You could probably guess from the title that the appointment on Thursday did not quite go so well. I went to the Radiology department and saw the specialist for the mega powerful ultrasound. She did both an external and internal ultrasound. She didn't let me see the screen and told me she couldn't answer any questions for me. She told me to follow-up with my doctor about any questions and to get the results. I kind of understood where she was coming from. She doesn't want to say something she shouldn't and then get in trouble. At the same time, I was really frustrated that I had to lay there for about 45 minutes and didn't get any answers. I did peek at her screen when she left the room for a minute. The images basically showed what we already knew: there are two black circles with nothing inside. I was hoping that wasn't the case and that there was something I couldn't see. Ultrasounds make no sense to me and I am not sure what they look at sometimes. I couldn't wait to get to my doctor's office for the news.
After the ultrasound, I rushed to my doctor's office down the street. They were pretty good about getting me back to see her right away but I had to wait a few minutes while waiting for her to finish up with another patient. I was feeling every emotion possible and did not like sitting in that room by myself. I ended up Googling some information on my phone while I sat there. The first thing that came up was this thing called a "blighted ovum". The websites I looked at described that the body will think it is pregnant and will create a healthy gestational sac and placenta, but will not allow the fetus to actually grow and develop. This is usually due to a chromosomal abnormality. It's the body's way of protecting a fetus from growing that could have a deformity or genetic issue. I figured this explained why my HCG levels keep going up and my body acts pregnant, but nothing else seems to be happening. The nurse came in at one point and gave me some blood test results. it showed that my HCG on Monday was way over 25,000 and the blood test I did yesterday showed it had gone up to over 32,000. According to the information on the bottom of the page, that was within the normal range for where I was.
My doctor finally came in and went over the results with me. She was very friendly and sincere, and genuine. She confirmed that the ultrasounds showed that I still have two gestational sacs and placentas are forming, but there is nothing inside the sacs. The sacs are bigger today and have a more firm circular shape, telling her they are more healthy than a few days ago and they are growing. She didn't have a lot of answers about why they are empty so I asked about the "blighted ovum" thing. She said that is a term they used to use but no longer do. Now they simply call it a viable sac with no fetus. She said it basically is what it is. She said my blood tests were great and she felt like we should give it another week before we make a final decision. I asked what waiting a week would do. She explained that there is still a small chance that a fetal pole and heartbeat could develop in the next week. The sacs had grown from being 5 weeks 5 days on Monday to being just under 7 weeks today. She felt like we should give it one more week to see if anything develops since the sacs are catching up to where they should be with the timeline we have. I didn't feel like she gave me any false hope but what she was saying made sense. I think she wants to be 100% sure and give them every chance she can before anyone calls it quits.
She did say that if nothing develops by next week, then we need to stop the cycle and schedule a D&C. This freaked me out because I have always thought of those as being very negative and scary. She explained the process to me and why she would recommend one instead of just having my body miscarry naturally. She said that if the pregnancy is not viable, my body will start a natural miscarriage in the next few weeks. The problem with letting it happen naturally is that the chance of having complications and hemorrhaging. She recommended the D&C to protect me.
I am scheduled to go back on Thursday for another super mega ultrasound and then see my OB right after.
I left the appointment and talked with the IM for a few minutes. I honestly wasn't sure what to say. I felt like it was a "no" that things weren't working out but there is also this part of me that refuses to accept that and needs everything to work out and be okay. Part of me felt some hope because the sacs are still growing and are catching up. And my blood tests are great. The websites I read on said that many of those empty sacs ended up having fetal growth and heartbeats by week 8. And I am right at that point. I felt like she knew it was a "no" and was accepting it more than I am. I am not sure how she can be that strong but I definitely value that in her. I know that I am a mess and this isn't my child we are talking about. This experience has made me feel that these IPs are the most deserving people and it makes me want to fight even harder to make this happen.
After I talked with her, I checked in with the nurse at the fertility clinic. She agreed with the plan of action but needed to run it by the Doc. She agreed to call me back later. She shared with me that she has had a "blighted ovum" before and they are not the end of things. She was very positive and made me feel much better about the situation. She told me to stay positive and just wait for the news on Thursday. She called me back later that day to say the Doc was in agreement with the plan and my blood levels are good. So, I continue on the meds for one more week.
Today- I am not sure today. I was feeling pretty good before but I think things are catching up with me now. I am not sure if I should keep fighting or give up. I keep talking to my uterus, hoping to convince P. Shirley and Squishie to grow and be there for Thursday. I have prayed and begged a higher power or the universe to make this okay. The IM texted me and said they want to proceed with another transfer once I am ready. I read the text and thought "heck yes!". I am so ready to do this all over again, even with everything that has happened. But there is still that part of me that won't give up on these two.
From this experience, I have learned so much. I knew that there would be times it would be emotional and hard, but I never really knew just how hard it would be until I was in it. I can only imagine how hard it has been on the IPs. I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone.
As far as my health, I feel okay. I am less tired than before but my body is being weak and fatigued. I still get tired at night and am in bed by 9 pm most nights. I am still doing the nightly shots. They were much easier in the beginning. It is harder now because my bum has built up scar tissue so the shots are harder to get in. Sometimes they hurt and burn really bad. I bleed almost every time now. Sometimes I can use a bandaid to stop it. Sometimes it bleeds through. The good news is that the shots will end soon; because either the babies will grow and I will pass the shot mark or because we end and have to start over.
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