I have an excellent reason for missing my post on July 22nd. My parents came into town for a visit and I was having such a great time spending time with them and didn't feel like posting anything. But the visit gave me a ton to think about and has led to my topic for this week. Family. The older I get, the more I seem to appreciate mine. I had a chance to talk with my mom about the good ole days and some memories from my childhood. I can't remember everything but I do remember quite a bit; both positive and negative. And when I look back on these memories, I don't regret any of them or wish I could go back and change anything. I think I am who I am because of everything I experienced and went through in my childhood. And I like to think I turned out pretty darn good. :)
The visit went well. I am realizing my parents are getting older and are not quite as fast and durable as they used to be. We did some fun things but also spent some time just hanging out and talking. I enjoy seeing them and it never seems to happen often enough. It would be nice to be able to move back to Wisconsin and be around all my family all the time, but that miracle will have to wait for the future. It was sad when they left but I didn't cry this time. The visit was so positive and great, that I was still on a natural high when they left and didn't feel like crying. That may change when the hormones start pumping again in a few weeks.
The best part about the visit was being able to talk with my mom about this journey, face to face. I have sensed she has been hesitant and unsure about what everything means. We have had several long conversations over the phone but they are not the same as talking in person and seeing the person's expressions and body language. I was able to get a better sense of what my mom is thinking about this and feel relieved that she seems on board and curious about everything. I think she is nervous to ask questions because she doesn't want to pry but I am pretty open with almost everyone about what is happening and my thoughts. I am hoping she realizes this as time goes on and feels more comfortable with asking what ever her heart needs to know. I do feel like I have her blessing now. That may seem weird but I will admit that I am 35 years old and still care what my mother thinks about me and the choices in my life. She did tell me several times that she is proud of me and the mother I am to my child. It felt so good to hear those words because I know she doesn't use them lightly. I still feel like I am on cloud 9 to hear my mom say she is proud of me. She should feel proud also because she helped make me into the person I am today.
I also got brave in the past week and told a couple more family members about my plans. They were very accepting and not at all judgemental. It was a relief to be able to tell them and not feel they were judging or critical about it. I love that my family has been raised to be supportive and accepting of a variety of things. It may go back to those dinner table conversations about topics I am sure my mother does not want me to post about. (i.e. hermaphrodites).
Anyway, I have been thinking a lot about family and what it means to me. I think it is best described as a group of people who are thrown together through the most random process and forced to learn how to live together. But unlike roommates or living abroad, family means you can't just move out or move on to something else if things get tough or boring. You are 'forced' to work through things and keep making it work. It also means you enjoy each other and the time you have because you never know how much time you will get. I know that my family went through so much of this, especially because my parents wanted to populate the earth on their own (7 kids!) but we still all love and support each other despite the hard times. I know that I cherish every memory I have of my childhod and can still find positives about all my siblings, even when the things they do in life annoy me. I think I am lucky to have the family that I got and hope they know that. Our dysfunction is our function! (Mom- That should be the theme for the family reunion next year.)
I feel good about undergoing this process because it means that I am helping to create a family that might otherwise not have that chance. My good friend (who is also a surro) pointed out that being a surro provides a set of parents with a child, but it also provides a grandchild, a niece/nephew, a cousin, a sibling, a future mate for another person. When I thought about that, it really hit home how huge this whole thing is. And it also felt so right. It seems that things seem more real and perfect as time goes on and I am not nervous or hesitant at all. Everything is pointing toward this happening and needing to happen. This is my current calling in life; to help create a family.
The rest of the week was fairly uneventful. I had my 35th birthday on the 18th. I like to remind people I am now half way to 70 (lol) but I actually feel really good physically and emotionally. I accept who I am and like who I am. I am comfortable with my life. I think this means I have officially (finally) grown up.
The rest is just the usual waiting game. Waiting for paperwork to get done, waiting for the contract, waiting for the period to show up, waiting for the bbay peanuts to be ready, etc. Hopefully I will have positive updates for the next post. Stay tuned.....
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