I have thought many times about updating this post but keep making excuses to not do it. I didn't want to say anything because I was upset and disappointed. Then I thought I owed it to my faithful followers (the few) to update what is happening with the process and myself. Then my dad got really sick and I went out to see him, and that became my new excuse. Then I got busy and figured it was in the past and didn't mean anything.
But today I am back on track and in a good place, and I am ready to update this.
What happened, you ask? Well, my follow-up appointment did not go well. I was seen by the radiology department again. It was the same experience but much faster. She didn't tell me anything but I snuck a look at the screen and saw the same thing. Two black, empty sacs. It looked like one of the them had something coming off of it. I knew she wouldn't tell me anything so I hurried over to my OB's office as soon as the ultrasounds were done. My OB showed me the images and explained that both fetal sacs had grown and were now caught up with where they should be as far as gestational age. She said that my body is fighting hard to make the pregnancy work and is doing everything it can to help that happen. I had two gestational sacs with placentas but nothing inside of them to take advantage of everything. She couldn't give me answers about why this happened but guessed that the fetal material was not healthy and could not grow. I asked about the Utah Fertility Clinic seeing a fetal pole but now there was nothing. She said there most likely was something but that it stopped growing because it was unhealthy. She said this happens a lot and women are not even aware. I had the (dis)advantage of early knowledge and exams to realize I was pregnant and see the early signs. My OB was very direct but positive about what was going on and reassured me that everything is fine with my body and I would be able to get pregnant again. I was relieved to hear her say this as I was blaming myself a lot. I had gone back and thought about every second of the past several weeks and wondered if I had done or not done something that could have changed the outcome. MY OB reassured me I was fine and to continue to have hope. She was very caring and it made me feel some comfort to know that she was giving me that support. Usually doctors are too busy to offer a relationship like this.
My OB then talked about the reality of needing to terminate the pregnancy. I was technically about nine weeks and my body should have spontaneously miscarried. My OB was worried that my body was not letting go of the pregnancy and worried about how that would impact my health. She discussed my options and recommended I follow through with the D&C. I did not like this idea and wanted to wait for things to happen naturally. She explained the problems with doing this and said it may impact my body and health. I finally agreed and it was set for the next day. She went over all the information so I would be prepared.
I don't want to say much about the D&C. If you have never had one, hope that you never do. If you have, you understand. I do not want to do that again but I feel more prepared for what it will be like if it does happen again.
Right while all this was going on, my dad got really sick and was in the hospital for a few weeks. They weren't able to figure out what caused his illness but said it was some sort of infection. It was really hard on him and made his overall physical health and capabilities degrade. I decided to take a break from life and all this stuff, and went out to see him for a week. It was an amazing visit and helped lift my spirits. It was hard to see him so deteriorated but it also reminded me about how precious life is. I thought a lot that week about this process and if I wanted to try again. I figured out that I am even more committed now to making this work.
Now? Now we are just waiting for my body to reset and be ready. The Cali fertility clinic said they want me to have two normal periods (cycles) and then we will retest my uterus and start over. I am sad that this process is taking longer but I will try and be patient. I know the IPs are having to do the same. I am hopeful that things will work out this time and that this won't happen again. I spoke with the nurse and she said the doc is optimistic that we will have one successful pregnancy with the next transfer. They talked about transferring the remaining three embryos at the next transfer, to increase the odds. I am fine with this and not worried about ending up with triplets. The odds are against that.
I will try and keep this updated more. Right now I am just trying to get my body ready through exercise and eating healthy. Mentally I am already ready and just waiting for this adventure to continue. :)
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