I have been thinking quite a bit about 2016. Every year, I tell myself that it is going to be a great year. I am going to set some amazing "resolutions" and/or goals and it is always the same- to do things that help me. Or things that I want to do. To focus on me. And as I was thinking about this, the same as I do every year, it dawned on me that I don't really know ME. I have had many inspirations and revelations throughout the years but am still working on this journey of being me. So, instead I have decided to focus on the journey that is me. To be open to things as they happen and hopefully pick up on some life lessons as I go along. Maybe you'll learn something as well.
It has been two years and I still mourn that the surrogacy did not work. I can honestly say that I have gone through the stages of grief, recycled through them time and again, and finally reached the stage that I need to "accept." Accept that it did not work and blaming myself or others or the universe or whatever is not going to change anything. Part of me thinks I spent the past two years trying to distract myself from facing the reality and part of me thinks I just tried to do the best I could to muddle through. I think about trying again and then I remind myself that the definition of sanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting a different result. In fact, this pretty much describes my entire life in the past two years. I loved the unlovable, tried to distract myself with unhealthy habits to avoid the pain of not being loved back, and ended up angry and bitter. My intention now is to move forward and avoid the insanity.
My primary goals for this year are to be open, honest with myself, and try some new things. Maybe by trying these new things, I will be able to change my patterns and invite more healthy things into my life.
Goal number 1 is to discover me. One way I can do this is to start figuring out who I am and what I stand for. I have a gigantic mirror in my bathroom and I noticed that I do everything I can to avoid looking at myself in it. I will quickly glance to insure I am put together enough to venture out, but I really don't stare at me. This is going to change. I am going to start investing some time into looking at myself, staring and noticing but trying really hard not to judge. I want the things I notice about myself to be things of love and positivity- like I do for a friend or loved one. Give myself some praise and recognition. I am going to accomplish this by writing one word about myself every day. Right on the mirror. I cleaned the mirror really good and put some dry erase markers in the bathroom and titled it; I AM. My entry for today was READY. I am ready. Ready to make some changes and do things in a new way.
Goal number 2 is focused on loving my body by putting healthy things into it and using the exercise I love to show that it can get stronger and stronger. My focus needs to stop being on the numbers, what the scale says and clothing sizes, and more about how I feel. I want to feel strong. I want endurance. I want to be able to link goal 1 and goal 2 together, and feel myself connected. I know the food will be the hardest because I often turn to food for comfort or to entertain me when I am bored. No more. I am making the choice to stop these unhealthy habits and the insanity they bring.
Goal number 3 is to focus more on journeys. To find more adventures for myself and with Jared. Big trips, little trips, routine adventures. Trying new things and seeing new things. Learning what we like beyond the scope of our "normal." In order to do these things, I need to really focus on money and being careful with it so that I can afford to do more fun things. And I need to keep my eyes up. I noticed that I will go out and do things but my eyes are often focused on the destination and not the journey along the way. I am forgetting to watch for those hidden paths and hidey-holes that bring a smile to my face.
That's it. Just a new year with a new journey. Focused on New.
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