life as usual and wait for the call that things were progressing. It kind of felt like I was in a holding pattern. The IM (intended mom) started a new round of meds to prepare for another extraction, and from what I understand it has gone pretty well. She has still been feeling sick and tired, but I think this round has gone better and will produce better results. Her follicle extraction is actually scheduled for tomorrow. Cross your fingers that she has lots of healthy, juicy eggs that are so ready to be impregnated!
Me, I have just been going about my business. Nothing too exciting; dieting, exercising, getting the body ready. I was able to give up caffeine completely. I felt like I was going to die some days but it actually was pretty easy and I feel good now. I still crave a nice hot cup of coffee every now and then, especially with these cold mornings we have been getting. (I love Fall!) I also printed off the food limitation list and have it hanging at home. I figured I might as well get used to the restrictions before the transfer so it wouldn't be so hard after the transfer. I was worried but it has been a lot easier than I thought. I don't really care about the no fast food or most of the other stuff. My hardest part will be not being able to have nuts that third trimester. I love nuts. Maybe I am part squirell or was a squirrel in my past life.... Anyway, nothing too crazy happening. I lost a few pounds from this dieting and exercising, and was really loving that. While all this was going on, I was hoping for an October transfer date just because I was this thing to happen already and October is such a great month. For a while I worried it would be more like November or even December.
Then I heard from the IM a few weeks ago that she wanted to try for the transfer this month. I was so excited!! October is a magical month and it made me think "this is it, this is the perfect time." She talked to me just a few days before my period was due to start so it was perfect timing. Of course my period did not show up when it was supposed to, but it started on the 1st. Which I like because it is much easier to track my days. :) October 1st became "patch day" and I put on those good old patches and away we went. I started with the 4 patches but after a few days the doc moved me up to 6. I haven't really noticed a big difference; I feel about the same as last time. I go through these weird moods of wanting clean and organize everything (my "nesting phase"), then I want to cry over every little thing like commercials or seeing moms with new babies but it's weird because I don't cry about things I should really cry about (my "whiny baby phase") and then I get these weird mood swings of wanting to either run a marathon while carrying an elephant or start boxing it out with someone. I haven't noticed that I am bitchier than usual and no one has made any comments about me being weird so I guess I am only showing symptoms on the inside. I actually like the energy the estrogen patches give me and don't mind taking them.
The new plan became that I would travel out there and do a transfer on the 25th or 26th. Which I love because my sister's bday is the 25th. This transfer would be a frozen one and they could see how many ebryos decide to still around this time. And it is around a weekend so that makes it easier for everyone involved to take some time off.
Then I get a call from the fertility clinic Tuesday night (just a couple days ago). I guess the Doc was looking at the calendar and realized that we were very close to being able to do a fresh transfer. That meant the transfer date was pushed up to the 16th. I will admit I was kind of in shock when they said that. I started panicking, like am I ready to be knocked up already? Shouldn't be take some time? The shocked feeling only lasted a few minutes and then I was super excited. Like jump up and down and make squealing noises excited! It became very real and I was completely in to making this happen. It came down to how my lining would look for my ultrasound on Wednesday. I didn't even think that would be an issue because I feel like my insides are one thick lining. I started crossing my fingers that it would be the much needed 8.0.
So, Wednesday (yesterday) came and I went to my ultrasound appt. The tech was asking a bunch of questions and seemed really confused about how we could just change plans. I don't know what she was bugging about cause it has nothing to do with them. Anyway, she gave me the news that my lining was measuring 7.6 to 7.9. For the Utah clinic that is the sign to go ahead. I left a message for the Cali clinic that it was lower than expected but still was hopeful they would say to go ahead.
Now the reason for my disappointment: I got a call back from the Cali clinic that the Doc wants my lining to be bigger (like close to 9) before I start the progesterone shots. So, we are back to the original plan of doing a frozen transfer on the 26th. I was really disappointed at first. I felt like things were happening and we were moving forward and it was going to be so soon, and then my stupid uterus goes and messes it all up. :( I was frustrated, pissy and kinda sad. I felt like it was my fault that we couldn't move foward next week.
But I thought about it last night and finally came to the conclusion that the 26th is the better day. The 16th was rushing it and I don't know that I was ready. I was also stressing about being gone for my kiddo's bday. I feel like I should at least be home with him and then celebrate it next weekend, as we planned. And it gives me more time to get my cases at work settled and ready to do without me for a few days.
So, I was super disappointed and pissy but I feel much better now. It was meant to happen on the 26th and I am okay with that. And I plan to blame the estrogen for the pissy moment. :)
I haven't posted in a long time because nothing was really happening. After the majority of the embryos did not survive there wasn't much for me to do. Just continue on with life as usual and wait for the call that things were progressing. It kind of felt like I was in a holding pattern. The IM (intended mom) started a new round of meds to prepare for another extraction, and from what I understand it has gone pretty well. She has still been feeling sick and tired, but I think this round has gone better and will produce better results. Her follicle extraction is actually scheduled for tomorrow. Cross your fingers that she has lots of healthy, juicy eggs that are so ready to be impregnated!
Me, I have just been going about my business. Nothing too exciting; dieting, exercising, getting the body ready. I was able to give up caffeine completely. I felt like I was going to die some days but it actually was pretty easy and I feel good now. I still crave a nice hot cup of coffee every now and then, especially with these cold mornings we have been getting. (I love Fall!) I also printed off the food limitation list and have it hanging at home. I figured I might as well get used to the restrictions before the transfer so it wouldn't be so hard after the transfer. I was worried but it has been a lot easier than I thought. I don't really care about the no fast food or most of the other stuff. My hardest part will be not being able to have nuts that third trimester. I love nuts. Maybe I am part squirell or was a squirrel in my past life.... Anyway, nothing too crazy happening. I lost a few pounds from this dieting and exercising, and was really loving that. While all this was going on, I was hoping for an October transfer date just because I was this thing to happen already and October is such a great month. For a while I worried it would be more like November or even December.
Then I heard from the IM a few weeks ago that she wanted to try for the transfer this month. I was so excited!! October is a magical month and it made me think "this is it, this is the perfect time." She talked to me just a few days before my period was due to start so it was perfect timing. Of course my period did not show up when it was supposed to, but it started on the 1st. Which I like because it is much easier to track my days. :) October 1st became "patch day" and I put on those good old patches and away we went. I started with the 4 patches but after a few days the doc moved me up to 6. I haven't really noticed a big difference; I feel about the same as last time. I go through these weird moods of wanting clean and organize everything (my "nesting phase"), then I want to cry over every little thing like commercials or seeing moms with new babies but it's weird because I don't cry about things I should really cry about (my "whiny baby phase") and then I get these weird mood swings of wanting to either run a marathon while carrying an elephant or start boxing it out with someone. I haven't noticed that I am bitchier than usual and no one has made any comments about me being weird so I guess I am only showing symptoms on the inside. I actually like the energy the estrogen patches give me and don't mind taking them.
The new plan became that I would travel out there and do a transfer on the 25th or 26th. Which I love because my sister's bday is the 25th. This transfer would be a frozen one and they could see how many ebryos decide to still around this time. And it is around a weekend so that makes it easier for everyone involved to take some time off.
Then I get a call from the fertility clinic Tuesday night (just a couple days ago). I guess the Doc was looking at the calendar and realized that we were very close to being able to do a fresh transfer. That meant the transfer date was pushed up to the 16th. I will admit I was kind of in shock when they said that. I started panicking, like am I ready to be knocked up already? Shouldn't be take some time? The shocked feeling only lasted a few minutes and then I was super excited. Like jump up and down and make squealing noises excited! It became very real and I was completely in to making this happen. It came down to how my lining would look for my ultrasound on Wednesday. I didn't even think that would be an issue because I feel like my insides are one thick lining. I started crossing my fingers that it would be the much needed 8.0.
So, Wednesday (yesterday) came and I went to my ultrasound appt. The tech was asking a bunch of questions and seemed really confused about how we could just change plans. I don't know what she was bugging about cause it has nothing to do with them. Anyway, she gave me the news that my lining was measuring 7.6 to 7.9. For the Utah clinic that is the sign to go ahead. I left a message for the Cali clinic that it was lower than expected but still was hopeful they would say to go ahead.
Now the reason for my disappointment: I got a call back from the Cali clinic that the Doc wants my lining to be bigger (like close to 9) before I start the progesterone shots. So, we are back to the original plan of doing a frozen transfer on the 26th. I was really disappointed at first. I felt like things were happening and we were moving forward and it was going to be so soon, and then my stupid uterus goes and messes it all up. :( I was frustrated, pissy and kinda sad. I felt like it was my fault that we couldn't move foward next week.
But I thought about it last night and finally came to the conclusion that the 26th is the better day. The 16th was rushing it and I don't know that I was ready. I was also stressing about being gone for my kiddo's bday. I feel like I should at least be home with him and then celebrate it next weekend, as we planned. And it gives me more time to get my cases at work settled and ready to do without me for a few days.
So, I was super disappointed and pissy but I feel much better now. It was meant to happen on the 26th and I am okay with that. And I plan to blame the estrogen for the pissy moment. :)
Monday, August 27, 2012
Happy Monday!
The past week has flown by and it was a great week. I got so much done at work and home, it feels like last week was a major success. It also makes me feel like I am successful when things go well and I get lots of stuff done. I like having both myself and the situation be a success! Like the universe and I are in sinc with each other.
There is not much to report on the surro front. We are just waiting for the Intended Mommy to start ovulating so she can start on her meds and plan for the next follicle extraction. Pretty much doing the waiting game. Everyone please be sure to send your prayers and positive thoughts to her ovaries. Especially from the readers in other countries. It just seems like extra special luck to have strangers pulling for you. ;)
The contract is just about done. All the revisions have been sent in. We are just waiting for the attorney to make the changes and then arrange for the signatures. I have been seeing other surros struggle with their contracts and getting them finalized. Most of them have at least 3 drafts but some have gone through 5 to 7+. I am grateful that I am working with some very reasonable Intended Parents, and I also want to be reasonable with them. It would be easy to nitpick and argue every little detail, but I keep in mind that this is their baby and they get to have some say into what I put into and do with my body. I made the decision to basically rent out my womb so I knew there would be special considerations. I think some surros are too hung up on the idea that it is their body and they want to fight everything. I am fine with the things that I have been asked of me and almost am glad cause it forces me to be healthy. I have also found that my level of education and being in the social work/therapy field has opened my mind to considering new ideas and considering the thoughts and needs of others. I know that I am more willing to work things out and keep in mind the needs and wants of the IPs while working all the details out. I also believe that I have been matched with the family that is perfect for me, and I am perfect for them. That helps a lot.
With the considerations in mind, I started my new diet this week. Technically speaking I don't have to until I am pregnant but I figure I might as well start now and get used to it. I had my last McDonalds cheeseburger on Friday and said my farewell to fast food. I will miss that delicious flavor that can only be had at a greasy fast food place but know that I can make my own at home whenever I want. I also know it will be more healthy. I went grocery shopping on Saturday and only bought healthy food and snacks, the ones allowed on the diet. I also bought organic fruit and lucked out that the local grocery had marked everthing down to move it fast. I did tons of cooking yesterday so my meals are basically ready for the week and just need to be heated up or finished. I also brought healthy snacks to work so I am less tempted to run to 7-11 for a naughty snack. I stepped up my exercise game and am speed walking/jogging almost every day. My neighbor wants to tone up for her wedding in a few weeks so we are motivating each other. We take a spin around the neighborhood in the evenings and do about 2 to 2.5 miles a day. And I have been cheating on her and venturing out on my own a few extra times. I am excited about how it is making me feel and hope it also helps me lose some weight before the meds and drastic weight gain happens in October.
On a personal note:
The first week (3 whole days) of 5th grade went well. He did not want to start school but has now decided he likes his class and teacher. He is still on this trip about being a big kid and doing things for himself. I am happy to support it but kinda question how long he will keep it up. Who knows. But it is fun to watch him get older and more wise everyday.
Everything else in the personal life is about the same. Still working, playing Mom, keeping busy, etc. Nothing has changed or appears about to change. And I like it. Lets me know what to expect every day. :)
There is not much to report on the surro front. We are just waiting for the Intended Mommy to start ovulating so she can start on her meds and plan for the next follicle extraction. Pretty much doing the waiting game. Everyone please be sure to send your prayers and positive thoughts to her ovaries. Especially from the readers in other countries. It just seems like extra special luck to have strangers pulling for you. ;)
The contract is just about done. All the revisions have been sent in. We are just waiting for the attorney to make the changes and then arrange for the signatures. I have been seeing other surros struggle with their contracts and getting them finalized. Most of them have at least 3 drafts but some have gone through 5 to 7+. I am grateful that I am working with some very reasonable Intended Parents, and I also want to be reasonable with them. It would be easy to nitpick and argue every little detail, but I keep in mind that this is their baby and they get to have some say into what I put into and do with my body. I made the decision to basically rent out my womb so I knew there would be special considerations. I think some surros are too hung up on the idea that it is their body and they want to fight everything. I am fine with the things that I have been asked of me and almost am glad cause it forces me to be healthy. I have also found that my level of education and being in the social work/therapy field has opened my mind to considering new ideas and considering the thoughts and needs of others. I know that I am more willing to work things out and keep in mind the needs and wants of the IPs while working all the details out. I also believe that I have been matched with the family that is perfect for me, and I am perfect for them. That helps a lot.
With the considerations in mind, I started my new diet this week. Technically speaking I don't have to until I am pregnant but I figure I might as well start now and get used to it. I had my last McDonalds cheeseburger on Friday and said my farewell to fast food. I will miss that delicious flavor that can only be had at a greasy fast food place but know that I can make my own at home whenever I want. I also know it will be more healthy. I went grocery shopping on Saturday and only bought healthy food and snacks, the ones allowed on the diet. I also bought organic fruit and lucked out that the local grocery had marked everthing down to move it fast. I did tons of cooking yesterday so my meals are basically ready for the week and just need to be heated up or finished. I also brought healthy snacks to work so I am less tempted to run to 7-11 for a naughty snack. I stepped up my exercise game and am speed walking/jogging almost every day. My neighbor wants to tone up for her wedding in a few weeks so we are motivating each other. We take a spin around the neighborhood in the evenings and do about 2 to 2.5 miles a day. And I have been cheating on her and venturing out on my own a few extra times. I am excited about how it is making me feel and hope it also helps me lose some weight before the meds and drastic weight gain happens in October.
On a personal note:
The first week (3 whole days) of 5th grade went well. He did not want to start school but has now decided he likes his class and teacher. He is still on this trip about being a big kid and doing things for himself. I am happy to support it but kinda question how long he will keep it up. Who knows. But it is fun to watch him get older and more wise everyday.
Everything else in the personal life is about the same. Still working, playing Mom, keeping busy, etc. Nothing has changed or appears about to change. And I like it. Lets me know what to expect every day. :)
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
A Mommy Moment
I keep forgetting that this blog is not only about my experience with the surrogacy but is also about my crazy and chaotic life. My way of documenting my own experiences and how everything that happens impacts me and those around me. So today's post is a tribute to my kiddo and the mommy moments I have.
Today was the 1st day of school. 5th grade. That seems like the big times to me. No more little kid assignments, homework, reading, etc. We have moved on to book reports, writing papers, major math stuff, big chapter books and big kid expectations. No more clinging to mom and acting goofy. He wants to be "grown up" and not be embarrassed. I think he was insinuating I am embarrassing but I blame him for the stuff he does to himself. Like singing and dancing in the halls at Back-to-School night last night. Anway, the morning went well and there were no tears by either of us. And I did not do anything embarassing. I was limited to only 5 photos and I stayed within my limit (that he knows of). I was allowed to walk in and help him put the heavy backpack on his desk and then had to quietly leave. I followed the rules and even got a quick kiss in before heading to the lunch room to pay for lunches. I was worried that I would be the only parent in the classroom but noticed several others shuffling in the room or waiting at the door. It was funny to see the other parents that walked their kids in and realize that we are all trying to hold on to the tiny bits of childhood that our kids have left. One mom was teary eyed and I was proud I overcame and avoided any tears. But it is sad to realize they grow up so fast and need us less and less. Within the next year or two, he won't want me to walk in with him or even step foot onto the school grounds. I plan to enjoy whatever I can from this year!
The summer was a blast but went by too quickly. We got some good pool days in, spent time with my parents when they came out to visit, were lazy around the house and stayed up late almost every night. The kiddo did some biking while I walked (sometimes with the dog and sometimes without). We watched movies, played video games and board games, and did lots of talking. The kiddo decided over the summer that it is time for him to learn to drive and figure out directions. I caught him sitting in the driver seat of the car a few times. Luckily he did not have keys or try to start it, but was looking at all the buttons and knobs and asking what each thing does. I helped him start and turn off the car a few times, and let him try the pedals a bit. Whenever we went anywhere, he wanted to know directions and landmarks so he can find his way around when he is driving. I reassured him that we still have about 5 years before that happens, but he is insistent he knows about it now. I thought it was cute, something a little kid would do, but now I am realizing that this is part of him growing up. He is not just mimicing, but wanting to learn so he can do it on his own one day. Like being able to get his own dishes and snacks out, putting things away after himself, and not needing supervision when he is doing hygiene stuff. It makes me sad that he doesn't need me as much but also so exciting to watch him grow into a little man that can take care of himself. ~sigh~ The woes of being a parent and reaching the point that you are parenting a mini-adult instead of a child. It went by way too fast. I don't have any regrets about the past but definitely am making a list of things I want to do with him before he is an adult and moves out. Sort of like a bucket list of things he and I can do together. I have been asking him and his ideas are pretty lofty but I will put them on the list anyway. Maybe I will post the list on here once it is done. :)
Today was the 1st day of school. 5th grade. That seems like the big times to me. No more little kid assignments, homework, reading, etc. We have moved on to book reports, writing papers, major math stuff, big chapter books and big kid expectations. No more clinging to mom and acting goofy. He wants to be "grown up" and not be embarrassed. I think he was insinuating I am embarrassing but I blame him for the stuff he does to himself. Like singing and dancing in the halls at Back-to-School night last night. Anway, the morning went well and there were no tears by either of us. And I did not do anything embarassing. I was limited to only 5 photos and I stayed within my limit (that he knows of). I was allowed to walk in and help him put the heavy backpack on his desk and then had to quietly leave. I followed the rules and even got a quick kiss in before heading to the lunch room to pay for lunches. I was worried that I would be the only parent in the classroom but noticed several others shuffling in the room or waiting at the door. It was funny to see the other parents that walked their kids in and realize that we are all trying to hold on to the tiny bits of childhood that our kids have left. One mom was teary eyed and I was proud I overcame and avoided any tears. But it is sad to realize they grow up so fast and need us less and less. Within the next year or two, he won't want me to walk in with him or even step foot onto the school grounds. I plan to enjoy whatever I can from this year!
The summer was a blast but went by too quickly. We got some good pool days in, spent time with my parents when they came out to visit, were lazy around the house and stayed up late almost every night. The kiddo did some biking while I walked (sometimes with the dog and sometimes without). We watched movies, played video games and board games, and did lots of talking. The kiddo decided over the summer that it is time for him to learn to drive and figure out directions. I caught him sitting in the driver seat of the car a few times. Luckily he did not have keys or try to start it, but was looking at all the buttons and knobs and asking what each thing does. I helped him start and turn off the car a few times, and let him try the pedals a bit. Whenever we went anywhere, he wanted to know directions and landmarks so he can find his way around when he is driving. I reassured him that we still have about 5 years before that happens, but he is insistent he knows about it now. I thought it was cute, something a little kid would do, but now I am realizing that this is part of him growing up. He is not just mimicing, but wanting to learn so he can do it on his own one day. Like being able to get his own dishes and snacks out, putting things away after himself, and not needing supervision when he is doing hygiene stuff. It makes me sad that he doesn't need me as much but also so exciting to watch him grow into a little man that can take care of himself. ~sigh~ The woes of being a parent and reaching the point that you are parenting a mini-adult instead of a child. It went by way too fast. I don't have any regrets about the past but definitely am making a list of things I want to do with him before he is an adult and moves out. Sort of like a bucket list of things he and I can do together. I have been asking him and his ideas are pretty lofty but I will put them on the list anyway. Maybe I will post the list on here once it is done. :)
Thursday, August 16, 2012
BTW- we are International
I don't know who or how but I have followers from Russia, Germany, United Kingdom, etc. Welcome!! I am excited to see you here. :)
Oh, how the weeks fly by......
It is not that I am forgetting or slacking off, but rather that the past couple of weeks have been so busy. I know that is not an excuse so I will try to be more dedicated. And I am hoping that things slow down a bit so I have more time for the things I enjoy, like Facebook and blogging. Work, whew.
Since we spoke last (giggle, giggle- you don't speak back and are stuck listening to my ramblings), a couple things have happened but I warn you they are not happy things. Close this out if you can't bear sad news. :(
Everything in the process was going well. The IM went in for her follicle extraction and they were able to extract a good handful of eggs. They then did the fertilization and ended up with 5 embryos in various stages of rating. The IPs and I were very hopeful, and I think I was a bit naive to expect that if 5 fertilized then 5 would be available for transfer. I wasn't really thinking that maybe the 5 wouldn't survive. Anyway, the embryos continued to day 3 and were still around. The decision was made to keep them growing so they were taken to 5 days. On day 5, only one had survived and it was rated as "fair". By then my period had started so I had happily applied the patches and started my part of the journey. I made calls, texted and updated those that are in the need to know group. (And weird that I was looking forward to another period. ick). On day 2 of my cycle, the decision was made by the IPs and fertility doc to stop the process and do another follicle extraction. I know it was not an easy decision to make for anyone involved. I will admit that I was heartbroken and disappointed. I think I had just gotten too excited for everything to happen and should have realized it was all working out too well. I can only imagine how hard it was on the IPs because this is their baby and future.
Now that I have had time to reflect, I know that it was the right decision. It would have been foolish to go forward with a transfer with only one embryo. The numbers and odds are just against it. I think it will work out better to do another cycle and get more and maybe even better embryos. If that doesn't work, then we can fall back on the one embryo that is currently frozen. Those are my thoughts.
Since that decision, I obviously stopped the patches and have now finished my period. It was another yucky and long one, so I am looking forward to being pregnant and not needing to worry about it. I also found that doing the estrogen patches for three days and abruptly stopping was a weird experience. I couldn't decide if I wanted to cry sometimes or just zone out a bit. It is a very weird feeling, like being stuck in a twisted emotional limbo.
Now I am just waiting for another period or two to start my part of the journey. That gives the IM plenty of time to get her testing and meds done, and have the follicle extraction go well. Then they can create the babies and look at the numbers and quality before I have to start meds again. I know that this time it will work out better and we will be set to go by October. Which is great because October is my favorite month. :)
Since we spoke last (giggle, giggle- you don't speak back and are stuck listening to my ramblings), a couple things have happened but I warn you they are not happy things. Close this out if you can't bear sad news. :(
Everything in the process was going well. The IM went in for her follicle extraction and they were able to extract a good handful of eggs. They then did the fertilization and ended up with 5 embryos in various stages of rating. The IPs and I were very hopeful, and I think I was a bit naive to expect that if 5 fertilized then 5 would be available for transfer. I wasn't really thinking that maybe the 5 wouldn't survive. Anyway, the embryos continued to day 3 and were still around. The decision was made to keep them growing so they were taken to 5 days. On day 5, only one had survived and it was rated as "fair". By then my period had started so I had happily applied the patches and started my part of the journey. I made calls, texted and updated those that are in the need to know group. (And weird that I was looking forward to another period. ick). On day 2 of my cycle, the decision was made by the IPs and fertility doc to stop the process and do another follicle extraction. I know it was not an easy decision to make for anyone involved. I will admit that I was heartbroken and disappointed. I think I had just gotten too excited for everything to happen and should have realized it was all working out too well. I can only imagine how hard it was on the IPs because this is their baby and future.
Now that I have had time to reflect, I know that it was the right decision. It would have been foolish to go forward with a transfer with only one embryo. The numbers and odds are just against it. I think it will work out better to do another cycle and get more and maybe even better embryos. If that doesn't work, then we can fall back on the one embryo that is currently frozen. Those are my thoughts.
Since that decision, I obviously stopped the patches and have now finished my period. It was another yucky and long one, so I am looking forward to being pregnant and not needing to worry about it. I also found that doing the estrogen patches for three days and abruptly stopping was a weird experience. I couldn't decide if I wanted to cry sometimes or just zone out a bit. It is a very weird feeling, like being stuck in a twisted emotional limbo.
Now I am just waiting for another period or two to start my part of the journey. That gives the IM plenty of time to get her testing and meds done, and have the follicle extraction go well. Then they can create the babies and look at the numbers and quality before I have to start meds again. I know that this time it will work out better and we will be set to go by October. Which is great because October is my favorite month. :)
Monday, July 30, 2012
Only a day late!
Okay, so my excuse for not posting last night is that I was tired and PMSing. A lame excuse I know, but it is all I have.
There is lots of good news to update about today. I found out on Saturday that the IPs (intended parents) had a successful follicle extraction and fertilization on Friday. They ended up with 4 healthy embryos and a couple other possibles. The next step is to let them grow to day 3 (today) and see what happens. The news today is they actually have 3 great embryos, one fair and one poor. The plan is to let them all grow to day 5 and then see what looks the best for the transfer. So, crossing our fingers for Wednesday. I would like all 5 to be great because we will need two for the transfer and it would be nice if they can save the other 3 for any future needs. I am so positive and optimistic that things will happen with the first transfer. I know I can't make promises and shouldn't get hopes up, but it just seems that it will happen and that thought feel so right inside me, it is hard to imagine it would be any other way.
The original transfer day for early August has been put off to the end of the month or early September because the family needed to get some additional insurance in place to help with the costs. I was disappointed at first but feel it was for a good reason. I think there are other forces at work out there that knew June and July have not been the most successful months. August and Sept will be fresh and new, with baby-making happening all over the place. :)
The other good news is that the period is close. The app on my phone says it won't start until August 7th but I was cramping on Saturday, devouring every carb within a 50 mile radius yesterday, and I had some light spotting this morning. (Of course that happened on the day I dared to wear white.) Last month I had spotting for two days and then had a heavy period. I am hoping this month is the same. I spoke with the fertility clinic and they gave me the go-ahead to start the estrogen patches as soon as the period is a normal flow. And that will be day 1. Then we can schedule the transfer and know when everything is going to happen. It is getting so close!!
And now I better get back to reviewing the contract (yes, the first draft is done!). It is long and going to require a lot of focus.
P.S. I am now caffeine free. The gradual withdrawal took a while but it has been 4 days since my last drink. I am tired but it feels good to not have caffeine in my system. I am now having a wonderful love affair with water and Crystal Lite. ;) I am also taking the prenatal and daily dose of aspirin so I will have the full 30 days they recommend before the transfer. I got this in the bag!
There is lots of good news to update about today. I found out on Saturday that the IPs (intended parents) had a successful follicle extraction and fertilization on Friday. They ended up with 4 healthy embryos and a couple other possibles. The next step is to let them grow to day 3 (today) and see what happens. The news today is they actually have 3 great embryos, one fair and one poor. The plan is to let them all grow to day 5 and then see what looks the best for the transfer. So, crossing our fingers for Wednesday. I would like all 5 to be great because we will need two for the transfer and it would be nice if they can save the other 3 for any future needs. I am so positive and optimistic that things will happen with the first transfer. I know I can't make promises and shouldn't get hopes up, but it just seems that it will happen and that thought feel so right inside me, it is hard to imagine it would be any other way.
The original transfer day for early August has been put off to the end of the month or early September because the family needed to get some additional insurance in place to help with the costs. I was disappointed at first but feel it was for a good reason. I think there are other forces at work out there that knew June and July have not been the most successful months. August and Sept will be fresh and new, with baby-making happening all over the place. :)
The other good news is that the period is close. The app on my phone says it won't start until August 7th but I was cramping on Saturday, devouring every carb within a 50 mile radius yesterday, and I had some light spotting this morning. (Of course that happened on the day I dared to wear white.) Last month I had spotting for two days and then had a heavy period. I am hoping this month is the same. I spoke with the fertility clinic and they gave me the go-ahead to start the estrogen patches as soon as the period is a normal flow. And that will be day 1. Then we can schedule the transfer and know when everything is going to happen. It is getting so close!!
And now I better get back to reviewing the contract (yes, the first draft is done!). It is long and going to require a lot of focus.
P.S. I am now caffeine free. The gradual withdrawal took a while but it has been 4 days since my last drink. I am tired but it feels good to not have caffeine in my system. I am now having a wonderful love affair with water and Crystal Lite. ;) I am also taking the prenatal and daily dose of aspirin so I will have the full 30 days they recommend before the transfer. I got this in the bag!
The post I didn't get a chance to do on July 22nd- my view on Family.
I have an excellent reason for missing my post on July 22nd. My parents came into town for a visit and I was having such a great time spending time with them and didn't feel like posting anything. But the visit gave me a ton to think about and has led to my topic for this week. Family. The older I get, the more I seem to appreciate mine. I had a chance to talk with my mom about the good ole days and some memories from my childhood. I can't remember everything but I do remember quite a bit; both positive and negative. And when I look back on these memories, I don't regret any of them or wish I could go back and change anything. I think I am who I am because of everything I experienced and went through in my childhood. And I like to think I turned out pretty darn good. :)
The visit went well. I am realizing my parents are getting older and are not quite as fast and durable as they used to be. We did some fun things but also spent some time just hanging out and talking. I enjoy seeing them and it never seems to happen often enough. It would be nice to be able to move back to Wisconsin and be around all my family all the time, but that miracle will have to wait for the future. It was sad when they left but I didn't cry this time. The visit was so positive and great, that I was still on a natural high when they left and didn't feel like crying. That may change when the hormones start pumping again in a few weeks.
The best part about the visit was being able to talk with my mom about this journey, face to face. I have sensed she has been hesitant and unsure about what everything means. We have had several long conversations over the phone but they are not the same as talking in person and seeing the person's expressions and body language. I was able to get a better sense of what my mom is thinking about this and feel relieved that she seems on board and curious about everything. I think she is nervous to ask questions because she doesn't want to pry but I am pretty open with almost everyone about what is happening and my thoughts. I am hoping she realizes this as time goes on and feels more comfortable with asking what ever her heart needs to know. I do feel like I have her blessing now. That may seem weird but I will admit that I am 35 years old and still care what my mother thinks about me and the choices in my life. She did tell me several times that she is proud of me and the mother I am to my child. It felt so good to hear those words because I know she doesn't use them lightly. I still feel like I am on cloud 9 to hear my mom say she is proud of me. She should feel proud also because she helped make me into the person I am today.
I also got brave in the past week and told a couple more family members about my plans. They were very accepting and not at all judgemental. It was a relief to be able to tell them and not feel they were judging or critical about it. I love that my family has been raised to be supportive and accepting of a variety of things. It may go back to those dinner table conversations about topics I am sure my mother does not want me to post about. (i.e. hermaphrodites).
Anyway, I have been thinking a lot about family and what it means to me. I think it is best described as a group of people who are thrown together through the most random process and forced to learn how to live together. But unlike roommates or living abroad, family means you can't just move out or move on to something else if things get tough or boring. You are 'forced' to work through things and keep making it work. It also means you enjoy each other and the time you have because you never know how much time you will get. I know that my family went through so much of this, especially because my parents wanted to populate the earth on their own (7 kids!) but we still all love and support each other despite the hard times. I know that I cherish every memory I have of my childhod and can still find positives about all my siblings, even when the things they do in life annoy me. I think I am lucky to have the family that I got and hope they know that. Our dysfunction is our function! (Mom- That should be the theme for the family reunion next year.)
I feel good about undergoing this process because it means that I am helping to create a family that might otherwise not have that chance. My good friend (who is also a surro) pointed out that being a surro provides a set of parents with a child, but it also provides a grandchild, a niece/nephew, a cousin, a sibling, a future mate for another person. When I thought about that, it really hit home how huge this whole thing is. And it also felt so right. It seems that things seem more real and perfect as time goes on and I am not nervous or hesitant at all. Everything is pointing toward this happening and needing to happen. This is my current calling in life; to help create a family.
The rest of the week was fairly uneventful. I had my 35th birthday on the 18th. I like to remind people I am now half way to 70 (lol) but I actually feel really good physically and emotionally. I accept who I am and like who I am. I am comfortable with my life. I think this means I have officially (finally) grown up.
The rest is just the usual waiting game. Waiting for paperwork to get done, waiting for the contract, waiting for the period to show up, waiting for the bbay peanuts to be ready, etc. Hopefully I will have positive updates for the next post. Stay tuned.....
The visit went well. I am realizing my parents are getting older and are not quite as fast and durable as they used to be. We did some fun things but also spent some time just hanging out and talking. I enjoy seeing them and it never seems to happen often enough. It would be nice to be able to move back to Wisconsin and be around all my family all the time, but that miracle will have to wait for the future. It was sad when they left but I didn't cry this time. The visit was so positive and great, that I was still on a natural high when they left and didn't feel like crying. That may change when the hormones start pumping again in a few weeks.
The best part about the visit was being able to talk with my mom about this journey, face to face. I have sensed she has been hesitant and unsure about what everything means. We have had several long conversations over the phone but they are not the same as talking in person and seeing the person's expressions and body language. I was able to get a better sense of what my mom is thinking about this and feel relieved that she seems on board and curious about everything. I think she is nervous to ask questions because she doesn't want to pry but I am pretty open with almost everyone about what is happening and my thoughts. I am hoping she realizes this as time goes on and feels more comfortable with asking what ever her heart needs to know. I do feel like I have her blessing now. That may seem weird but I will admit that I am 35 years old and still care what my mother thinks about me and the choices in my life. She did tell me several times that she is proud of me and the mother I am to my child. It felt so good to hear those words because I know she doesn't use them lightly. I still feel like I am on cloud 9 to hear my mom say she is proud of me. She should feel proud also because she helped make me into the person I am today.
I also got brave in the past week and told a couple more family members about my plans. They were very accepting and not at all judgemental. It was a relief to be able to tell them and not feel they were judging or critical about it. I love that my family has been raised to be supportive and accepting of a variety of things. It may go back to those dinner table conversations about topics I am sure my mother does not want me to post about. (i.e. hermaphrodites).
Anyway, I have been thinking a lot about family and what it means to me. I think it is best described as a group of people who are thrown together through the most random process and forced to learn how to live together. But unlike roommates or living abroad, family means you can't just move out or move on to something else if things get tough or boring. You are 'forced' to work through things and keep making it work. It also means you enjoy each other and the time you have because you never know how much time you will get. I know that my family went through so much of this, especially because my parents wanted to populate the earth on their own (7 kids!) but we still all love and support each other despite the hard times. I know that I cherish every memory I have of my childhod and can still find positives about all my siblings, even when the things they do in life annoy me. I think I am lucky to have the family that I got and hope they know that. Our dysfunction is our function! (Mom- That should be the theme for the family reunion next year.)
I feel good about undergoing this process because it means that I am helping to create a family that might otherwise not have that chance. My good friend (who is also a surro) pointed out that being a surro provides a set of parents with a child, but it also provides a grandchild, a niece/nephew, a cousin, a sibling, a future mate for another person. When I thought about that, it really hit home how huge this whole thing is. And it also felt so right. It seems that things seem more real and perfect as time goes on and I am not nervous or hesitant at all. Everything is pointing toward this happening and needing to happen. This is my current calling in life; to help create a family.
The rest of the week was fairly uneventful. I had my 35th birthday on the 18th. I like to remind people I am now half way to 70 (lol) but I actually feel really good physically and emotionally. I accept who I am and like who I am. I am comfortable with my life. I think this means I have officially (finally) grown up.
The rest is just the usual waiting game. Waiting for paperwork to get done, waiting for the contract, waiting for the period to show up, waiting for the bbay peanuts to be ready, etc. Hopefully I will have positive updates for the next post. Stay tuned.....
Sunday, July 15, 2012
And Old Faithful is dormant for another 28 days
Finally, finally, finally my period has stopped. It was 6 long days of non-stop, heavy, icky-ness. And then it suddenly just stopped, like an invisible cork was put into place. I was starting to worry that I would have to become a vampire and try to replace some of the blood I lost. (Ew.)
The good news is my period diary app on my phone says I should start my next period on August 7th. That means I could be ready for the transfer toward the end of August. That makes me very, very excited!!!! You can't see it but I am doing my happy dance right now. :)
The past week was so busy at work and home. It seemed every day was chock full of stuff to get done, and the next day started and went the same way. I got a lot accomplished but I know that this week will be much the same. I am hoping that getting caught up at work will relieve some stress and inspire me to get some projects finished at home. I have all these great ideas and don't want to give up on any of them.
Even though my body has detoxed from the estrogen, I seem to have developed a permanent nesting attitude. I am still cleaning, organizing, de-junking and decorating like crazy. My new goal is to get my bedroom transformed into my oasis of calm. I am preparing for being pregnant and being able to go into my bedroom to relax when I am tired, overwhelmed, etc. I have decorated every other room in my house already and my bedroom was put off til last. I can't afford to buy all new furniture so my goal has been to buy it piece by piece, paint and reuse anything I can. I am painting my nightstands a glossy white and bought a new modern-line white dresser at IKEA yesterday (love that store!). Now I just need to put the dresser together, move over the stuff from the old one, get the old dresser out, and finish the nightstands. Then I will save my pennies and buy the bedframe I want when I have the money. Then I will feel my bedroom is more coordinated and polished. I also bought a body pillow today. I had one when I was pregnant with my son and know I will need one for this pregnancy. I decided to get it early so I can enjoy it that much longer.
We had a Utah surro meeting this morning. Our director came down from Idaho to see us and catch up. I think she is such an amazing person and I am so grateful for her support. One of the other surros talked about another agency that has 250+ surros and sometimes there are complaints about being overlooked or just being a number. I am very satisfied that I did some research and chose an agency that is smaller and wants to keep that personal touch. It makes me feel like the director knows who I am and values me. I also know she will look out for me and make sure my experience is as great as it is. I also had a chance to talk with other surros who are matched and undergoing transfers or are about to. I already knew that surros and families need to be matched well to make it work, but I gained a greater appreciation for the family I am matched with. Other surros were having a hard time communicating with their families or feeling a little lost. I can communicate with my IPs about anything and everything. I think it makes it easier on me and them that we can talk and keep each other updated about everything going on. I am very, very, very happy with my IPs and can't wait to get this journey going!
I am not sure how much I should post about the process. I know that not everyone reading this blog knows about the process so I will try to explain as best I can. Basically, so far I did what is called the "mock cycle". This allows the fertility clinic to see how my body will respond to the estrogen, that causes the uterine lining to get all thick and spongy. Thick and spongy is good because then it gives a wonderful cushion to put the fertilized embryos into. My "mock cycle" was a success and also the reason for the geyser of a period. The next step for me is to get the "calendar" from the fertility clinic, which schedules when the transfer will be and when to start the real meds. I will be back on the estrogen patches but will also have to do shots both before and after the transfer. The progesterone shots will go into the fatty part of my butt and I have heard they are painful and leave lovely lumps and bruises. I may turn into a human dot-to-dot. The other shots are gut shots and not painful at all. I am not a lover of needles but I figure I can grin and bear it for the 9 weeks. As long as the pregnancy happens, I am game for anything. While I wait for my calendar, the IM (intended mom) is doing her own meds and shots to get her ovaries ready for follicle extraction. She is planning to use her own eggs. The IF (intended father) is also providing his sample so they can fertilize the eggs and create the embryos when the time is right. Once the embryos are ready, they will be frozen and kept until we are ready for the transfer. Then the viable embryos will be thawed and inserted on the same day. (Turkey-baster time according to my friends.) I am learning a ton about how complicated it can get to do a pregnancy. Some IPs are not able to use their own DNA and have to buy embryos, eggs or sperm to make it happen.
I have gained a new appreciation for this process and how important being able to have a child is. It makes me love and appreciate mine more and more everyday. Plus, he is the world's greatest and cutest kid. <3
The good news is my period diary app on my phone says I should start my next period on August 7th. That means I could be ready for the transfer toward the end of August. That makes me very, very excited!!!! You can't see it but I am doing my happy dance right now. :)
The past week was so busy at work and home. It seemed every day was chock full of stuff to get done, and the next day started and went the same way. I got a lot accomplished but I know that this week will be much the same. I am hoping that getting caught up at work will relieve some stress and inspire me to get some projects finished at home. I have all these great ideas and don't want to give up on any of them.
Even though my body has detoxed from the estrogen, I seem to have developed a permanent nesting attitude. I am still cleaning, organizing, de-junking and decorating like crazy. My new goal is to get my bedroom transformed into my oasis of calm. I am preparing for being pregnant and being able to go into my bedroom to relax when I am tired, overwhelmed, etc. I have decorated every other room in my house already and my bedroom was put off til last. I can't afford to buy all new furniture so my goal has been to buy it piece by piece, paint and reuse anything I can. I am painting my nightstands a glossy white and bought a new modern-line white dresser at IKEA yesterday (love that store!). Now I just need to put the dresser together, move over the stuff from the old one, get the old dresser out, and finish the nightstands. Then I will save my pennies and buy the bedframe I want when I have the money. Then I will feel my bedroom is more coordinated and polished. I also bought a body pillow today. I had one when I was pregnant with my son and know I will need one for this pregnancy. I decided to get it early so I can enjoy it that much longer.
We had a Utah surro meeting this morning. Our director came down from Idaho to see us and catch up. I think she is such an amazing person and I am so grateful for her support. One of the other surros talked about another agency that has 250+ surros and sometimes there are complaints about being overlooked or just being a number. I am very satisfied that I did some research and chose an agency that is smaller and wants to keep that personal touch. It makes me feel like the director knows who I am and values me. I also know she will look out for me and make sure my experience is as great as it is. I also had a chance to talk with other surros who are matched and undergoing transfers or are about to. I already knew that surros and families need to be matched well to make it work, but I gained a greater appreciation for the family I am matched with. Other surros were having a hard time communicating with their families or feeling a little lost. I can communicate with my IPs about anything and everything. I think it makes it easier on me and them that we can talk and keep each other updated about everything going on. I am very, very, very happy with my IPs and can't wait to get this journey going!
I am not sure how much I should post about the process. I know that not everyone reading this blog knows about the process so I will try to explain as best I can. Basically, so far I did what is called the "mock cycle". This allows the fertility clinic to see how my body will respond to the estrogen, that causes the uterine lining to get all thick and spongy. Thick and spongy is good because then it gives a wonderful cushion to put the fertilized embryos into. My "mock cycle" was a success and also the reason for the geyser of a period. The next step for me is to get the "calendar" from the fertility clinic, which schedules when the transfer will be and when to start the real meds. I will be back on the estrogen patches but will also have to do shots both before and after the transfer. The progesterone shots will go into the fatty part of my butt and I have heard they are painful and leave lovely lumps and bruises. I may turn into a human dot-to-dot. The other shots are gut shots and not painful at all. I am not a lover of needles but I figure I can grin and bear it for the 9 weeks. As long as the pregnancy happens, I am game for anything. While I wait for my calendar, the IM (intended mom) is doing her own meds and shots to get her ovaries ready for follicle extraction. She is planning to use her own eggs. The IF (intended father) is also providing his sample so they can fertilize the eggs and create the embryos when the time is right. Once the embryos are ready, they will be frozen and kept until we are ready for the transfer. Then the viable embryos will be thawed and inserted on the same day. (Turkey-baster time according to my friends.) I am learning a ton about how complicated it can get to do a pregnancy. Some IPs are not able to use their own DNA and have to buy embryos, eggs or sperm to make it happen.
I have gained a new appreciation for this process and how important being able to have a child is. It makes me love and appreciate mine more and more everyday. Plus, he is the world's greatest and cutest kid. <3
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Old Faithful has erupted...and the waiting begins again.
So, I have anxiously been awaiting the usually dreaded period. Because it means Day 1 and go time. I started having some spotting last Thursday. It was really light and I think it is the only time in my life I was trying to convince my girlie parts to put out some more so I could call the clinic and start the cycle. Needless to say, my girlie parts would not listen and follow directions. I called the clinic anyway (always err on the side of caution) and they told me to wait for a "good flow" day. Ew. So I waited and waited and waited. I have never actually wanted my period before so this was a very confusing and stressful time.
And then it happened yesterday morning. And boy, did it happen. The clinic wasn't kidding when they said it would be a heavy period. I am at the point of just shoving an elephant sized piece of cotton or an entire towel in there. Wowsers! Old Faithful has erupted and I am now praying for it to stop. lol
Enough grossness- so I called and told the clinic I had started. I put a box of patches in my purse and was all ready for the call back to get started. And then some little issues came up that need to be taken care of before this can proceed. So it looks like the transfer is getting pushed back to the end of August, early September. The waiting game begins again. I was disappointed at first because everything seemed to be working out so perfectly and I was all excited to do the transfer the first part of August. But the more I thought about it, the more I worried that it was all working out too perfectly. That made me worry that maybe I was trying to rush something that needs a bit more time. I believe the universe has a balance and my time is a few weeks more. So now I am totally okay with waiting. It also gives my body a chance to recover and maybe I can lose a few more of these "mock cycle" pounds that I gained. It has also been unbearibly hot here so it means my body doesn't have to go through meds until the weather cools a bit. Definitely a blessing in disguise.
I have started looking around on the internet for other blogs about this kind of stuff. Some people out there are very odd and doing it for all the wrong reasons. They like the money or feel like they are God. Those thoughts are scary and give this amazing experience a bad name. There are so many reasons for anyone to consider doing this, and they should hold onto those positive and fulfilling feelings instead. That is what I have been doing and it has really given me a great purpose. I am thankful to be doing this to help someone else and also to fill some needed gaps within me. The best part is I have met some amazing people and can't wait to add to that list. My experience thus far has been so pleasant and I don't have anything negative to report. :)
And then it happened yesterday morning. And boy, did it happen. The clinic wasn't kidding when they said it would be a heavy period. I am at the point of just shoving an elephant sized piece of cotton or an entire towel in there. Wowsers! Old Faithful has erupted and I am now praying for it to stop. lol
Enough grossness- so I called and told the clinic I had started. I put a box of patches in my purse and was all ready for the call back to get started. And then some little issues came up that need to be taken care of before this can proceed. So it looks like the transfer is getting pushed back to the end of August, early September. The waiting game begins again. I was disappointed at first because everything seemed to be working out so perfectly and I was all excited to do the transfer the first part of August. But the more I thought about it, the more I worried that it was all working out too perfectly. That made me worry that maybe I was trying to rush something that needs a bit more time. I believe the universe has a balance and my time is a few weeks more. So now I am totally okay with waiting. It also gives my body a chance to recover and maybe I can lose a few more of these "mock cycle" pounds that I gained. It has also been unbearibly hot here so it means my body doesn't have to go through meds until the weather cools a bit. Definitely a blessing in disguise.
I have started looking around on the internet for other blogs about this kind of stuff. Some people out there are very odd and doing it for all the wrong reasons. They like the money or feel like they are God. Those thoughts are scary and give this amazing experience a bad name. There are so many reasons for anyone to consider doing this, and they should hold onto those positive and fulfilling feelings instead. That is what I have been doing and it has really given me a great purpose. I am thankful to be doing this to help someone else and also to fill some needed gaps within me. The best part is I have met some amazing people and can't wait to add to that list. My experience thus far has been so pleasant and I don't have anything negative to report. :)
Friday, July 6, 2012
Cali trip!
Sorry, sorry, sorry. Now that a few of you are reading this, I am being admonished for not updating. Sorry!
The trip to Cali was amazing! Amazing! The flights out were long and bumpy so I was relieved to finally get there. The Mom met me at the airport. She described our meeting as kinda like a blind date and I have to agree with that analogy. I was so nervous and not sure what to expect. She put all my fears to rest because she was so warm and receptive. She jumped out of the car and gave me a big hug. It felt right, like I have known her for years and we were just catching up from the last time we saw each other. It was a relief to feel that connection with her because we are going to go through so much together. We both jumped in the car and headed toward a cute cafe on the beach to have some lunch and a talk. I should probably comment on the traffic and driving: scary. Worse than considering having a baby for strangers. lol
The cafe by the beach was so picturesque and the view was amazing. I would seriously consider moving to Cali just to have that view every day. And I loved that everyone walked around in swimsuits, regardless of whether they have the body for it or not. My kind of place.
The Mom and I had a chance to talk while we ate. There were lots of things to talk about, things that are hard to talk about on the phone. It was really nice to get to know her better and hopefully she got to ask the questions of me that have been weighing on her mind. We made a really good connection and it seems like this is just meant to happen. We had such a great time talking that we had to rush over to the fertility clinic for the appointment. We made it only 3 minutes late. Whew!
The appointment was strange. There really is no other word for it. The doc took me into his office for a private talk. I think he wanted to make sure that I am doing this of my own free will and not being forced into it. I must have put his fears to rest because we proceeded on.
[I was thinking about why this talk had to happen, and it finally dawned on me that I am ready to do this but others are skeptical. It is not something that someone just decides one day to do. It takes months (even years) of thinking and preparing for it. I am ready but am figuring out that others are not quite ready and need some time to figure it out. I do realize that it is strange and just not normal, but I have always been strange and not quite normal. And I know my okayness with it and my reasons for doing it, so the idea just doesn't phase me anymore. I figure they can take all the time they need, cause I am continuing forward regardless.]
I won't go into detail about the exam. But I will give some highlights cause it was funny. :) Imagine wearing the infamous paper sheet and trying to balance on a small chair with your legs high in the air. Then the doc moves the chair back and up, so everything is up in the air on display. I was lucky enough to have a room full of people reassuring me that I was not on display but they sure were staring. A lot. I was uncomfortable so I did my usual thing, cracked a joke. You have to realize that this doc is older and very serious. He is very good at what he does so he doesn't have to have a bedside manner or sense of humor. I had joked with the nurse as I was undressing that I might pee on the doc because they wouldn't allow me to empty my bladder and I really had to go. She giggled (loved her, by the way) and said it has happened before but she hasn't seen it herself. I couldn't really promise that I would do it but I was thinking about it. Anyway, there he is digging around and checking out everything. I am pretty sure he had that ultrasound wand somewhere up by my tonsils at one point. He then made a comment to the other doc in the room (doing her fellowship in fertility specialty) that she had to come see this. Docs should never say that. Cause it made me super curious. I wasn't sure what to say so I asked if they had found my car keys. The nurse and fellow doc were laughing so hard. The doc just gave a little chuckle and asked if I had put keys in there. I wasn't sure if he was serious or not, so I said no. He told me he was teasing so I got a kick out of that. He does have a sense of humor.
The rest of the exam went well. He did a very thorough (incredibly thorough!!) check, filled my uterus with some saline to look for any problems and then took the tissue sample. It was uncomfortable but didn't hurt. I was pleasantly surprised. He said everything looked great and wanted me to clean up and meet back in his office.
Here comes the funniest part: so the docs leave and it is just me and the nurse in the room. She has layered huge pads (the kind they put on hospital beds for accidents) all over the floor. It seemed odd at first. But then she starts to lower my chair down. And I have to pee and have a uterus full of saline. So I am kegel'd so hard trying to keep this all in. And I am holding it, and holding it, and then suddenly gravity wins. Whoosh! Liquid everywhere! I was so embarassed but the nurse was so nice about it. Apparently it is normal and she was surprised that I held on to it for so long. I don't do my exercises for nothing! Anway, I ran to the bathroom, cleaned up and hurried to the doc's office.
The doc met with the Mom and I. He said everything was excellent or "excelente" in his native Spanish language. I plan to add that to my uterus resume. She is now described as "lovely, perfect/ideal and excelente". Ta-da!
He said everything was good and we could proceed forward. I will admit I didn't understand everything that he said because he has a thick accent. I like to close my eyes and pretend he is a young Antonion Banderas. After him, we met with our Patient Care Coordinator. She is the one I talk to all the time. She went over some paperwork for me and some info for both the Mom and I about scheduling and doing the frozen cycle. I had to start on some meds to make my period show back up again so I can empty out the uterus and get ready for the real cycle. We are basically waiting for this to happen. In the mean time, the Mom and Dad have to go do their stuff. The Mom has to do some of the same meds as me and then go in for her folicle extraction. The Dad has to go through a sterile "good time". Poor guy. I think he has it the worst out of all of us. The Mom and I went to the pharmacy as we left the clinic and picked up the meds I will need when my new cycle starts. Holy Crap!! Let's just say- I came home with a black grocery bag full of vials, meds, needles, etc. I am starting to worry I will have to pick up a Surrogacy for Dummies book to help me figure out how to use them all.
After the visit, we traveled back through Cali traffic (scary!!) and met the Dad for a quick dinner. I was nervous to meet him as well but already felt so reassured that the Mom and I were getting along so well. He was also so warm and accepting. He gave me a big hug and then the Mom and I caught him up on the doctor visit. I got to talk with him for a bit and then it was time to rush to the airport.
The trip back was eventful and I traveled on planes that resembled and were the size of matchbox cars. I did get a great view of the sunset over the ocean and LA at night. I tried to take pics but wasn't supposed to have my phone on. Oops! Maybe next time. I finally got home around 2 am, walked in the door, and fell into bed. It was a long but amazing day!
We are hoping the transfer takes places in early August. It seems best for everyone so I am hoping my body is ready. (Hurry up body!).
More to come! Love you family and friends and new friends!
The trip to Cali was amazing! Amazing! The flights out were long and bumpy so I was relieved to finally get there. The Mom met me at the airport. She described our meeting as kinda like a blind date and I have to agree with that analogy. I was so nervous and not sure what to expect. She put all my fears to rest because she was so warm and receptive. She jumped out of the car and gave me a big hug. It felt right, like I have known her for years and we were just catching up from the last time we saw each other. It was a relief to feel that connection with her because we are going to go through so much together. We both jumped in the car and headed toward a cute cafe on the beach to have some lunch and a talk. I should probably comment on the traffic and driving: scary. Worse than considering having a baby for strangers. lol
The cafe by the beach was so picturesque and the view was amazing. I would seriously consider moving to Cali just to have that view every day. And I loved that everyone walked around in swimsuits, regardless of whether they have the body for it or not. My kind of place.
The Mom and I had a chance to talk while we ate. There were lots of things to talk about, things that are hard to talk about on the phone. It was really nice to get to know her better and hopefully she got to ask the questions of me that have been weighing on her mind. We made a really good connection and it seems like this is just meant to happen. We had such a great time talking that we had to rush over to the fertility clinic for the appointment. We made it only 3 minutes late. Whew!
The appointment was strange. There really is no other word for it. The doc took me into his office for a private talk. I think he wanted to make sure that I am doing this of my own free will and not being forced into it. I must have put his fears to rest because we proceeded on.
[I was thinking about why this talk had to happen, and it finally dawned on me that I am ready to do this but others are skeptical. It is not something that someone just decides one day to do. It takes months (even years) of thinking and preparing for it. I am ready but am figuring out that others are not quite ready and need some time to figure it out. I do realize that it is strange and just not normal, but I have always been strange and not quite normal. And I know my okayness with it and my reasons for doing it, so the idea just doesn't phase me anymore. I figure they can take all the time they need, cause I am continuing forward regardless.]
I won't go into detail about the exam. But I will give some highlights cause it was funny. :) Imagine wearing the infamous paper sheet and trying to balance on a small chair with your legs high in the air. Then the doc moves the chair back and up, so everything is up in the air on display. I was lucky enough to have a room full of people reassuring me that I was not on display but they sure were staring. A lot. I was uncomfortable so I did my usual thing, cracked a joke. You have to realize that this doc is older and very serious. He is very good at what he does so he doesn't have to have a bedside manner or sense of humor. I had joked with the nurse as I was undressing that I might pee on the doc because they wouldn't allow me to empty my bladder and I really had to go. She giggled (loved her, by the way) and said it has happened before but she hasn't seen it herself. I couldn't really promise that I would do it but I was thinking about it. Anyway, there he is digging around and checking out everything. I am pretty sure he had that ultrasound wand somewhere up by my tonsils at one point. He then made a comment to the other doc in the room (doing her fellowship in fertility specialty) that she had to come see this. Docs should never say that. Cause it made me super curious. I wasn't sure what to say so I asked if they had found my car keys. The nurse and fellow doc were laughing so hard. The doc just gave a little chuckle and asked if I had put keys in there. I wasn't sure if he was serious or not, so I said no. He told me he was teasing so I got a kick out of that. He does have a sense of humor.
The rest of the exam went well. He did a very thorough (incredibly thorough!!) check, filled my uterus with some saline to look for any problems and then took the tissue sample. It was uncomfortable but didn't hurt. I was pleasantly surprised. He said everything looked great and wanted me to clean up and meet back in his office.
Here comes the funniest part: so the docs leave and it is just me and the nurse in the room. She has layered huge pads (the kind they put on hospital beds for accidents) all over the floor. It seemed odd at first. But then she starts to lower my chair down. And I have to pee and have a uterus full of saline. So I am kegel'd so hard trying to keep this all in. And I am holding it, and holding it, and then suddenly gravity wins. Whoosh! Liquid everywhere! I was so embarassed but the nurse was so nice about it. Apparently it is normal and she was surprised that I held on to it for so long. I don't do my exercises for nothing! Anway, I ran to the bathroom, cleaned up and hurried to the doc's office.
The doc met with the Mom and I. He said everything was excellent or "excelente" in his native Spanish language. I plan to add that to my uterus resume. She is now described as "lovely, perfect/ideal and excelente". Ta-da!
He said everything was good and we could proceed forward. I will admit I didn't understand everything that he said because he has a thick accent. I like to close my eyes and pretend he is a young Antonion Banderas. After him, we met with our Patient Care Coordinator. She is the one I talk to all the time. She went over some paperwork for me and some info for both the Mom and I about scheduling and doing the frozen cycle. I had to start on some meds to make my period show back up again so I can empty out the uterus and get ready for the real cycle. We are basically waiting for this to happen. In the mean time, the Mom and Dad have to go do their stuff. The Mom has to do some of the same meds as me and then go in for her folicle extraction. The Dad has to go through a sterile "good time". Poor guy. I think he has it the worst out of all of us. The Mom and I went to the pharmacy as we left the clinic and picked up the meds I will need when my new cycle starts. Holy Crap!! Let's just say- I came home with a black grocery bag full of vials, meds, needles, etc. I am starting to worry I will have to pick up a Surrogacy for Dummies book to help me figure out how to use them all.
After the visit, we traveled back through Cali traffic (scary!!) and met the Dad for a quick dinner. I was nervous to meet him as well but already felt so reassured that the Mom and I were getting along so well. He was also so warm and accepting. He gave me a big hug and then the Mom and I caught him up on the doctor visit. I got to talk with him for a bit and then it was time to rush to the airport.
The trip back was eventful and I traveled on planes that resembled and were the size of matchbox cars. I did get a great view of the sunset over the ocean and LA at night. I tried to take pics but wasn't supposed to have my phone on. Oops! Maybe next time. I finally got home around 2 am, walked in the door, and fell into bed. It was a long but amazing day!
We are hoping the transfer takes places in early August. It seems best for everyone so I am hoping my body is ready. (Hurry up body!).
More to come! Love you family and friends and new friends!
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Up, Up, and Away!!
Tomorrow is super exciting because I am flying to California to meet with the IPs. I am feeling all sorts of different things: happy, excited, nervous, giddy, nervous, relieved that another step is happening, ecstatic, hopeful, nervous. lol. I guess I might be a little nervous. It is always hard to meet new people (in person) and hope that they understand me and that I make a good impression. Cross your fingers and let's hope this goes well. ;) It has been great to talk with the parents over the phone and I can't wait to meet them in person. I already like them so much so I hope they like me too.
I am also nervous about the visit with their fertility doc. I know that I am ready for this to happen and my body is ready right along with me, but it is stressful to think that he could decide I am not right and put a stop to the process. Hopefully my "lovely" and "perfect" uterus will charm him. It sure worked with the docs out here.
My "lining check" ultrasound with the Utah fertility clinic went well last Monday. My uterine lining was at 10.5. The nurse practitioner commented that my uterus appeared "perfect" and ready. She said they use surros when they reach 7.0 so she felt confident that the Cali doc will like how my body has been responding to the estrogen. It felt really good to hear her feedback. Damn right, my uterus is perfect! lol
I am still on the same amount of estrogen patches. My chest continues to be swollen and large. Most ladies would be excited about free growth but I was already big and now just feel awkward. And it doesn't help that my boobs keep trying to pop out of everything I wear. Down girls! My emotions have still been a little off as well. I still cry over weird commercials and TV shows. I even watched an action movie and ended up teary eyed at some points. I haven't felt as peppy as the first week or so, and am feeling tired sometimes. The patches seem to throw off my sleep schedule so I have been napping whenever I get a chance. I guess this is good preparation for when I am pregnant and feel tired. Gotta love little naps here and there. I am still cleaning and organizing like crazy. It feels good to get rid of old things and clean out the house.
I am honestly not sure what else to write about on here. I have checked out other blogs and the writers seem to just write about random things. Sometimes it is entertaining and I relate to them, and other times it feels like a waste of my time. Any suggestions or questions from the peanut gallery? I am sending out the link to friend and family so they can join the fun.
I will post again when I am back from Cali. :)
I am also nervous about the visit with their fertility doc. I know that I am ready for this to happen and my body is ready right along with me, but it is stressful to think that he could decide I am not right and put a stop to the process. Hopefully my "lovely" and "perfect" uterus will charm him. It sure worked with the docs out here.
My "lining check" ultrasound with the Utah fertility clinic went well last Monday. My uterine lining was at 10.5. The nurse practitioner commented that my uterus appeared "perfect" and ready. She said they use surros when they reach 7.0 so she felt confident that the Cali doc will like how my body has been responding to the estrogen. It felt really good to hear her feedback. Damn right, my uterus is perfect! lol
I am still on the same amount of estrogen patches. My chest continues to be swollen and large. Most ladies would be excited about free growth but I was already big and now just feel awkward. And it doesn't help that my boobs keep trying to pop out of everything I wear. Down girls! My emotions have still been a little off as well. I still cry over weird commercials and TV shows. I even watched an action movie and ended up teary eyed at some points. I haven't felt as peppy as the first week or so, and am feeling tired sometimes. The patches seem to throw off my sleep schedule so I have been napping whenever I get a chance. I guess this is good preparation for when I am pregnant and feel tired. Gotta love little naps here and there. I am still cleaning and organizing like crazy. It feels good to get rid of old things and clean out the house.
I am honestly not sure what else to write about on here. I have checked out other blogs and the writers seem to just write about random things. Sometimes it is entertaining and I relate to them, and other times it feels like a waste of my time. Any suggestions or questions from the peanut gallery? I am sending out the link to friend and family so they can join the fun.
I will post again when I am back from Cali. :)
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Estrogen Overload!
I have been on the estrogen patches for over a week now. I am assuming they are doing what they are meant to do, because I sure feel the effects of them. My chest is swollen and sore, I crave the worst (most yummiest foods), cry over tv shows and commercials, and am nesting. I spent most of today scrubbing the walls, baseboards and floors. I also continued my de-cluttering, throwing out anything that I don't want or need. Out of all the effects, this one seems the most beneficial because my house is so clean and it feels nice.
My follow-up "lining check" ultrasound is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. I am assuming it will go well because I feel extra estrogen-y. I will have to update once it is done.
The last week has flown by. It was hard to go back to work after being off the week before. I had plenty of catching up to do, to keep me busy. I am thinking this week will be the same. There is always too much to do, and not enough time to do it in.
I am so excited that I am getting closer and closer to going to Cali to meet the parents and talk with their doc. I am nervous, anxious, excited, ready. I think it will go well. :)
My follow-up "lining check" ultrasound is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. I am assuming it will go well because I feel extra estrogen-y. I will have to update once it is done.
The last week has flown by. It was hard to go back to work after being off the week before. I had plenty of catching up to do, to keep me busy. I am thinking this week will be the same. There is always too much to do, and not enough time to do it in.
I am so excited that I am getting closer and closer to going to Cali to meet the parents and talk with their doc. I am nervous, anxious, excited, ready. I think it will go well. :)
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Good News! I am not crazy but may be addicted to Estrogen.
I had my psych eval last Monday. Sorry I didn't get a chance to post but I was very lazy last week and enjoyed it. Anyway, I will admit I was nervous about the eval. Not cause I am crazy but because I had no idea what to expect. The psychologist was so nice and made me feel so comfortable. She asked me lots of questions about why I am doing this, if I have a support network and feel ready, my past history and family relationships, mental health problems, etc. I answered every questions honestly but it was hard to not let my playful sarcastic side come out. It did a couple times but she got that I was kidding and we got along great. The appt only took about 50 minutes and then she said I am healthy and normal, and there was no need to get into anything more in depth. So, there is the proof: I am not crazy. It made me laugh to see the agency director post that on our FB support page. Made me giggle.
The rest of the week proceeded normally. I spoke with the nurse at the fertility clinic about the meds. She said the pills are oral (thank goodness!) but I won't need them until later. I just needed my period to start and then I could start the patches for the mock cycle. I think my body knew how excited I was to get this going, because it intentionally made me wait 4 extra days for my period to start. It was supposed to start last Monday but finally showed up that Friday. Of course on the day we had a pool trip planned. But it did start and I got to start on the patches. They had me start with using 2 but I have now moved up to 4.
The patches are awesome! I am not sure if they are supposed to do this or it is just in my head, but they make me feel tingly for about an hour after I put them on. Then I don't notice I have them, expect I get worried about them possibly coming off so I am careful to not rub my abdomen on anything. Not that I should be doing that anyway. lol. I read about the side effects and was kind of worried but I really have not had any complaints. They actually seem to give me energy and then I get tired the night before they need to be changed. That is my night to relax and get extra sleep. I have noticed that a little hair has fallen out but nothing major. And I have plenty to spare, and know it will grow like crazy during the pregnancy. Everything else seems fine. I will admit I kinda like these little patches. I call them my "pep patches" because they make me feel great and energetic. I may need to find a way to get these again in the future.... Like an estrogen dealer?? :)
This week has flown by as well. I had my initial ultrasound and blood work on Monday. She said my uterus is "perfect". It made me smile. How often does a girl hear that? I kinda wanted to call and brag to everyone I knew about it. I did tell my mom thanks for the perfect uterus and made another friend listen to the whole story. Not sure she wanted to know all those details. Anyway, they said everything looks great and is right on schedule with where my body is on my cycle. She also said my uterus has the shape, size and everything ideal for a pregnancy. It was clear of cysts, growths, tumors. Just a big empty organ waiting for something to be put in it. (Sorry but that sounds odd.) So exciting!! This makes me feel like it is all meant to be and moving in the right direction. I like when life gives me confirmation about what I am doing.
I have a follow-up "lining check" ultrasound next Monday too. I need the lining to be nice and thick, so they know the estrogen is doing it's job. Then I will be flying to Cali for the big exam by the fertility doc. I am looking forward to meeting him. I can't decide by his voice if he is an older "grandfatherly" figure or a hottie doctor.
The other great news is that I got to talk with the parents again this last week. We now have each other's information so we can chat and keep up to date with each other all the time. I am so anxious to meet them and get to know more about them. They sound awesome and I am lucky to be matched with such great people. They seem just as excited so I think this experience will be so positive for all of us. I will meet them in person for the first time when I travel to Cali in a week or two for the big exam. They sound like nice people so I know we will hit it off and like each other. (And I might have FB stalked them and already know a little about them.) I also told the mom (officially called an IP- silly) about my idea to have her and the dad record their voices so I can play it for the little one. It helps with attachment and bonding. The baby needs to hear more than just my voice. The idea is to have the parents record their voices talking about their story, life, likes/dislikes, read books, etc. Then I play the recordings for the baby by putting my iPod on my tummy or using headphones placed over the belly. I looked it up and the ears develop fully at week 16 but they can hear vibrations and tones earlier than that. I think it is a neat idea and am excited.
I also talked with my kid about everything this week. He has known all along because I wanted his support but it is getting closer. He loves the idea and is excited as well. He did ask what we will call the baby. We bounced around ideas for nicknames until the baby has an actual name. He likes "baby hippo or peanut". I like "peanut" because that was my nickname when I was little and still is when I go home for visits.
Well, I better get back to work. More lives to save out there. lol Until next time. :)
The rest of the week proceeded normally. I spoke with the nurse at the fertility clinic about the meds. She said the pills are oral (thank goodness!) but I won't need them until later. I just needed my period to start and then I could start the patches for the mock cycle. I think my body knew how excited I was to get this going, because it intentionally made me wait 4 extra days for my period to start. It was supposed to start last Monday but finally showed up that Friday. Of course on the day we had a pool trip planned. But it did start and I got to start on the patches. They had me start with using 2 but I have now moved up to 4.
The patches are awesome! I am not sure if they are supposed to do this or it is just in my head, but they make me feel tingly for about an hour after I put them on. Then I don't notice I have them, expect I get worried about them possibly coming off so I am careful to not rub my abdomen on anything. Not that I should be doing that anyway. lol. I read about the side effects and was kind of worried but I really have not had any complaints. They actually seem to give me energy and then I get tired the night before they need to be changed. That is my night to relax and get extra sleep. I have noticed that a little hair has fallen out but nothing major. And I have plenty to spare, and know it will grow like crazy during the pregnancy. Everything else seems fine. I will admit I kinda like these little patches. I call them my "pep patches" because they make me feel great and energetic. I may need to find a way to get these again in the future.... Like an estrogen dealer?? :)
This week has flown by as well. I had my initial ultrasound and blood work on Monday. She said my uterus is "perfect". It made me smile. How often does a girl hear that? I kinda wanted to call and brag to everyone I knew about it. I did tell my mom thanks for the perfect uterus and made another friend listen to the whole story. Not sure she wanted to know all those details. Anyway, they said everything looks great and is right on schedule with where my body is on my cycle. She also said my uterus has the shape, size and everything ideal for a pregnancy. It was clear of cysts, growths, tumors. Just a big empty organ waiting for something to be put in it. (Sorry but that sounds odd.) So exciting!! This makes me feel like it is all meant to be and moving in the right direction. I like when life gives me confirmation about what I am doing.
I have a follow-up "lining check" ultrasound next Monday too. I need the lining to be nice and thick, so they know the estrogen is doing it's job. Then I will be flying to Cali for the big exam by the fertility doc. I am looking forward to meeting him. I can't decide by his voice if he is an older "grandfatherly" figure or a hottie doctor.
The other great news is that I got to talk with the parents again this last week. We now have each other's information so we can chat and keep up to date with each other all the time. I am so anxious to meet them and get to know more about them. They sound awesome and I am lucky to be matched with such great people. They seem just as excited so I think this experience will be so positive for all of us. I will meet them in person for the first time when I travel to Cali in a week or two for the big exam. They sound like nice people so I know we will hit it off and like each other. (And I might have FB stalked them and already know a little about them.) I also told the mom (officially called an IP- silly) about my idea to have her and the dad record their voices so I can play it for the little one. It helps with attachment and bonding. The baby needs to hear more than just my voice. The idea is to have the parents record their voices talking about their story, life, likes/dislikes, read books, etc. Then I play the recordings for the baby by putting my iPod on my tummy or using headphones placed over the belly. I looked it up and the ears develop fully at week 16 but they can hear vibrations and tones earlier than that. I think it is a neat idea and am excited.
I also talked with my kid about everything this week. He has known all along because I wanted his support but it is getting closer. He loves the idea and is excited as well. He did ask what we will call the baby. We bounced around ideas for nicknames until the baby has an actual name. He likes "baby hippo or peanut". I like "peanut" because that was my nickname when I was little and still is when I go home for visits.
Well, I better get back to work. More lives to save out there. lol Until next time. :)
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Bring on the meds!
I got my first package of meds delivered yesterday. Patches and oral meds (I hope). I am not quite sure what to do with them yet so I will have to call the fertility clinic tomorrow and get the official word of when and what to do. I also have my psych eval scheduled for tomorrow. I am not really nervous about it but I am fascinated. I will try to update tomorrow with what the experience is like.
The past week has flown by. I was super busy at work but have taken this whole week off to spend time with my kiddo and get some much needed recovery time. Just play and fun for the next week.
I still haven't spoke with the IPs again but am anxious to talk to them. I hope they are getting all their questions answered and are excited to talk with me also.
I guess I should actually tell people about this blog so they can follow it but I also like the idea of just keeping it to myself. Hmmm, what to do, what to do. :)
The past week has flown by. I was super busy at work but have taken this whole week off to spend time with my kiddo and get some much needed recovery time. Just play and fun for the next week.
I still haven't spoke with the IPs again but am anxious to talk to them. I hope they are getting all their questions answered and are excited to talk with me also.
I guess I should actually tell people about this blog so they can follow it but I also like the idea of just keeping it to myself. Hmmm, what to do, what to do. :)
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Wow! The past month had flown by. And I have seriously neglected this blog. I need to get back to my goal of posting every Sunday, at least.
Since I last posted there have been some updates. I was able to talk with the fertility clinic and doc that the family is using. The doc answered many questions and explained everything IN DETAIL. Very detailed. I already knew the details but it was different to hear some stranger talk in so much detail about my womb and bits and pieces. It was a little odd but not unpleasant. I did learn a lot and it gives me some great info to consider over the next few weeks. The best part was hearing that I get to do 10 weeks of shots. How lucky I am. lol I am glad my good friend has offered to give them as they need to go in my bum and that is an awkward angle. I am not a friend of needles but won't let something like that make this into a negative experience.
I also spoke with the patient care coordinator A. She is amazing!! So friendly and so knowledgeable. I am super happy to get to talk with her a lot over the next several months. She was able to give me more info about a possible timeline. I am pushing to make this happen soon because it doesn't make sense for any of the parties involved to try and delay it. She is currently in the process of sending me some meds so I can do an initial estrogen patch cycle and then fly out to Cali in a couple weeks to complete the initial exam. Very thorough exam. Then, hopefully, the transfer could happen in July or August. I would love to be pregnant and deliver by next Spring. Something magical about a Spring baby.
I haven't been able to talk with the IPs (Intended Parents) since my phone interview. I have expressed to the agency director that I do want to talk with them and she has agreed to pass that on. I think this is just part of the process. I would feel bad if we formed a bond and then something interfered, preventing the process from happening. But I also want to get to know them better and give them more access to me. I have so many ideas and can't wait to share them.
I have been exercising regularily to make sure my body is ready. It feels good to get out and get the heart rate up. I plan to continue to exercise during the pregnancy, but not to an extreme. I exercised when I was pregnant with my son and think it really helped emotionally and physically.
I almost forgot something important! My psych eval is scheduled for next Monday. The phone call with the PhD to set up the appt went well and I like her. I am anxious about the appt. Not because it is unknown (I have experience in this area) but because I never know what to expect with anything. It should be fun.
I guess I should get to bed and have some beauty sleep.
Night friends and family!
Since I last posted there have been some updates. I was able to talk with the fertility clinic and doc that the family is using. The doc answered many questions and explained everything IN DETAIL. Very detailed. I already knew the details but it was different to hear some stranger talk in so much detail about my womb and bits and pieces. It was a little odd but not unpleasant. I did learn a lot and it gives me some great info to consider over the next few weeks. The best part was hearing that I get to do 10 weeks of shots. How lucky I am. lol I am glad my good friend has offered to give them as they need to go in my bum and that is an awkward angle. I am not a friend of needles but won't let something like that make this into a negative experience.
I also spoke with the patient care coordinator A. She is amazing!! So friendly and so knowledgeable. I am super happy to get to talk with her a lot over the next several months. She was able to give me more info about a possible timeline. I am pushing to make this happen soon because it doesn't make sense for any of the parties involved to try and delay it. She is currently in the process of sending me some meds so I can do an initial estrogen patch cycle and then fly out to Cali in a couple weeks to complete the initial exam. Very thorough exam. Then, hopefully, the transfer could happen in July or August. I would love to be pregnant and deliver by next Spring. Something magical about a Spring baby.
I haven't been able to talk with the IPs (Intended Parents) since my phone interview. I have expressed to the agency director that I do want to talk with them and she has agreed to pass that on. I think this is just part of the process. I would feel bad if we formed a bond and then something interfered, preventing the process from happening. But I also want to get to know them better and give them more access to me. I have so many ideas and can't wait to share them.
I have been exercising regularily to make sure my body is ready. It feels good to get out and get the heart rate up. I plan to continue to exercise during the pregnancy, but not to an extreme. I exercised when I was pregnant with my son and think it really helped emotionally and physically.
I almost forgot something important! My psych eval is scheduled for next Monday. The phone call with the PhD to set up the appt went well and I like her. I am anxious about the appt. Not because it is unknown (I have experience in this area) but because I never know what to expect with anything. It should be fun.
I guess I should get to bed and have some beauty sleep.
Night friends and family!
Thursday, April 26, 2012
I was interviewed by another couple on Tuesday of this week. It was a phone interview instead of in person. It seemed to go much easier than the last one. I am not sure if it is because I now have experience with being interviewed and kinda knew what to expect, or if it was less stressful to talk over the phone. The couple seemed very nice and we naturally talked and got along. I found out from the agency director later that night that the couple really liked me and want to move forward. I am not sure what the next steps are but the director will keep me in the loop.
I will admit that I am so excited. It is hard to put it into words but I am so relieved to move forward from here. Once I made the decision, I was already resolved and it was really hard to be patient and wait for the next step. The process seems to be a lot of hurry up, wait, hurry up, wait. Kinda like how life is. I can't wait for the next step and moving forward toward this actually happening. With any luck I will be pregnant in a few short months. :)
I know I don't write very often but will try to do so more often. I was surprised to log in and find that my blog has been viewed 10 times. I am not sure who is looking at it. I mostly created it for myself, as a sort of journal because my handwriting is horrible and I wanted to document this adventure. I also wanted to provide a place where my family and friends can read about my inner most thoughts. Please, let me know who you are cause my curiosity is peaked.
I will admit that I am so excited. It is hard to put it into words but I am so relieved to move forward from here. Once I made the decision, I was already resolved and it was really hard to be patient and wait for the next step. The process seems to be a lot of hurry up, wait, hurry up, wait. Kinda like how life is. I can't wait for the next step and moving forward toward this actually happening. With any luck I will be pregnant in a few short months. :)
I know I don't write very often but will try to do so more often. I was surprised to log in and find that my blog has been viewed 10 times. I am not sure who is looking at it. I mostly created it for myself, as a sort of journal because my handwriting is horrible and I wanted to document this adventure. I also wanted to provide a place where my family and friends can read about my inner most thoughts. Please, let me know who you are cause my curiosity is peaked.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
I met with the agency director and my first couple a few weeks ago. I was really nervous because this is a new experience for me (obviously) but they made me feel so comfortable. I thought I hit it off with then and was excited that they might pick me. I found out a few days later that they decided to go with someone else. I was disappointed and started trying to think of what it was about me they didn't like or if I had done or said anything that scared them away. I finally got to the realization that they aren't my family and it wasn't meant to be. I do believe in the cosmos, karma, fate, whatever you want to call it. I know that it will happen if it is meant to happen and at the right time.
I found out a few days ago that there may be another family or even two looking at my profile. I am keeping my fingers crossed. :)
I found out a few days ago that there may be another family or even two looking at my profile. I am keeping my fingers crossed. :)
Monday, January 30, 2012
I found out the agency director and a potential family will be in town this weekend to meet me. I am so excited to be another step in the right direction. I have had all my check-ups and know that my body is ready. I have told some co-workers and friends, and know that I am mentally and emotionally ready. I just hate having to wait. Seems kinda funny when I will be waiting through 40 weeks once it starts.
Why I made the decision.
I guess it is something I have been thinking about for a while. I was approached by a co-worker years ago about possibly being a surrogate for her. I had told her how easy my pregnancy went and that I thought about being pregnant again. Unfortunately, I wasn't in a position to have a pregnancy of my own. When I told her about this she thought I might want to help her out. I was stunned by her request and had to decline because I wasn't in a position to do something this big. I had way too much chaos and instability to handle something this big.
I thought about that request for many years to come. I talked with some great friends about it. One of these friends later found herself in a position to do exactly what I wasn't able to. I was so excited for her and also jealous that she got to have this experience and I did not. I have thought about it almost continually for the past couple years.
In the mean time, my doctor has talked about the benefits of getting pregnant. It didn't seem to be in the cards for me and the older I get, the less I think it will happen for me. But, who knows. Time brings all sorts of things we don't expect.
When I found out my amazing friend had elected to do the surrogacy again, I decided I wanted to be a part of this adventure. I weighed the pros and cons, and the pros came out way a head. It seems like a situation that benefits everyone involved. I can help a family achieve something I already have and value so highly, and I can feel like I am fulfilling a higher purpose. It would also be nice to earn some cash and pay off these bills that only seem to grow as time goes by.
I made the decision just before I traveled back home to Wisconsin the end of December 2011. I was decided but wanted to see how my family would respond. Those I told about it were excited and very supportive. Some were shocked and not sure how to process something this big. But no one told me not to do it. I felt like I was being moved in the right direction. I came home and submitted my application. As soon as I hit send, I felt such an amazing peace that I made the right decision. And now I just await the right family to pick me so we can get this process started. :)
I thought about that request for many years to come. I talked with some great friends about it. One of these friends later found herself in a position to do exactly what I wasn't able to. I was so excited for her and also jealous that she got to have this experience and I did not. I have thought about it almost continually for the past couple years.
In the mean time, my doctor has talked about the benefits of getting pregnant. It didn't seem to be in the cards for me and the older I get, the less I think it will happen for me. But, who knows. Time brings all sorts of things we don't expect.
When I found out my amazing friend had elected to do the surrogacy again, I decided I wanted to be a part of this adventure. I weighed the pros and cons, and the pros came out way a head. It seems like a situation that benefits everyone involved. I can help a family achieve something I already have and value so highly, and I can feel like I am fulfilling a higher purpose. It would also be nice to earn some cash and pay off these bills that only seem to grow as time goes by.
I made the decision just before I traveled back home to Wisconsin the end of December 2011. I was decided but wanted to see how my family would respond. Those I told about it were excited and very supportive. Some were shocked and not sure how to process something this big. But no one told me not to do it. I felt like I was being moved in the right direction. I came home and submitted my application. As soon as I hit send, I felt such an amazing peace that I made the right decision. And now I just await the right family to pick me so we can get this process started. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)